The dummy's guide to becoming a politician

If you know the right words for any occasion you can become a politician in no time at all and probably get re-elected again and again. Photo: Bob Taylor

CHARLOTTEJanuary 3, 2012 ― First there was fast food. Then there was Minute Rice. That was followed by instant tea, instant coffee and instant grits. Now, through the magic of technology, you can become a politician in mere seconds.

All it takes is the ability to count to three and remember a few words. Or, if you are the president, there is always the teleprompter.

Here’s how it works.

The technique is called the “Systematic Buzz-Phrase Projector” which was created in 2004 by Philip Broughton, a longtime official with the United States Public Health service. Proving the adage that “all great things are simple” Broughton compiled a list of 30 well chosen words that can turn anyone into an expert on any subject in no time at all. If you can order Chinese food, you, too, can be a politician.

First the list:

Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
0 integrated 0 management 0 options
1 total 1 organizational 1 flexibility
2 systematized 2 monitored 2 capability
3 parallel 3 reciprocal 3 capability
4 functional 4 digital 5 programming  
5 responsive 5 logistical 5 concept
6 optional 6 transitional 6 time phase
7 synchronized    7 incremental 7 projection
8 compatible 8 third-generation    8 hardware
9 balanced 9 policy 9 contingency

 

Now, randomly select any three-digit number and write down the corresponding word from each column. For example, “374” gives you “parallel incremental programming.” Or, “810” coins the phrase “compatible organizational options.”

Voila! You are now a politician armed with the perfect phrase for any occasion.

Question: “Senator what about the situation in Iran and the possible development of nuclear weapons in that country?”

Answer #628 (optional monitored hardware): “I believe that if we do not contain their “optional monitored hardware” within a short period of time that we could be on the brink of an international crisis.”

Question: “Mr President, is there any way to reduce the budget deficit and decrease spending?”

Answer #705 (synchronized management concept): “Let me be perfectly clear, the solution to this on-going problem is simply a matter of initiating a “synchronized management concept” that will allow us to reduce spending by increasing taxes on the top one percent.”       

There you have it. Consider the magnitude of the permutation. Thirty words, three columns and a lifetime supply of high caliber buzzword phrases good enough for a career of political security.

As Broughton says, “No one will have any idea what you’re talking about, but they’re probably not about to admit it.”

And since the mainstream media do not concern themselves with follow-up questions for any clarification to the terminology, you have now established yourself with years of public service at taxpayer’s expense.

All it took was a little #431, “functional reciprocal flexibility.”

Peabod is Bob Taylor, owner of Taylored Media Services in CharlotteNCTaylor is founder of The Magellan Travel Club, which creates, and escorts customized tours to SwitzerlandFrance and Italy for groups of 12 or more.

Inquiries for groups can be made at Peabod@aol.com Taylored Media has produced marketing videos for British Rail, Rail Europe, Switzerland Tourism, the Swedish Travel & Tourism Council, the Finnish Tourist Board, the Swiss Travel System and Japan Railways Group among others.

As author of The Century Club book, Peabod is now attempting to travel to 100 countries or more during his lifetime. To date he has visited 71 countries. Suggest someplace new for Bob to visit; if you want to know where he has been, check his list on Facebook. Bob plans to write a sequel to his book when he reaches his goal of 100 countries. He also played professional baseball for four years and was a sportscaster for 14 years at WBTV, the CBS affiliate in Charlotte.


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Bob Taylor

Bob Taylor has been travel writer for more than three decades. Following a career as an award winning sports producer/anchor, Taylor’s media production business produced marketing presentations for Switzerland Tourism, Rail Europe, the Finnish Tourist Board, Japan Railways Group, the Swedish Travel & Tourism Council and the Swiss Travel System among others. He is founder of The Magellan Travel Club (www.MagellanTravelClub.com) and his goal is to visit 100 countries or more during his lifetime.

 

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