LOS ANGELES, October 31, 2013 — President Obama promises, if you like your Halloween costume, you can keep your Halloween costume. If it doesn’t meet federal standards, you’ll be stripped and forced to buy a new one from an approved vendor. Don’t think of it as losing your old costume; think of it as transitioning to a new and better one.
By the way, Michelle Obama wants your candy. Feel free to hand out broccoli instead.
Scary stuff, kids!
October 31st is All Hallows Eve. The kids call it Halloween; the Jews celebrate the birthday of Hal Levine. Kathleen Sebelius and her superiors will be dressed up as competent executives. If her costume looks a little singed, it’s not because she weighs the same as a duck; it’s because this is also the start of the Christmas season, and Congress tried roasting her on an open fire.
Despite their dour image and their need to complain about almost everything, some liberals let their children enjoy Halloween. Not all of them freak out if their kids’ costumes are offensive. Expect to see a Miley Cyrus or Robin Thicke here and there. But cowboys and Indians might be beyond the pale, and don’t even think of dressing like a sheikh.
Or maybe not. Some liberals refuse to let anyone enjoy anything fun, even their kids, but some have so far avoided becoming stereotypes of themselves. Their kids might be cowboys; some might even be wearing costumes less eco-friendly than styrofoam. And some may even allow their children to eat candy despite Michelle Obama’s jihad against food that tastes good and makes people happy.
But children, beware. The NSA has hidden tracking devices inside your goodie bags. They’re watching you closer than Edward Cullen watches Bella.
So what might partying liberals and conservatives wear for Halloween? Here are some suggestions:
1. Catholic nuns. When liberals speak, the rest of us feel like we are having our knuckles rapped during the school day for breathing inappropriately. This outfit comes with a ruler and an oversized finger for waving while scolding.
2. Schoolmarms. The “Little House on the Prairie” look comes with a librarian costume and a constant scowl. This will ensure children feel guilt at all times to deter them from smiling.
3. Cheerleaders. Even though the world is crashing, a bunch of Pollyannas in pom-poms singing and dancing about how everything is fine makes for an amusing night.
4. A black vegan transexual university professor. This costume comes with various multi-colored ribbons to satisfy every liberal activist and their pet social causes.
5. Occupy Wall Street. This is a costume of convenience since many liberals will already have these in their closet.
1. Anything pro-American. Cover yourself in as many American flags as possible. Dress as a Founding Father or a proud military soldier. The younger liberals will not recognize you and the older ones will try to hide their disgust and declare the costumes racist, sexist, bigoted and homophobic.
2. Washington Redskins gear. The left wants to ban the name, so show them it will remain forever, at least in terms of merchandise.
3. Obamacare sign. Normal people are scared to death of Obamacare. Show up at a party with liberal politicians in attendance and watch them flee in fear.
4. Walmart manager. Liberals see these people as scary monsters sucking the life out of communities. Think of Dracula if vampires provided quality goods at low prices to benefit consumers.
5. The Pelosiraptor. From the paleolithic era, you have to put on this costume to truly know what is inside it. It comes with a broom and one size fits nobody package.
Happy Halloween to all, and may Michelle Obama not confiscate your candy.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”
Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. Follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS. Follow us: @wtcommunities on Twitter.
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