SACRAMENTO, March 5, 2013 — The sequester cuts that are not really cuts have finally become a reality. As of March 1, President Obama and Congress can continue to spend like drunken sailors under the fig leaf cover of a non-existent austerity.
Angry at having his angel wings clipped, Obama continued to lash out and blame Republicans for everything from furloughed workers to furrowed brows to his male menopause. The world was not thrown into a new crisis, which means the rationale for Obama’s presidency is in crisis.
President Obama and his supporters like to think of him as “new” and “post-modern,” but his ideas are as old and useless as the horse and buggy industry. Now with the sequester in place, Obama has ever so slightly less money to spend on everything from free birth control for practicing homosexuals to free preschool for children still in the womb. Mr. Obama explained that while life does not begin at conception, fetuses are people too for the purposes of government programs and census rigging.
Tax breaks for liberal billionaires in Hollywood will remain unaffected so that any pretend cuts will hurt poor people, who make for better sob stories when bashing Republicans.
Among the poor include horse and buggy owners, who have been devastated by technological innovations over the last couple of centuries. Evil capitalists like Henry Ford destroyed their livelihood, and Occupy Wall Street and Code Pink have been reluctant to support an industry that they insist involves animal cruelty.
In Obama’s own words, “These cruel extremist, draconian, mean-spirited Republican sequester cuts will prevent the horse and buggy industry from returning. Republicans chose tax breaks for millionaires and billionaires who create products that run off of big oil. The GOP killing of the horse and buggy industry shows their hostility to green energy.”
(President Obama may not have said those exact words. He does, however, say most of those same words ad nauseum.)
Mr. Obama then boarded a flight on jet-fueled Air Force One to speak to General Motors executives about his successful bailout of their company. The sequester did not reduce the cost of his trip.
Obama warned that if the horse and buggy industry were allowed to collapse, emboldened Republicans would declare all out war on non-essential personnel everywhere. In his daily press briefing, White House spokesman Jay Carney was asked why America needed non-essential personnel. Mr. Carney would not confirm or deny that this was a self-preservation move or that President Obama is non-essential personnel.
Carney also pointed out that any insult of Obama is an insult to all of his voters. Republicans conceded this point and admitted that most Obama voters were also non-essential personnel in need of being sequestered and furloughed into reality.
While no horses or buggies were available for comment, Mr. Obama insisted that was because Republican sequester cuts forced him to shoot the horses and blow up the buggies with predator drones. To please Obama’s liberal environmental base, both the horses and buggies were recycled. They are currently being served in French restaurants.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”
Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. Follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS.
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