LOS ANGELES, April 1, 2013 — Left-wing Google decided to create a controversy to gain notice on a slow news day by insulting religious Christians. They did this because they could and because that is what intolerant, attention-seeking liberals do.
The Google “doodle” at the top of their home page honored the late United Farmworker Cesar Chavez on Easter Sunday. While secretly delighted at insulting religious non-Muslims on their holy day, Google executives feigned surprise at the outrage and offered various tortured explanations.
Google executives explained that they meant to honor Hugo Chavez, and regret the confusion. Google apologized personally to MSNBC, Sean Penn, Joan Walsh at Salon, and others for slighting the fallen Venezuelan freedom fighter.
Adding to the chaos, boxing fans thought that Google was honoring Julio Cesar Chavez. Whatever the history books say, Meldrick Taylor really won that first fight.
Those offended at the honoring of Chavez can take comfort in knowing that kids not attending religious or home schools are uneducated and have no idea who Chavez is. Despite the fact that “God made a farmer,” most kids today do not know what that is, either.
Jim Carrey, angry at Paul Harvey’s positive portrayal of hardworking Middle America, produced a counter video called “God made a farter.” He then spent days screaming at Fox News for not finding him hip, edgy, and cool. Young people asked their parents who Jim Carrey was.
Jason Biggs addressed the controversy by praising Cesar Chavez. As a tribute, he stuck his appendage in a pie, pulled out a plumb, and said “what a good liberal boy am I.” Liberal Jack Horny chastised anybody paying below average wages to undocumented workers, and then smeared the words “Jesus is dead” in blackberry on his local church mural. He spent the rest of the day hoping this act would get him another Fox News or Google mention.
Google cited a poll claiming that 100 percent of those polled agreed with their decision. The sample size consisted of their colleague and ideological soulmate Al Jazeera Gore. The Goracle recommended that for the sake of truth, the picture of Chavez should have had him wearing an “Allah Akbar” t-shirt.
President Obama, a devout Christian of the Church of Reverend Jeremiah Wright, was busy playing 72 rounds of Easter golf and unavailable for comment.
Hillary Clinton said she would withhold comment until after everybody else had weighed in and offered a clear majority opinion. Bill Clinton would take the opposite position to make her bold eventual stand even more moral.
When asked to stand up, leftist Jews panicked and shouted “Jew? Where?” before diving under nearby street manholes. They eventually reemerged and meekly explained that the best way to honor Passover is to honor Cesar Chavez.
Wall Street Executives pointed out that the real March 31st holiday was that of the quarterly rebalancing of mutual fund portfolios to end the fiscal quarter. “Triple witching” also saw options expire. When asked why triple witching could not be honored, Google explained that Wall Street was not very popular at the moment. Also, they did not want to compound the misunderstanding by possibly offending Hillary Clinton, Joan Walsh, and any spawn of a Pelosi-Wasserman-Schultz union.
Since March 31st began the 2103 baseball season, baseball fans said the day should be a celebration of the greatest sport known to man. Google executives properly suggested that they would seek to honor the National Football League in September. Baseball executives pointed out that Fidel Castro played baseball, causing Google executives to rethink their position.
North Korea tried to inject itself into the discussion but was quickly dismissed. Google stated that “It is not Kim Jong Un’s job to engage in leftist temper tantrums with no purpose except to provoke others and gain media attention. That is our job, with help from Hollywood’s D-listers.”
The controversy eventually faded. Devout Christians and Jews enjoyed their Easter and Passover holidays. Wall Street prepared for the second quarter. Baseball fans imitated Al Gore and bored us all to sleep.
Google executives, Jason Biggs and Jim Carrey bowed down before pictures of Cesar and Hugo Chavez, and then spent the day Googling themselves and each other. In other words, for them the day was like any other.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”
Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. Follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS.
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