LOS ANGELES, March 29, 2013 — The United States Supreme Court is taking up the controversial issue of gay marriage, but beneath the surface there is a key question none of the justices want to touch. If affirmed, it could have far-reaching consequences in the heterosexual community.
What is a gay marriage?
The question may seem silly, but does a gay marriage have to be between two people of the same gender? If a homosexual man marries a lesbian, would that not be a gay marriage? Both people are gay, so it has to be a gay marriage.
The question of “why” a gay man would marry a lesbian is irrelevant. Marriages of convenience happen in heterosexual communities all the time. Look at Bill and Hillary Clinton.
Elton John is a world famous singer and piano player who happens to be a homosexual. In an attempt to deny who he was, he married a heterosexual woman (they are long since divorced). Given that he was (and still is) gay, does that make his marriage a gay marriage since he was in it?
Why should both people have to be gay and of the same gender for it to be a gay marriage? That sounds like discrimination based on numerological bigotry.
This matters because a gay marriage ban could be the best thing to ever happen to heterosexual men trapped in bad marriages. The day after the Supreme Court (hypothetically) bans gay marriage, every straight man in America will have an “out.”
Forget messy divorces. These will be annulments without needing a permission slip from Pope Francis or any other religious leader. This could be the best thing to ever happen to husbands who are constantly “nagged” and “henpecked.”
Picture the guy hiding at the local bar to avoid going home, practicing his story.
“Honey, it’s time you know the truth. I’m gay. I always have been. I’ve been meaning to tell you. Forget that you think I’m sleeping with our barely legal female babysitter. That’s a coverup. I am as gay as it gets. Our marriage is now illegal. Goodbye.”
This could be a godsend for hassled heterosexual husbands. No alimony. No fighting over future earned income. The court says he cannot be married, so he has to do the honorable thing and leave.
Many men want to be free of a shrew dominating every aspect of their lives, but are scared of taking a financial hit. Fear no more, men. Take your homes back. March in the streets and shout to the heavens, “I am gay, I won’t pay, and you can’t stay. I am out of the closet and taking back my closet space.”
While the gay rights movement may initially be upset at being denied the right to marry, they will be getting hundreds of thousands of disgruntled men added to their ranks. Numbers means power. Plus, the destruction of marriages of any kind will make leftists (who dominate the militant wing of the LGBT movement) happy.
As long as every man is willing to “say it loud, I’m gay and I’m proud,” one Supreme Court decision can end their multi-decade jail sentence.
Those who are currently happily married have been advised to shut up and keep it to themselves.
Gay people already in previously legal marriages are worried at having thousands of their unions invalidated. This is a small price to pay for hundreds of thousands of miserable straight people being set free.
People want what they cannot have, and the Supreme Court may wish to let gay people desperate to jump in with both feet spend some time observing straight people even more desperate to escape the shackles and have their lives back.
Activists may wish to ponder the unintended consequences before fighting for a right that still has not been defined with any specific clarity.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”
Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. Follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS.
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