LOS ANGELES, March 28, 2013 — In a unanimous decision, the U.S. Supreme Court voted to ban metrosexual marriage.
Justice Kennedy, normally the swing vote, made it clear that every man has to pick a side, gay or straight, and stick with it.
While the issue of homosexual marriage has sparked fierce debate, metrosexuals have come to realize that virtually everybody hates them. Also known as “she-males” and “beta-males,” metrosexuals came into existence when Phil Donahue became their leader on television several decades ago. Times change, and with more people accepting of real gays, there was no need to accommodate pretend ones.
“Real men,” also known as “alpha males” and “retrosexuals,” have shown utter hostility to feminized men who constantly tuck their shirts in, know nothing about football (skating is not a sport), wear their pink Cardigan sweaters draped ever so perfectly around their pencil necks, and cry on cue.
Yet the gay and lesbian movement also seems to hate metrosexuals for projecting an inaccurate stereotype of the LGBT movement as feminized. Gays are tired of getting blamed for the behavior of metrosexuals.
Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg pointed out that while some straight women keep metrosexual men as friends for security reasons, they would never sleep with “wussies.”
Justice Antonin Scalia was more caustic, telling these “prissy, sissy candy-asses to man up and grow a pair.” Another case before the High Court next month will test the constitutionality of dragging metrosexuals to “reeducation camps” such as sportsbars to be reprogrammed into full-fledged males. Retrosexuals said they will celebrate a victory in that case by burning copies of “Beaches” and “Steel Magnolias” while forcing metrosexuals to either watch Sylvester Stallone or Bruce Willis movies or have fried green tomatoes rammed down beta male throats.
While homosexuality has become more widespread, metrosexuality is on the decline. Outside of tea houses, bridge clubs, and Democratic presidential campaigns, metrosexuals are in hiding out of fear of being outed. Some of them have even been caught wearing old sneakers and jeans to keep up appearances.
While all nine justices agreed that no woman in her right mind would want to marry these momma’s boys, a ban was the only way to discourage them from procreating and creating a whole new generation of girly-boys.
The justices also by a narrow 5-4 margin declared that existing metrosexual marriages would remain valid.
Justice Roberts opined that “President Barack Obama will still be allowed to have his wife Michele tell him what to do on a daily basis. Why any man would want that henpecked lifestyle is not for this court to decide.” Secretary of State John Kerry expressed relief at this provision while preparing to go windsurfing with Biff and Muffy in matching Earth toned sweaters that were made from a combination of actual Earth dirt and hemp.
Ron Paul supporters and other Libertarians made it clear that as long as everyone involved could have legalized marijuana, they would not oppose the court’s decision.
Meanwhile, pro and anti-gay marriage advocates got back to fighting, both sides relieved that metrosexuals refusing to fight about anything were no longer clogging up the courts with their terrible personalities and dreadfully snobby fashion sense.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”
Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. Follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS.
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