LOS ANGELES, March 28, 2013 — After being attacked in a childish video, gun owners demanded a right to conceal Jim Carrey.
The Supreme Court refused to hear the case, claiming that the star of “In Living Color” and “Ace Ventura, Pet Detective” had pretty much concealed himself over the last decade due to low quality work.
Gun owners initially just wanted the Second Amendment right to conceal and carry, but now want to conceal Jim Carrey and the rest of Hollywood. Yet cooler heads prevailed by pointing out why Mr. Carrey mocked the late Charlton Heston and rural America in an anti-gun video.
Carrey turned fifty in 2012. Despite a desperate attempt to rebrand himself as a serious actor, he will forever be known as “Fire Marshall Bill” and the man who yelled “Somebody stop me!” Now time is stopping him, and there is only thing for post-menopausal Hollywood former stars and starlets to do.
To revive his flagging career, Carrey needs to go on a serious drug binge. Then he needs to go into rehab, recover and be hailed as a hero. Drug binges come in two different forms.
The first option is illegal drugs. Carrey is a little old to be turning to cocaine and heroine for the first time. Besides, President Obama used cocaine, rendering the issue boring. “Everybody” does it now. Recovering from addiction is dull.
The second option is the drug of mindless liberalism. For Matt Damon, there is anti-fracking. Radical environmentalism is a popular tool for Hollywood tools. For others, animal rights activism is the choice. Chaining oneself to a tree is a normal day in liberal Hollywood.
Carrey has opted for an anti-gun position, since that is all the “rage” among the phony, pious angry left these days.
By acting like an elitist, coastal snob sniffing his own backside, Carrey has given himself his last, best shot of finding an acting role to make people forget about the “Cable Guy.” Carrey is now on the casting couch. He has to prostrate himself, but female casting directors would prefer the 51 year old Carrey do so fully clothed. He needs to prostitute himself but does not have the body to pull off “Deuce Bigalow.” Spouting mindless liberal nonsense attacking Middle America is all he has left.
This strategy will fail because dopey college kids already have Jon Stewart. They do not have the attention span for more than one arrogant leftist snob per night. Carrey is going to have to accept the fact that he is no longer “hip,” “edgy,” “controversial” or “ironic.” If he were any more irrelevant he would be “The View” without Joy Behar, also known as “The View.”
As much as Carrey wants outrage, the fact is that he has become the one thing an aging comedian should never become: boring.
So there is no need to try and conceal Jim Carrey. He has already faded into the shadows.
Carrey fans should not despair. There is still time for him to smoke some crack, go on a rampage gun owners would never dream of, and enter rehab to begin his comeback.
He can then play a liberal shooting victim and win an Academy Award for a movie nobody will have watched. This can be followed with Oscar parties, more cocaine, more rehab stints, and more liberal awards.
If you’re a faded Canadian Hollywood leftist, it beats sitting in a rocking chair away from the addictive drug of the spotlight.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”
Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. Follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS.
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