LOS ANGELES, June 26, 2013 — In a 5-4 ruling that a slice of the American electorate cared about, the United States Supreme Court declared gay couples boring. In a ruling where they decided not to decide, the SCOTUS lamented that Americans had nothing better to do on a summer Wednesday than watch their decision not to deliberate on key issues.
While Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg declared gay people “fabulous,” an angry Justice Antonin Scalia wrote a scathing dissent telling court gawkers to “get off the court’s lawn and get a job.”
The Supreme Court struck down the Defense of Marriage Act, signed by marriage expert Bill Clinton. Upon hearing the news, Hillary Clinton asked “What difference at this point does it make?”
Striking down DOMA allows gay couples to receive tax breaks previously reserved for straight couples. With President Obama still in power, gays will learn next year that they are now eligible for the same tax hikes and bad healthcare as their heterosexual counterparts.
SCOTUS rejected attempts to restore California’s Proposition 8, which banned gay marriage, on the grounds of a lack of standing. Justice John Roberts exclaimed, “You Californians created this mess. You fix it. We don’t have time to deal with your foul-ups. It is not the judiciary’s responsibility to save you from your own legislators. When the next earthquake makes you part of Russia, Vladimir Putin can handle it.”
An elated South Park resident named Big Gay Al, when asked how he felt about the decision, replied, “I’m super! Thanks for asking!”
President Obama, who was for gay marriage before he was against it before he was for it again, insisted on holding a press conference to talk about it. While he praised the court’s decision, he lamented that it distracted from his other historic, unprecedented speeches about nuclear weapons, climate change, and illegal immigration that nobody listened to. He blamed Republicans for claiming that gays cause illegal immigration and climate change, insisting that straight people did as well.
While Obama was not providing Americans with tax relief or silence relief from his speeches, SCOTUS news did allow Americans one day of relief from hearing about Jodi Arias, Trayvon Martin, George Zimmer, and Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s baby North West.
So while gay Americans celebrated the SCOTUS decision not to decide, other issues faded into the background. Americans are still being burdened with a stagnant economy, Iran building a bomb, possible war with Syria, IRS abuses, the scandal in Benghazi, and a failed American president being humiliated by Russia and China. However, they are not being burdened with having to hear about it. The media only covers serious stories, such as celebrity murder trials and SCOTUS rulings leaving key issues completely unresolved.
SCOTUS also left unresolved whether gay divorce lawyers had to wait until after the marriages became legal to start chasing wedding limousines and handing out business cards.
SCOTUS also refused to hear a case brought by Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton demanding reparations for gay black couples. The SCOTUS declared both men were a day late, and that racial issues were reserved for Tuesdays, gay issues on Wednesdays, and religious issues for Thursdays.
Meanwhile, the rest of the world continued to burn as most Americans engaged in a collective shoulder shrug.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”
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