New moderate Iranian President promises friendlier death for America

New moderate Iranian President Hasan Rowhani promised a friendlier death for Great Satan America and Little Satan Israel. Photo: Hasan Rowhani / AP

SACRAMENTO, June 17, 2013—Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was recently given a rubber chicken dinner retirement party and a gold watch with the diamond encrusted words “Death to America, Israel.”

His exit paved the way for Iran to turn in a sharply radically moderate direction. New President Hasan Rowhani immediately began restoring relations with the West by promising a friendlier death for America and Israel.

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Instead of a clenched fist, Rowhani implored his people to wave across the globe in a genial manner before trying to blow the world to Kingdom Come. Iranians are now allowed to have internet friends as well as t-shirts declaring that Iran, the Great Satan, and Little Satan were BFF’s.

In keeping up with their tradition of being a century or two behind the rest of civilization, Iranian hardliners emphasized that AOL Instant Messenger should be the choice of communication rather than the Zionist-created Facebook. The reasoning was that since most Americans considered AOL to be evil, it had to have a pro-Iranian bent.

Despite Ahmedinejad taking credit for the failed AOL-Time-Warner merger that destroyed American wealth, he was unable to find anyone in America who remembered that far back to the stone age.

Naturally, leftists immediately began falling all over themselves in offering effusive praise for the new moderate Iranian president. Conservatives pointed out that while this man can smile and wave as well as President Obama and the Queen of England, his words offer cause for concern.

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There will be no substantial changes in Iranian policy toward America or the West. President Rowhani is a symbolic figurehead with about as much power and influence as Jay Carney or Baghdad Bob. Rowhani is not Valerie Jarrett, George Soros, or even Barack Obama. The mullahs run Iran, and they have the same objectives as they have always had.

The mullahs in Iran are “Twelvers.” They believe that the only way to bring about the 12th Imam is for a cataclysm to take place. Armageddon is the desired result, and the first targets are America and Israel.

Iran is not America. When we deny John Bolton a position in government and instead install John Kerry and Samantha Power, there is an actual policy shift. Replacing President George W. Bush, Vice President Dick Cheney and their cabinet with the Obama team matters. The Neocons wanted to remove dictators through the hard power of forcible regime change. The Obama team believes in the soft power approach of toothless unenforcible sanctions and “leading from behind.” When that repeatedly fails, their next step is asking nicely and offering shopping sprees at Bloomingdales.

The mullahs know this, and are perplexed at what the Americans do not know. The mullahs do not want to shop at Crate and Barrel. They want to blow it up. Installing a moderate leader is for public relations purposes. It is a marketing strategy designed to make us think they have lessened their hatred for us.

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They will continue to enrich uranium until they are able to develop nuclear bombs. We will wave at them and compliment them on their newfound politeness.

So before the Nobel committee gives another peace prize to an unworthy nominee, would it be too much to ask that this new moderate-sounding leader be judged on his substantive deeds and not meaningless symbolism?

Unless Iran halts their entire nuclear program and permanently stops enriching uranium, the smiles from their new leader will mean nothing. In fact, they only make him more dangerous when facing off against a hopelessly naive American government desperately willing to believe their own narrative of culturally equal moderate radical Islamists.

Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”

Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. Follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS. 

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Eric Golub

Eric Golub is a politically conservative Jewish blogger, author, public speaker, and comedian. His book trilogy is “Ideological Bigotry,” “Ideological Violence,” and  “Ideological Idiocy.” 

He is Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and has lived in Los Angeles since 1990. He received his Bachelors degree from the University of Judaism, and his MBA from USC. A stockbrokerage professional since 1994, he began blogging on March 11th, 2007, the three year anniversary of the Madrid bombings and the midpoint of 9/11. He has been inflicting his world view on his unfortunate readers since then. He blogs about politics Monday through Friday, and about football and other human interest items on weekends.



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