NEW YORK, July 24, 2013—Tonight, President Obama will offer his billionth set of remarks to the nation. Expected this evening is a speech that will “lay out his vision for rebuilding an economy that puts the middle class and those fighting to join it front and center.”
What we can really expect is that he will praise himself for positive developments that are considered positive developments simply because he says so.
He is also expected to repeatedly claim that doing something is “the right thing to do” simply because he wants it done. He will lambaste conservatives and label Republicans and anybody else disagreeing with him as some form of evil or stupid simply because they disagree with him.
He will declare failures to be successes, wax poetic about trivial nonsense, and insist that his disastrous policies are working.
Republicans have repeatedly cited evidence to the contrary in the form of chronically high unemployment, less than 1% economic growth, and obscenely high food and gasoline prices.
Obama will attack Republicans for obstructing his vision by relying on archaic concepts such as actual metrics, facts, and results.
Obama will insist that he is focused on creating jobs before rambling on about “investing in education” and combating climate change, which have nothing to do with creating jobs in the here and now.
He will continue waging war on the oil and coal industries while refusing to take a stand on the Keystone Pipeline.
He will use words such as “reasonable,” “responsible,” and “accountable” while not addressing why far too many members of his cabinet have been the exact opposite of those things.
He will insist that we have to be “smarter” and more “modern” without offering an ounce of substance to these long-tired slogans.
His remarks will be light on substance, heavy on recycled platitudes, and be so powerful that they will have a shelf life of approximately three minutes.
He will claim that some things he did are “unprecedented,” ignoring others who came before him and did the exact same very simple tasks better.
He will talk about reducing bureaucracy and regulation while insisting that Obamacare is not a legislative serial killer strangling the life out of American businesses.
He will use buzzwords such as “innovate,” while failing to grasp that government bureaucracies are the exact opposite of innovation.
Once his speech is eventually finished, he will go back to ignoring the American people and continuing to fail. He will then go on vacation and prepare his next speech, where he will praise himself, declare failure to be success, and lambaste Republicans as godless monsters devouring puppies and kittens.
Compared to Trayvon Martin, George Zimmerman, and the British Royal baby, this speech will matter. Since it will ignore solving the genocide in Syria, stopping Iran from obtaining the bomb, and actually fixing the economy, it will be forgotten before it has even been given.
This concludes coverage of President Obama’s eight billionth exercise in vanity, which MSNBC has already declared to be the greatest speech in history since his last set of utterly useless remarks.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, author, public speaker, and satirist. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.
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