Secretary of State John Kerry: The perfect choice

Massachusetts Senator John Kerry and the State Department are a perfect match. Conservatives should fully support his appointment. Photo: John Kerry / AP

LOS ANGELES, January 29, 2013—One day after outgoing Secretary of State Hillary Clinton callously screeched “What difference at this point does it make?” regarding murdered Americans in Benghazi, her apparent successor testified on the Hill.

More handsome than Lurch and more Brahmin than Senator Rufus Choate, Massachusetts Senator John Kerry settled in for a lovefest with his colleagues.

The closest thing to sparks at the Kerry hearing came when Lady Dianne Feinstein of California may have winked at him. The married Feinstein will most likely claim that she was falling asleep, less a reflection of her octogenarian status than the utterly boring nature of congressional hearings not involving Hillary Clinton.

When the dust settles, Kerry will be the one Obama nominee who will coast to confirmation. Easy confirmation would be more proper than Kerry’s since abandoned “Ghengis Khan” accent. While virtually every other Obama appointee is disastrous, Kerry is totally the right choice for Secretary of State in an Obama administration.

Concerned conservatives should relax. John Kerry is useless. He spouts gasbaggery, and everybody else pretends to listen to him. This man is not respected. The world will laugh at him because they know he will be an order-taker. He would spend time chatting with other insincere individuals accomplishing absolutely nothing.

This is the entire point of diplomacy.

By these standards, inconsequential grandstanding is the posturing equivalent of gold. Kerry would be a complete success. He is the man who never mattered whose entire dream is to run a department that doesn’t matter in an entire organization that doesn’t matter. He even looks French, which matters to people everywhere who don’t matter.

The Swift Boat Veterans will not oppose him because they know this is not the Secretary of Defense job. Turtle Bay is exactly like Foggy Bottom, except with responsibilities. This is why a woman totally lacking in accomplishments such as Hillary Clinton can get the State job. Those who see her as a “hard worker” seem to overstate the significant of flying on the taxpayers’ dime to Syria to ask murderer Bashar Assad if he prefers Mint Medley Tea or Earl Gray. Kerry can educate Islamists about climate change, and how suicide bombers can use Chevy Volts to blow themselves up without leaving the carbon footprint of oil-based rocket launchers.

Dr. Condoleeza Rice wanted the Defense job, and was forced to settle for State. This is what makes Kerry so amusing. His entire life dream since his crib days of playing with Legos made of platinum was to be a plutocrat. This man is so boringly aristocratic that even Senators had little use for him. When one is too uninteresting to be a Senator from liberal Massachusetts, few appealing vocational opportunities abound.

Kerry could be Ambassador to a fictional nation such as East Gasbagistan or France, or run a State Department engaging in fiction with every nation including our own.

Let his Royal Heinous of Haughtiness John Forbes Kerry have his Tiramisu chocolate digestive and eat it too, with cherry-topped crumpets. When he is meeting with the Queen of England, endless amusement can be had when they are interrupted by a servant saying “Your Majesty,” and both heads turn to reply.

The State Department exists to undermine the Defense Department, and also the President in Republican administrations. Apologizing for the United States and condemning Israel periodically are just bonuses to please the global left.

Republicans should save their fire for scary Child’s Play Defense nominee Chucky Hagel. Let John Forbes Global Test Sensitive War Rufus Choate Kerry have his international sandbox.

Remember, it is only the State Department. As Hillary Clinton would say, “What difference at this point does it make?”


Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”

Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. Follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS. Follow us: @wtcommunities on Twitter

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Eric Golub

Eric Golub is a politically conservative Jewish blogger, author, public speaker, and comedian. His book trilogy is “Ideological Bigotry,” “Ideological Violence,” and  “Ideological Idiocy.” 

He is Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and has lived in Los Angeles since 1990. He received his Bachelors degree from the University of Judaism, and his MBA from USC. A stockbrokerage professional since 1994, he began blogging on March 11th, 2007, the three year anniversary of the Madrid bombings and the midpoint of 9/11. He has been inflicting his world view on his unfortunate readers since then. He blogs about politics Monday through Friday, and about football and other human interest items on weekends.



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