LOS ANGELES, January 11, 2013—Events that took place in early November have been unreported until now so that the pain of the 2012 election could slightly subside for those on the losing side. Despite the pain, there was still some laughter. Here is that story.
On the night of the presidential election, I was stationed at a polling place in the heart of Miami. Miami-Dade County has a large Cuban population, which generally votes Republican. The lines were long, and conservatives were concerned that people would get frustrated in line and leave without voting.
My role was just to tell jokes and make people laugh. Others would feed them pizza. Everything was done to make sure they stayed and voted.
After a certain barrier, no “electioneering” was allowed. Out of respect for the process, I covered up my Romney-Ryan t-shirt. While the response to my approach was favorable, coming up with humor on the fly is not easy. My humor is normally partisan, but respect for the Democratic process required staying neutral. After three years of helping the Republican Party and conservative causes, there was nothing left to do but participate in democracy. Win or lose, the goal now was just to make a tough experience for people a positive one. This went on for hours. This was my election night.
“For those worried about long lines, do not panic. They have extended the hours of the clubs in South Beach tonight until 5am. It’s not about the Republican or Democratic Party. What matters is the after-party. You have plenty of time to vote and still party in Miami Beach. However, after 2am most of the people there will not be attractive, so party at your own risk. For those who are drunk, after 2am they will be very attractive, which is also troublesome.”
“For those of you who have been waiting in line for four years to vote for John McCain, he lost. Please choose another candidate.”
“We have some numbers in…Indianapolis Colts 23, Miami Dolphins 20.”
“Don’t be like the Dolphins. Don’t give up and quit in the fourth quarter. You’re almost there. Stick it out and vote.”
“Don’t worry, (former Miami Dolphins head coach ) Tony Sparano is not coming back. Now he is helping you by hurting the New York Jets.”
“The Jets have bigger problems. Mark Sanchez is dating Eva Longoria, so he no longer cares about football. It’s gotten so bad that Longoria is threatening to date Tim Tebow.”
“For those of you who have your own private jet, you still have time to fly to Hawaii and vote there. The lines are long there as well, but they are serving pizza. However, it is weird pizza with pineapples on it. Eat at your own risk.”
“For those in line, you will get to vote. I cannot say whether this will be on Tuesday or Wednesday, but you will be able to vote. Based on 2000 results, we will know who won in about five weeks.”
“The lines are long because we have done a lousy job of border security. Forget the Southern border. Secure the Northern Florida border. The New Yorkers keep coming.”
“For those who brought your children, the rules are more strict than in past years. A pair of 9 year olds does not equal one 18 year old voter. Those of you with multiple personalities only get to vote once, and you cannot split the vote between several candidates.”
“Right now the vote in Florida is tied. Obama is at 49.6% and Romney has 49.6%. So for those of you who leave without voting, if your candidate loses it will be your fault.”
“Many of you who are complaining about waiting hours in line are checking your I-Phones every five minutes. You probably waited in line for five days to buy your I-Phone.”
“For those of you who were told that you would be given concert tickets at the end of this, you were lied to. For those who are waiting in line for concert tickets, this is the wrong line. This is the line to vote for political stuff.”
“For those of you who are Jewish, the lines should not affect you. Your ancestors wandered for forty years in the desert. This is nothing.”
“For those of you voting Libertarian, please understand we are not dispensing free marijuana here. Even if you vote to legalize it here, you have to obtain it somewhere else.”
The polls closed at 7pm EST, but the last voter did not cast their ballot until 12:30am Wednesday morning. The reason why Florida took forever to declare a winner is because some counties in Miami-Dade were slow to report. This was not laziness or incompetent electioneers, but quite the opposite. The poll workers were honest, responsible, and determined to make sure every person voted. The people in line were friendly. People kept their vote choices to themselves. I know all of this because I was there.
While my presidential candidate lost, democracy did carry the day in the heart of Miami. People thanked me for entertaining them, and I thanked them for voting. Despite exhaustion and a hoarse voice, the only way to truly certify an election is to monitor the clubs in South Beach. As of 3am, there was no illegal electioneering. Nobody spoke of the Republican Party or the Democratic Party. They all enjoyed the after-party, and the hangover was not as bad for most of them as those with election hangover.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”
Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. Follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS
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