LOS ANGELES, February 8, 2013 — President Obama has taken an aggressive tone in his fight with Republicans: Sequestration budget cuts will destroy America.
(Conservatives call this making America pay its bills and live within its means.)
Austerity will devastate the economy, increasing poverty, homelessness and crime.
As everyone knows, there are no homeless people in America today. Homeless people only exist in Republican administrations. If there were homeless people in Obama’s post-Hurricane Sandy America, the New York Times would report on it obsessively. If those sleeping on the street can hang on until Republicans win the White House, they will get some media attention.
Obama is getting desperate, and he will combine every horrific doomsday scenario his staff can concoct to convince Americans of this “truth”: Conservatives in their red and blue diagonal neckties and their gospel of fiscal responsibility are in fact economic Satanists. They skeet shoot the elderly and run over the poor in their gold-plated NASCAR automobiles.
Any moment now America will hear it: Republicans want to raise taxes on dog food for homeless people so that the rich can have tax cuts and Big Oil can start wars in the Middle East.
It will happen. Sequestration means cutting domestic spending. What will Obama cut ‒ money for his fraudulent green economy, funding for Obamacare with its ever-expanding cost projections, or pay raises for teachers’ unions? Not a chance.
Republicans will do their spineless jellyfish imitation and insist that they actually want to cut taxes on everything, including dog food. When they announce that to the American media, the headlines will scream, “Republicans want poor to eat dog food.”
Obama says something, and the media lap it up. Homeless people will be fighting like dogs in the streets for kennel-rations made scarce by taxes Obama tried to prevent, the media will report. Obama wanted to hike taxes on the rich (make them pay their “fair share”) so that the poor could even eat in the same restaurants the Obamas enjoy, but Republicans would rather see the poor starve than sit next to them at Le Bernardin.
Republicans sometimes try to point out that a growing economy helps everyone. Businesses hire more people when the economy grows, incomes rise, and a richer population can work with faith-based programs to actually feed and clothe the poor and save lives.
Obama prefers a “more balanced” approach. By hiring trial lawyers to help homeless people sue those restaurants they can afford, the homeless people can become rich. As for workers who lose their jobs when the restaurants close, that’s what they get for working for a business that exploits the poor.
Obama’s “balanced approach” is in his estimation just “common sense” and “simple math.” He would cut taxes across the board for all dog food products consumed by humans living outdoors. Michelle Obama will ensure that the dog food is vegetable based and does not contain any beef, thus saving the homeless from the misery of obesity.
The sad truth is that in Obama’s America, everyone aside from his cronies is suffering. The differences are only of degree. More people are slipping through the cracks, on the verge of losing everything. This is because he cares more about trees and animals than human beings and the jobs they create.
The issue is not just that there are human beings who have to eat dog food to survive. What really matters is that President Obama treats us all like dogs, demanding obedience to him as food prices skyrocket and our combined quality of living contracts faster than his failed economy.
This is the new normal, where we all decline. Until Republicans win the White House, nobody in the media will notice. Americans are now one giant nation of homeless people that Obamatrons step on and crush on their way to utopia.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”
Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. Follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS.
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