LOS ANGELES, February 28, 2013 — In a dire warning for the American people, President Obama insisted that the sequester cuts that are not really cuts would lead to a severe cut in presidential hyperbole.
An angry Obama insisted that although his entire presidency has been rhetoric, there would be no more flowery words left for Americans once fictional budget cuts take place March 1st. His lips would be sealed tighter than Belinda Carlisle and the rest of the Gogos.
House Speaker John Boehner insisted that there would not be an actual cut in Obama’s hyperbole, since this would be virtually impossible according to the laws of nature. Yet there might be a slowing in the rate of growth of his tiresome rhetoric, which is enough to cause the White House concern.
Obama insisted that although he knows the American people are tired of hearing him say the same things over and over again, he needs to keep talking. If Americans went even a single day without hearing his platitudes, slogans, bromides, and meanderings, it could cause a great sense of national malaise; there would be an incredible void if he went silent. He needs to let us know he cares, which is impossible if heartless Republicans confuse closing loopholes with him closing his piehole.
Obama pointed out that unless he reminded Americans that “the time for talk is over,” they would never know when that would be. To make matters worse, it would be impossible for Americans to judge results and “move forward” unless the Obama campaign explained to people what that meant. Sometimes people do not feel he is doing an excellent job, and without constant self-promotion that message could be lost in a fog of confusing things such as metrics and facts.
With a shortage of words, he could no longer say “let me be clear,” “crystal clear,” or “perfectly clear.” He would just have to be clear. There would be no room to say “It goes without saying” anymore. He would just have to get to the point and say it, or even worse for him, not say it.
Obama emphasized that budget cuts could even be extended to his meaningful gestures. His pointing of his finger and his tilting of his head at a precise angle to portray meaning could be sacrificed in favor of a standard grimace.
After receiving condolences from the liberal media, Fox News shifted to a press conference with House Majority Leader Eric Cantor. Cantor had the temerity to point out that if Obama would just do an ounce of actual real work, there would be no need for so many speeches. Obama was tempted to refer to Cantor as a racist, sexist, bigoted homophobe, but the sequester hyperbole cut forced him to choose only two of the four typical liberal lines of attack. Unable to make any hard choices and decide which words to cut, Obama called Cantor a “racaphobe.” Cantor shrugged.
Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid insisted in the interest of fairness that Obama be allowed to just take extra words from other people who talk more than he does. The problem is this option had been explored by Simpson-Bowles back in 2010, and not one single person fitting the description was found.
Michelle Obama consoled her husband by pointing out that he could still do absolutely nothing even if he would be unable to talk about doing something while doing nothing. President Obama insisted it would not be the same. Yet just to make sure, he took in eighteen holes of golf while sulking over being free to be but not free to talk about his hardworking stressful life. Valerie Jarrett then gave him some ice cream, tucked him into bed, kissed his forehead, and read him two-thirds of his favorite bedtime story, “The Little Prince.”
While these teleprompter prepared speaking cuts that are not really cuts will be devastating to his ego, the American people seem to be adjusting just fine. They actually like their politicians doing more and saying less.
This has been the sequestration hyperbole report.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”
Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. Follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS.
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