LOS ANGELES, February 20, 2013—Dear Pope selection committee:
With the resignation of Leader Benedict, I understand times are stressful at the Vatican.
I hope you will consider my resume in your search for the next Pope. Is your interview site on Facebook or Monster? I did not see it, so I hope your Excellencies read this column.
The reason I want the job is to honor my late grandfather, a deeply pious and religious man. He told me once “I believe you’ll get married the day I become Pope.” He was married for over 60 years, so I think he was telling me to honor him by becoming Pope.
Like him, I happen to be Jewish. Nevertheless, I am as qualified to be Pope as Obama is to be President. I do wear a Yarmulkah similar to the skullcap the Pontiff wears. According to my research, my selection has historical precedent. Elhanan was a Jewish Pope back in the day, whenever that was.
Some people say that story is fiction, but there are others claiming that God is fiction. Surely you would rather have a Jewish Pope than an atheist one.
By the way, what is the salary range? Does that include per diem, medical and dental? I forgot to ask what kind of company car I get. Heck yeah I will do my own driving if I get a luxury vehicle. Avis lets me take any car in the lot. Does the Papacy contract with them or have a similar arrangement? Women tend to notice me when I drive fancy, expensive cars, and I heard Pippa Middleton was single.
She is the only European woman I am familiar with, although her religion is a mystery to me.
What are the rules regarding the Papacy private jet? With fuel prices being so high, can I just set up a satellite office in Los Angeles? My home is in walking distance of a church.
How many vacation and sick days can I accrue? I need Sundays off during football season. I understand that Sundays are important for Catholics and other Christians, but the National Football League reaches many Americans everywhere. We could even run commercials during the game to attract more fans.
Some players from the late Reggie White to Tim Tebow preach their Christian denomination publicly. Catholicism is falling behind in the media wars.
Are there rules regarding other television appearances? Pope John Paul earned many new followers due to his outstanding appearances on “Night Court” with Harry Anderson. Between the two of them and John Larroquette, many Emmy awards were won.
Also, is that abstinence thing still in place? You have my word that I personally would not be engaging in any homosexual sex, although that is less a political statement than the fact that I really like hot women. Can the heterosexual abstinence thing be negotiated? If the Pope is that powerful, can’t I just give myself an exemption? If not, how is anyone else supposed to enjoy healthy relations?
What would my official title be on my business cards? The difference between the Pope, the Pontiff and the Papacy has me positively perplexed.
How soon after I am sworn in can I start issuing edicts?
I hope you will bring me in for an interview. Rome seems lovely this time of year. If you refuse to interview me I will not file a discrimination lawsuit, but I will feel sad.
Again, while I do not know much about your faith, I have a deep respect for it and am a fast on the job learner. While you may not want to entrust your entire Catholic faith with somebody totally lacking in knowledge or appreciation of it, that seems intolerant. Judaism is filled with people questioning it at every turn. In America alone, half of American Jews undermine my faith in various ways. Our “culturally Jewish” people make your “cafeteria Catholics” seem downright holy and devout.
So please consider my resume to be the next Pope. The American economy is terrible and getting worse, and I heard that property prices are fairly reasonable given the palatial surroundings. I heard you have good schools and a low tax base.
Thank you in advance your Excellencies. Oh, and God bless of course!
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”
Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. Follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS.
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