LOS ANGELES, February 14, 2013 — Now that murderer Chris Dorner has been incinerated, it is vital to American television ratings that we overlook the victims and immediately move to affix blame for his actions. Mr. Dorner was an admirer of liberals in the media, publicly praising them in his manifesto.
This is concrete proof that Republicans are to blame for the tragedy. Let me connect the dots for everybody before Joan Walsh at Salon and Maureen Dowd at the New York Times do so.
Republicans hated (what conservatives call “disagreeing”) Bill Clinton and they hate Barack Obama. Therefore, they engineered crises to take away attention from the State of the Union. White Republican racists exploited vulnerable blacks to sabotage the SOTU. In 1995, OJ Simpson was part of the plot. This year it was Chris Dorner. The plan worked perfectly, since the 2013 SOTU was the lowest rated event in the past 14 years.
This has nothing to do with President Obama being an utter gasbag who says nothing and does even less. Anything affecting Obama adversely must be somebody else’s fault.
Cold, heartless GOP policies caused the carnage.
If California had high speed rail, Dorner would not have had to carjack innocent individuals. Even worse, the car he stole was not a hybrid.
If only Republicans had invested more in education, Dorner would have received the love and caring that separates the sweethearts from the killers. There is no middle ground. Either kids are nurtured in public schools, or they become homicidal maniacs.
If only we had more gun control legislation, America would be protected by the police. Yes, Dorner was a police officer, but a police officer gone bad could never possibly happen again.
Republicans wanted Dorner to die exactly the way he did. Dorner happened to be black, and as any liberal will claim, Republicans support lynching. In fact, every Republican in America is just sitting back thinking about how to take minorities and set them on fire. The economy and job losses are too boring to contemplate.
Even better than a racial killing is a racial killing that harms the environment. After all, nothing makes conservatives happier than seeing burning wood releasing toxic fumes into the air. If only the entire tree population in the area had burned, the plan would have been perfect.
Let’s just get the attacks over with and save the world some time. Sarah Palin and George W. Bush plotted with the National Rifle Association and the Israel Lobby to ensure that a madman was on the loose.
Give it a day or two. Jared Lee Loughner and every other killer is tangentially tied to conservatism until evidence shows leftist leanings. Then the media finds the topic as boring as a Barack Obama speech. Right now Paul Krugman and his Unabomber-like beard are working on a way to connect Dorner to supply-side tax cuts and the Iraq War.
Liberals will claim that they would never do something so horrible as to blame their fellow Americans for a senseless tragedy. For those attending public school, “never” means “always” in the same way Michael Jackson sang “bad” when he meant “good.”
How about America have a real national conversation instead of the phony one liberals try to inflict on all of us?
Liberals are obsessed with “programs.” We would have a better society if we just had more useless, worthless programs. Social spending will lead to Nirvana. The idea that Chris Dorner was a crackpot is just dismissed as heartless conservatism.
Dorner was a crackpot. He was also a racial grievance-monger, blaming racism for his firing from the police force rather than his own incompetence on the job. He was also able to go on a killing rampage in California because he knew there was a better chance his victims would be unarmed.
In a conservative America, loonie tunes would be placed in loonie bins. They would be forcibly medicated. They would not be given access to MSNBC or other individuals who pray on the weakness of those obsessed with “fairness.”
In a conservative America Dorner would have been slapped upside the head by a caring friend a couple years ago and told “Life is unfair. Get over it.”
If Dorner had ever stopped in a diner and ordered a cup of tea, the Daily Kos and Huffington Post would have the headline read “Tea Party guy kills people.” So what does one call a man who blames racism for his failures and worships MSNBC and Hollywood celebrities?
We call that person a liberal.
Is liberalism to blame for Dorner? Unless Dorner used guns that Attorney General Eric Holder supplied during “Fast and Furious,” then no. Dorner and only Dorner is responsible for the evil he committed.
Yet when liberals inevitably try to exploit this or the next tragedy for political gain, conservatives should be prepared.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”
Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. Follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS.
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