LOS ANGELES, February 13, 2013—President Obama lit up the night sky with the most inspiring State of the Union address since the founding of the Republic. His place on Mt. Rushmore now secured, the word “transformational” should have his picture next to it.
He took a bold stand and told everybody how he felt about the Keystone Pipeline. Rather than just demonize gun owners, he called out Hollywood for the glorification of violence in movies and video games. He brought up a young girl who recently was murdered in Chicago in a dignified manner without a hint of exploitation. He bravely took on his own party when he pointed out the failed liberal policies that have destroyed the city he helped run.
On foreign policy, he named the names of all the people who pushed the false video narrative that has led to a film-maker being imprisoned on trumped-up charges. He thanked the ACLU for demanding the young man’s release and made it clear that Radical Islam was to blame for the murder of Ambassador Stevens in Benghazi.
In an attempt to bring America together, he graciously thanked President George W. Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney for giving him the interrogation techniques necessary to capture Osama bin Laden.
He ended by telling the America people that while he deeply believes in investing in education, a green economy, high speed rail, and Obamacare, there would be no further activist government programs until the economy was fully dealt with.
The rest of the speech was murky due to my being distracted. Shannen Doherty showed up at my door wearing only an overcoat. She was carrying a steak dinner in one hand and tickets to next year’s Super Bowl in the other hand. Apparently she is single again and would happily convert to Judaism if I promised to give her a back massage every time Obama stirred America’s heartstrings.
Fine, every word so far has been as phony as a Barack Obama speech (except for the Shannen Doherty part).
As expected, this was the “State of the Useless.” A man with zero real world experience and only grand visions offered zero ideas on how to pay for anything. When Congress refuses to act, he will just move unilaterally.
What is his energy policy? Nobody knows. Keystone Pipeline? He is either for it, against it, or both. High speed rail? The people don’t want it. Investing in education? A government takeover of failed public schools is the only way to make them worse. Reforming entitlements? Yes, but without making any actual changes. Deficit reduction? He would look at Simpson Bowles, which he ignored last year.
He explained that the sequester would kill all of our children in a fiery ball of evil, despite the fact that it was his idea. The sequester does not cut a single thing. It actually slows the rate of growth of spending that increases mostly because of Barack Obama.
The high point of the speech came when Obama demanded that the minimum wage be raised to $9 per hour. Obama deserves praise for this. Even though many argue this would be bad policy, it was the only time in the speech where he advocated any specific policy proposal at all. This brave move of using a real number that will never be enacted into law muted any attacks that his speech was 100% nonsense.
In a stunning move that is shocking only to those still unsure if water truly is wet, Obama will go out on the campaign trail to take his case to the people. He will speak in front of adoring crowds who already agree with him. Real Americans in middle America who work for a living will be lighting up congressional phones demanding these proposals go down in flames. The 2014 elections will most likely repeat 2010 as an obtuse man with tin ears refuses to use them to listen to anybody.
His agenda will die in Congress and his executive orders will all be reversed. Nothing in this speech will ever be translated into meaningful laws, nor should any of it. It was his most meaningful speech since his inauguration address a couple of weeks ago. It was his most eagerly anticipated speech until the next one he gives tomorrow where he says the same things. His passionate words about guns will be forgotten long before cowering Democrats decide that reviving their 1994 election shellacking is not worth the price.
Explaining to Obama that the people just want real jobs is a waste of time. Reality tends to bore him, so he chooses not to live in the same zip code it can be found. Since his supporters judge him based on ideology, intentions and melanin content, the results will not matter. Chris Matthews concluded the evening by serenading Obama to Mary J. Blige’s “You are everything, and everything is you.”
One should forgive me for tuning out President Obama. I am busy trying to figure out the best after dinner position to lay in while Miss Doherty drops peeled grapes into my mouth. The rest of America does not need my reasons. Everybody with life experience more significant than yelling “No justice, No peace” on the South Side of Chicago knows that Obama is not God or Satan. He is just meaningless and boring. People wanting adult leadership should read the text of Senator Marco Rubio’s Republican Response. Senator Rand Paul offered the Tea Party response. If Obama had everyone in a sleep-induced coma before their remarks, that only proves his brilliance.
Given that the other news story of the night involved crazed ex-police officer Chris Dorner murdering people, the State of the Useless was great escapism television. Think of it as “The Real Housewives,” only more shallow.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”
Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. Follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS.
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