LOS ANGELES, December 28, 2013 — In 2009, the world forever changed with the first release of the list containing the top ten Powerful Bald White Guys (PBWGs). This annual tradition continued in 2010, 2011, 2012, and 2013, in addition to a PBWG all-decade list.
In the mold of Dann Florek, who plays Captain Don Cragen on “Law and Order: Special Victims Unit,” PBWGs run the world. They are the guys who bark orders. They look authoritative and sound reassuring.
In 2012, a Caucasian friend with good hair asked a simple question. Is it more important that these men be white, or that they be bald?
Bald. Definitely bald. The guy in charge has to be follically challenged. Life is a trade-off. Older guys get money and power, while younger guys with perfect hair wait their turn to climb the ladder.
Later in 2012, Kevin Jackson of the Black Sphere asked an even more important question. Given the breaking down of racial barriers, where is the list of the top ten Powerful Bald Black Guys?
His point is an excellent one. The bald guys in power are so secretive that there is no way for us to know what race they truly are. Societies evolve, and it is high time the glass ceiling be forever shattered, provided it is done by men. The world does not need a list of bald women now or ever.
The list was compiled voluntarily. Protest marches by Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson had no effect since they have never had to identify with the struggle of male pattern baldness.
Welcome to the 2013 Kevin Jackson Awards, the Top Ten PBBGs of 2013. In order to avoid conflict of interest, PBBG KJ is ineligible for consideration. South Carolina Congressman James Clyburn just missed the list because every photo of him hides the evidence. His baldness is disputed. Also, he is in the minority. No, not a racial minority, since everyone on this list is black. He is in the congressional minority, limiting his power.
This also eliminates Maryland Congressman Elijah Cummings. His job is to jump on grenades to protect President Obama at all costs by impeding all congressional investigations. His tasks include demonizing ranking Republican Chairman Darrell Issa, discrediting any hearings, hoping the public loses interest, and seizing the gavel himself if the Democrats win back the House.
With that, here are the top ten PBBGs of 2013.
10) Michael Steele — He was briefly the head of the Republican National Committee. Republicans won big during his tenure, but he was replaced anyway.
9) LeBron James — He shaved his head, but rumors are that his hairline was receding anyway. With two NBA championships to his name and several years left in a stellar career, he could become the greatest PBBG of all time. He would rank higher but his story is still being written.
8) Ward Connerly — The President of the American Civil Rights Institute is obsessed with turning education into a meritocracy and eliminating unfair quotas from school admissions practices.
7) Armstrong Williams — This Washington radio host went toe to toe with a white liberal insisting that affirmative action was needed to help blacks. Williams replied, “I’m not inferior,” and that the “help” was not needed. He and his children would win and excel on merit.
6) John Lewis — He became a civil rights hero by marching non-violently with Martin Luther King Jr. and singing “we shall overcome” in the face of hostile opposition. This Georgia Democratic congressman would rank higher but so much time has passed that many young people do not know who he is or what he did.
5) Jason Riley — He is a member of the Wall Street Journal Editorial Board, which means he knows virtually everything. The father of economic brilliance was Milton Friedman, a Caucasian. He had two black sons, Dr. Walter Williams and Dr. Thomas Sowell. The third generation grandson is Steve Moore, who is white. The fourth generation great-grandson of supply-side economics is Riley. He speaks calmly, without bombast. The best and brightest do not need to announce it with a bullhorn.
4) Herman Cain — He rose from poverty to become the CEO of Burger King and other troubled companies. He became a turnaround specialist, returning struggling companies to profitability. He became an influential and beloved radio host and serious Republican presidential contender. Before his campaign was derailed, he was leading in the polls.
3) Elbert Guillory — This Louisiana state legislator shocked the political world by switching from Democrat to Republican. He is a calm, quiet, thoughtful orator who speaks with controlled and dignified passion about personal responsibility.
2) Tim Scott — This South Carolina Congressman rose rapidly and was appointed to the United States Senate when a vacancy opened. He is a rock star in his home state, a principled conservative who actually votes the way he says he will. He could be president one day.
1) Michael Jordan — With all due to respect to players currently playing, Michael Jordan is the greatest basketball player ever. The only argument is who could become the “next Jordan.” Right now the argument is if another player is even allowed to be in the conversation. “Air” Jordan also showed the upward mobility of America. After he retired for good, he became more than a player with six championship rings. He is now a team owner. He is a global celebrity famous for his accomplishments. Every boy on earth who ever watched him play basketball wanted to “be like Mike.” God gave him talent, but his work ethic made him the best.
When he shaved his head, plenty of other players copied him. He now has a seventh award. He is the top PBBG of 2013.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.” Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. Follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS.
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