LOS ANGELES, December 15, 2013 — America has gone from being the land of opportunity to the land of endless grievances. Nonsense becomes magnified as the Industry of Perpetual Complainers (IPC) rear their hideously ugly heads.
However, with the broken clock theory still accurate, even IPC leaders are right concerning the kerfuffle over Santa Claus and Jesus Christ.
As a former IPC almost-member myself, my Jewish heritage made it necessary to point out that Santa is an anti-Semite. He has always skipped the Jewish houses, an obvious act of Jew-hatred. An attempt to file a class-action lawsuit was stifled in 1980 when a father told his eight-year-old, “Son, we need to talk.”
Now IPC leftists are attacking Megyn Kelly over innocuous comments about Santa and Jesus being Caucasian.
While Kelly is a sharp analytical mind who is the best thing to happen to television news in some time, even the nearly flawless can get something wrong. This is the reverse broken clock theory.
So with all due respect to Kelly and her IPC attackers, this serious issue that is far more important than Iran building a bomb, Syrian genocide, and a failed economy must be put to rest immediately.
It is obvious that Santa and Jesus are both black.
Start with Santa. He operates at night in the shadows. Without anyone seeing him, he gets the job done wherever he is needed. The streets are clean, since none of the presents get hijacked. Only one man could do all of that work without being spotted.
That’s right. Santa is John (Shut your mouth! But I’m talking about) Shaft.
Can you dig it?
Surprises. Stealth. Shaft. Santa. Shut your mouth. Case closed.
As for Jesus, the debate over his race was settled in the 1970s. The television show was “Good Times,” starring Esther Rolle as Florida Evans, John Amos as her husband James, and Jimmie Walker as eldest child J.J “Kid Dyn-O-Mite” Evans.
Despite being poor and living in the ghetto in Chicago, everything changed when a picture of black Jesus entered their home.
Florida was a deeply religious and proud matriarch of a black family. She insisted Jesus was white, and that the good fortunes occurring were mere coincidences. The rest of the family was quickly converted to the notion of black Jesus. Neighbors realized that the picture was actually a local drunk known as “Ned the Wino.”
Jesus was thought to have taken the form of the weakest among us to see who was truly deserving. In one episode Florida got Ned the Wino cleaned up because he showed up on their doorstep the day they were about to win the award for cleanest neighborhood home.
The neighbors knew who he was, and determined that anybody who could clean up Ned the Wino deserved the award.
If that is not divine intervention, then nothing is. Ned the Wino was Jesus, and he brought miracles to the Evans family.
The evidence is overwhelming. The case is closed.
Santa is black. Jesus is black. The IPCs can now worry about more important issues, such as the racial explanation for why clam chowder comes in white and red but not black.
No black clam chowder, no justice, no peace!
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.” Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. Follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS.
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