LOS ANGELES, August 7, 2013 —Every few months Israelis and Palestinians decide to call a brief timeout in their conflict and waste each other’s time with peace talks that will amount to nothing.
Once again, the Israelis have decided to show that they can be the dumbest creatures on Earth except for modern Republicans and Katy Perry. Like Charlie Brown failing to kick the football, Israelis have decided to make painful concessions in exchange for the right to make more painful concessions.
In the 2013 version of Israel’s surrender, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has agreed to release 104 Palestinian murderers. In exchange, the Palestinians will give Israel some golden unicorns. Israelis also asked for some magic beans from Jack’s beanstalk, but that demand was rejected as too costly.
While there are those eternal optimists — read: gullible fools — who think there will actually be a lasting peace agreement this time, the evidence of failure exists before the talks start. Secretary of State John Kerry is in charge, proving the utter uselessness of this entire endeavor. President Obama is avoiding any involvement so he can avoid blame. While genocide occurs in Syria, the Obama administration is once again resorting to bullying Israel into self-immolation.
In past rounds of peace talks, the Palestinians shook hands, signed agreements, and then celebrated their victories by murdering Israelis. For those not understanding what the phrase “Death to Israel,” actually means, it does not involve Palestinians making peace with the evil donkey Zionist aggressor infidel Little Satan Israel.
The golden unicorns being offered are actually gold plate, and retail on eBay for about $7.99 before taxes and shipping. The unicorns will have horns that are encrusted with cubic zirconia representing the finest fake diamonds that insincere murderers can offer.
For those who believe that this time will be different, they are right. With American leadership consisting of Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel and the even worse Samantha Power, Israel will be even worse off.
The Palestinians at this point should be so confident of victory that they may consider lacing the golden unicorns with dynamite so they can begin the victory killings the moment their prisoners are released.
While Israel is supposed to release the prisoners in four stages, this will not matter. After the first stage, once some Israelis are killed, the Obama administration will make sure to remind Netanyahu that a few dead Jews cannot be an excuse to avoid the painful concessions necessary for Israel to have a lasting peace. Lasting will be defined as at least ten but not more than twelve minutes.
If any Israeli blood ends up on the unicorns, Hamas is expected to steal them back and auction them off to their own terrorists for thousands of dollars.
This concludes the initial stages of the pointless peace talks that will fail. More information will be provided to the public by the Obama administration once the actual failure occurs. Since George W. Bush has done nothing to create peace in the Middle East since he left office, these failed talks will be his fault.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”
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