LOS ANGELES, April 20, 2013 — While there is nothing funny about death and destruction, the Boston Marathon bombing and subsequent events have people desperate to feel good again and crack smiles. Our choices as Americans are to laugh or cry. While there will be only tears for the families of the victims, the healing process has to begin. Humor is part of that, and “too soon” is subjective.
In the wake of 9/11, after taking a few days off, David Letterman returned and was masterful. The rest of the comedians soon returned.
In a great opening skit, Saturday Night Live asked if it was ok to be funny. New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani smiled and asked “Why start now?”
Gilbert Gottfried had the joke of all jokes to ease the tension.
In junior high school he had an al Qaeda nickname. “I was known as ‘Nevah been laidin.’”
So with a deep internal sense of sadness and anger, here are some streams of consciousness that will hopefully make somebody, somewhere crack a smile.
“The next time the media or anybody else criticizes law enforcement for being deliberate, ask yourself how long it takes to find your car in a mall parking lot.” (Inspired by Anthony Clark)
“America got Noriega to surrender by blaring rock music. Couldn’t we have just played Barbra Streisand records to make terrorists surrender? Or is that torture under the Geneva Convention?”
“The media should stop calling the two Marathon bombers ‘lone wolves.’ There’s no such thing. As Joe Montagne said to Brendan Fraser in ‘Airheads,’ ‘You call yourselves the Lone Rangers? There’s three of you. You can’t be lone.’”
“Imagine an honest reporter. ‘Well there is no information, but let’s demand a press conference so law enforcement can say no comment because they have no information. We can then report that badly.’”
“The media reported the Boston Marathon bombing responsibly, fairly, and accurately, according to unverified media reports.”
“Every time a crazy person goes bonkers like this Boston bomber, neighbors are like ‘He was a good kid, we are surprised.’ Just once can’t one neighbor be like, ‘Oh yeah, we knew he was going to snap. He was nuts.’ They can’t all be good kids. It is doubtful this kid was in the glee club or the yearbook group. One reason we are in such trouble is nobody wants to say any kid is bad. ‘I’m just a soul whose intentions are good, oh lord please don’t let me be misunderstood.’”
“College students are innovative but not very sensitive. Huddled around televisions Friday night, a new drinking game had them doing ‘shots’ every time the media said the word. They spent Saturday night grieving in clubs doing this while listening to Rapper Lil Jon sing his hit song ‘shots.’”
“All this talk about Suspect #1 and #2 was getting confusing. Hollywood producers identified #2 as the guy who tried to kill Mike Myers in the first Austin Powers movie.”
“The FBI has to be cautious, but not the media. Reporters apparently read Dr. Seuss books before covering the press conferences. The packages the suspects were carrying were referred to as ‘Thing 1’ and ‘Thing 2.’”
“The search for Thing 1 and Thing 2 took a rough turn when innocent happy individuals in red jumpsuits with wild hair were detained. They were released and are back in Whoville, now known as Whattheheckville.”
“One man was detained by police, told to get naked, and handcuffed. It turned out to be a college fraternity party and that man was no police officer.”
“The reason many people feel safe in Los Angeles is because terrorists look at the city of Angels and think one of two things:
1) Leave them alone, they’ll destroy it themselves.
2) Nothing left to do, they already have destroyed it themselves.”
“When asked when things would get back to normal, Boston residents said it would take time. Los Angeles residents admitted to not knowing the meaning of the word.”
“Is it coincidental that politicians are being mailed ‘suspicious packages’ around the same time that Anthony Weiner contemplates running for New York City Mayor?”
“Some people are against the use of predator drones on American citizens on American soil. The Marathon Bomber was found in a boat. We should have let him take the boat a few feet over some water. Then he would not be on ‘soil.’”
“Detroit and Chicago will remain on lockdown until the threat is lifted. This has nothing to do with the Boston Marathon bomber and everything to do with everyday life in Detroit and Chicago.”
“Those searching for Islamist bombers should check local university faculty lounges. Professors as we speak may be offering them tenure.”
“After several media errors, they over compensated. When told there was a suspect in custody, they prayed and said nobody knew if it was the right suspect or just any suspect. Meanwhile, their reporting remained suspect.”
“President Obama cautioned Americans not to rush to judgment in the wake of these terrorist attacks. After seeing videos of the suspects, he blamed the video and had the film-maker arrested.”
May God bless us all, and may silver linings among the black clouds come sooner rather than later.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”
Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. Follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS.
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