LOS ANGELES, April 17, 2013 — On April 15th, two bombs exploded at 2:54pm EST, killing three people and wounding many more at the Boston Marathon. This concludes the reporting of the confirmed facts.
According to unverified media reports, the media responsibly, properly and accurately covered the Boston Marathon bomber story.
ABC is now reporting that NBC said that somebody on CBS has it on good authority from a New York City cab driver with a passenger working at a dental firm who is “in the know” about what actually happened. The cabbie also insists that the dental assistant’s stock tips are valid.
A least one suspect has either been detained, arrested, or never existed. CNN now can say with certainty that everything about the bomber is known except for his race, height, weight, and religion. After the National Organiation for Women declared CNN sexist, Wolf Blitzer admitted that the killer could have been female, or even a transexual vegan. MSNBC’s Chris Matthews made it clear that the bomber must be a white male conservative, most likely RNC Chairman Reince Priebus from Wisconsin. A spokesperson for Priebus denied his involvement in the bombing while admitting that he did look like a caucasian male from Wisconsin.
Al Jazeera and Code Pink blamed the Jews and everybody else associated with the Zionist Crusader Alliance for World Domination. Ron Paul supporters blamed Ben Bernanke.
MSNBC insisted that they had sources, although executives were observed ordering all personnel to avoid speaking until the official reports came in from New York Times writers Paul Krugman and Thomas Friedman. They were allowed to say the bombing was all George W. Bush’s fault provided nobody tried to explain how.
CNN and MSNBC latched on to a BBC report that they claimed actually did show a radical Islamic connection to the bombings. Yet bloggers quickly noted that the BBC article referenced the July 7th, 2005 bombings in England. After consulting the Drudge Report, MSNBC executives were told that Boston was in New England, not Ye Olde England. Since British people drink tea, this revived the tea party connection to the terrorist attacks.
CBS News officials made it clear that information disseminated incorrectly as news could still be considered accurate as long as they reported the story first. Dan Rather and Mary Mapes were not available for comment.
Fox News President Roger Ailes, in a preemptive strike, insisted that nobody at his network caused the bombing. MSNBC did inquire if that covers former employees such as Sarah Palin, and Ailes confirmed that it did to a sulking Ed Schultz. Rachel Maddow demanded that the FBI investigate Rush Limbaugh and the Koch Brothers while thanking George Soros for her paycheck.
President Obama made it clear that this was not the time for blame. He then shifted the conversation to gun control and proceded to demonize and blame anybody and everybody who disagreed with him. He then called for bipartisanship.
ABC, NBC and CBS denied reports that every single one of their “sources” worked at the Politico. The Politico denied simply reading the Huffington Post and the Daily Kos, while those outlets insisted that they were not checking the Drudge Report for what actually happened.
Fox News reported that a press conference to clear everything up would be held at 2, unless it was to be held at 5, 8, or cancelled altogether. No consensus existed on whether this was AM, PM, PST, EST, or military time.
As of now, there are some certainties. The bomber is either a radical Islamist, radical leftist, radical conservative, or just a crazed evil person in a bad mood.
While nobody in the media has any access to any valid information on the bomber, reporters at TMZ say they know who killed J.R. Ewing on “Dallas.”
Suspicious packages are being sent to President Obama and members of Congress. This time Anthony Weiner is not a suspect.
So when all is said and done, nothing valuable has been said and nothing useful has been done that we know about. This is life in the 24 hour news cycle. Any minute now more incorrect reports will be disseminated, retracted, and disseminated again.
Nobody in the media knows anything about anything that is actually happening about anything. That is the news, and the only other fact that can be stated with certainty.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”
Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. Follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS.
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