SOUTH FLORIDA, October 31, 2012 ― Halloween got a jump on Christmas, throwing lumps of coal at Americans who hate losing their earthly possessions even more than they hate confused metaphors.
Hurricane Sandy destroyed cities, including some that weren’t already disaster areas before the storm hit. Not all of the news was bad. For once Americans got to hear about the Jersey Shore without having to hear about Snooki or the Situation. Katy Perry was not quoted, and the Kardashians were where they should be: nowhere in sight.
Both President Barack Obama and Governor Mitt Romney had to come up with creative ways to rip each other’s throats out while looking statesmanlike and compassionate. This involved pretending not to campaign while covertly campaigning.
People say it is inappropriate to be lighthearted amidst suffering. Insincerity is a bigger sin than tactlessness. There is only so much we can all do to help the hurricane victims, so let’s just be who we really are and drop all pretense. Besides, Americans were murdered in Libya last month and the jokes kept flying on late-night TV.
Picture an honest world where candidates speak without forked tongues.
“I’m Mitt Romney, and I approve this message. Four years ago Barack Obama said that his election would launch the age when the oceans would recede and the planet would begin to heal. He obviously misled the American people. Hurricane Sandy has devastated much of the Eastern time zone with the very rise in water levels that Barack Obama said he would prevent. Obama lied, and people died. Americans want a leader who can truly end these storms. Barack Obama tried, but he failed.”
The response would be swift and severe.
“I’m Barack Obama, and I approve this message. Governor Romney does not believe in global warming. His refusal to invest in green technology is the very backward thinking that caused Hurricane Sandy. Had Mitt Romney invested in green companies, there would have been no storm. While I did fail to prevent this storm, I inherited a mess from an administration that also failed to prevent acts of God. God was very angry over the eight years of neglect prior to my administration, and His wrath was unleashed yesterday. Mitt Romney will return us to the same policies that will anger the Lord again. God created the climate, and He can change it at His will. Therefore, climate change is real. Vote for me or you will challenge God’s will and elect an anti-green monster.”
Yes, people are hurting. Yet laughter amidst the tears is all some people have left. The quicker we can all get back to our snarky, cynical selves, the faster the healing can begin.
Halloween is a day of joy, and even if kids toilet-paper your house, there is a quirky innocence to it. There will be costume parties, and the scariest masks will be gekkos, big birds, and women with a 1950s hairstyle letting you know that commercials are lies and your claim will be honored when pigs fly.
Some say this is no time for politics. Nonsense. The election is next week. The future of the entire world hangs in the balance, and yes, it is as much a matter of life and death as the storm that just clobbered the North-East.
So now that Halloween is upon us, we will do what we always do around this time: We’ll prepare for Christmas, even before we buy the Thanksgiving turkey. We’ll wonder whether Debbie Wasserman-Schultz deserves a lump of coal in her Slenderalls (the answer is “no”; Coal is bad for the environment, and since coal is black and she is Jewish, the gesture would be racist and anti-Semitic).
For those who worship Hollywood celebrities, this Halloween will most likely find them hosting lavish fundraisers that will raise millions of dollars which will never reach any actual victims. Then again, President Obama is a perpetual victim, so maybe their donations to him can be considered disaster relief.
The good news is that Obama’s foreign policy has been so successful that the world now loves America. They rushed to donate to the victims of Sandy, with every country except for about two hundred of them pitching in. Some people in the Middle East bled in solidarity with the victims, or they might have just been suicide bombers having a typical day.
For those who are worried that Washington will be slow to return to normal, Obama hatchet woman Stephanie Cutter is hard at work destroying innocent lives like the gale-force windbag that she is. She is the Twitter Tornado.
Some of us in Los Angeles understand the flooding in the East. My sink exploded, and it was a disgusting mess. Blaming Al Gore did not fix the problem, but thankfully a maintenance man did. Call me sexist, but he was not a maintenance woman.
(I was 3,000 miles away in South Florida, but I heard it was awful.)
Unlike New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina, there was no looting in New Jersey. Governor Christie is so tough that he could punch the hurricane in the face like Will Smith did to the alien in Independence Day. You don’t loot in Chris Christie’s territory.
In the presidential race, Governor Romney engaged in a cynical strategy to help people by asking Americans to donate canned goods. This is part of a sneaky and radical Christian tactic known as “love thy neighbor.”
Meanwhile, liberals shook their fists at the sky. They know that every minute people focus on insignificant matters such as life and death is a day that the mythical war on women cannot be discussed.
Occupy Wall Street was left adrift now that even financial professionals can’t occupy their own desks on Wall Street. There is nothing like a natural disaster to wash away protesters.
Libertarians were confused because while they want to end the Federal Reserve, nobody knows exactly where it is. It may have perished in the flood yesterday, or perhaps not.
Americans are exhausted. Between the bad economy, radical Islamists murdering Americans, natural disasters worse than Peace and Freedom candidate Roseanne Barr, and the never-ending presidential race, we are all spent.
We all know there is suffering. We just want to retreat into a safe place and have a few brief moments of enjoyment. Some people will not have that luxury. Yet for the rest of us, Halloween will be a great escape.
For me, levity will be combined with patriotism. Governor Romney speaks on Wednesday at the University of Miami. Democrats are desperate to find pictures of Romney in a jacuzzi with a college co-ed or in a nightclub in South Beach engaging in debauchery. To prevent this, I am throwing myself on the grenade. I will be sweeping South Beach from (tight) top to (apple) bottom to make sure he is not there. This could take days. It’s a dirty job, but somebody’s got to do it.
Besides, we can all learn from college coeds. They do not fear hurricanes. They drink them.
Even those who want the opinion of the original Hurricane, boxer Reuben Carter, will not get a clear answer. Bob Dylan wrote the song about him, and he is a leftist. Denzel Washington played Hurricane in the movie version, and he is a Republican.
This nation is hopelessly divided. So help your neighbor, and then go blow off some steam. The choice is to laugh or cry.
Hurricane Sandy is gone, soon to be replaced with Hurricane Candy Corn. This is America. Even in tough times, we know how to party.
For those who are not Christians or Pagans, today is also the Jewish holiday of Hal Levine. Happy birthday Hal!
Let the healing begin. Sandy was tough, but Americans are tougher. Happy Halloween.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”
Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. Follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS
Eric Golub is an independent writer for the Communities. Read more from Eric at TYGRRRR EXPRESS
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