PHOENIX, October 19, 2012 – Welcome to C-Span’s coverage of the third and final 2012 presidential debate. Due to President Obama and Governor Romney nearly coming to blows in the second debate, we had our highest ratings since we learned how to track ratings online last week. This was good because the first debate was even more boring than our usual lineup.
For those of you who want to watch something interesting, we recommend you switch to ESPN. During the third debate, Monday Night Football will feature the Chicago Bears and the Detroit Lions. Additionally, the Detroit Tigers are in the World Series. In fact, these sporting events seem so exciting that we may turn off our own debate coverage.
Moderator: Welcome. I’m Bob Schieffer, and this is the third and final presidential debate. The second debate featured a woman moderator asking a bunch of warm and fuzzy touchy-feely questions that had many men reaching for the remote control.
Given that most men tonight would rather be watching Monday Night Football, the questions on foreign policy will be geared toward alpha males who like violence and gratuitously blowing stuff up.
No more Steel Magnolias. It’s tme for The Expendables.
With that, the first question goes to both candidates. President Obama, why should people listen to you tonight when even you would rather be watching the Bears? Governor Romney, your father was from Detroit so I figure you would rather wtach the Lions or Tigers then be here with a cranky octagenarian like me.
What say you both?
Obama: Bob, the Bears will win. The Secret Service is taking care of the Lions. I cannot elaborate for security reasons. The Bears head coach is named Lovie, who was married to Thurston Howell III.
Anyway, enough about Ann and Mitt Romney. Mitt wanted to let Detroit go bankrupt. That includes the Lions and Tigers. When George W. Bush was in office, the Lions went 0-16. Then I came into office and they slowly improved. Last year they went 10-6 and made the playoffs.
They have more work to do, but under my leadership the Bears got back to the NFC Title Game for the first time in years.
Romney: My running mate Congressman Paul Ryan is a huge Packers fan, and it was the Packers who beat Obama’s Bears in that NFC Title Game. So for all of Obama’s talk, he didn’t deliver. Paul Ryan’s team did. Of course the Lions should have gone bankrupt. They are owned by the Ford family, which is getting killed overseas because of the Chinese cheat.
I will get tough on China so that the Lions have a fair chance to win.
As for the Tigers, they won it all in 1984 when Ronald Reagan was President. Not to take away from Sparky Anderson, but Reagan turned things around for the Tigers and I will as well.
Moderator: Gentlemen, let’s shift to college football. President Obama is from Hawaii. How do you feel about their college football team?
Obama: I liked when they called themselves the Rainbows. First of all, Jesse Jackson has done a great job with the Rainbow Coalition. Secondly, I favor gay marriage now and support the team’s commitment to equality.
Thirdly, now they call themselves the Warriors, and it is time for the wars to stop.
Lastly, even the most hard-hearted Republican would have to admit that rainbows themselves are very pretty. If Romney took over, there would be no more rainbows, just dirty air and water.
Romney: That’s not true. I am an environmentalist. Like Kermit the Frog, I am green. It ain’t easy being green. Kermit wondered why there are so many songs about rainbows. I am all for sunshine, lollipops, rainbows, and everything that’s wonderful.
I just don’t want the government to pay for it with taxpayer money.
America needs warriors, although it is time to bring the team home from the mainland since Hawaii is beautiful this time of year. Hawaii is home to the NFL Pro Bowl.
Obama: Devon Hester made the Pro Bowl. He plays for the Bears.
Romney: Stop interrupting. You keep talking out of turn. Besides, Matthew Stafford made the Pro Bowl and he plays for the Lions.
Moderator: Gentlemen, we are getting way off topic, we had switched to college football. Before we move on, any final comments on football?
Romney: Yes, Candy Crowley is built like an offensive tackle, and she did a great job blocking for President Obama the other night.
Obama: That was a cheap shot, and I will not have you talking about my teammate that way.
Moderator: Let’s talk about Israel.
Romney: I care about the Jewish people. Jim Schwartz, the coach of the Lions, is Jewish.
Obama: No he is not.
Moderator: You are not going to turn me into Candy Crowley. You are both right. President Obama is technically correct in that Lions coach Jim Schwartz is not legally Jewish. He is Christian. However, Governor Romney is correct from a logical standpoint because everybody thinks he is. It is kind of like the last name Schieffer. I may or may not be Jewish. I am so old I have no idea. I will have to check my Wikipedia page once my grandchildren tell me what I just said.
Besides, the Jewish people could use some more athletes since nobody respects Nobel Prize winners any more.
Obama: Hey, that’s not fair.
Romney: Tell that to foreign policy failure Jimmy Carter. He has one as well.
Moderator: Look, we would all rather be watching the game. Rather than rehash every foreign policy hotspot separately, just name a bunch of countries and some thoughts.
Obama: I killed bin Laden. Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Kurdistan and my friend Stan. Forward, hope, change, balanced approach, yes we can, millionaires and billionaires, fair shot, fair shake, fair deal, fair ball, war on women, blacks back in chains, women in binders, invest in education, hire more schoolteachers.
Romney: Obama is wrong on everything. He left out Syria, proving that he does not care. He dropped the ball.
Obama: Hey, Devon Hester drops the ball once in awhile, but if you wait long enough he returns a kick for a touchdown. He just needs time, and so do I to move forward and finish what I started. If Governor Romney takes over the Lions will soon go 0-16 again just like when the Republicans ran things into the ditch last time.
Romney: You have never worked. That is why your pension is smaller than mine, and of most NFL players.
Obama: Governor, references to your anatomy are totally inappropriate and you should be ashamed for using that kind of language. I have daughters, and they deserve better than to hear your vulgarity.
Romney: I said “pension.”
Obama: Oh ok, it was tough to hear you over that static.
Moderator: Sorry for the static. I was bored so I put Monday Night Football on my radio. As soon as both of you leave I am headed to the sportsbar to watch it. So make your closing statements so the rest of America can enjoy the game.
Obama: You know football is a noble game, involving a ball and men working hard, and…
Romney: Enough with your waxing poetic. You can even make football boring. No wonder you did not make the Harvard football team. You bowled a 37, so football may be too masculine for you.
Moderator: Even I was getting bored and I am rooting for Obama. I was going to say something profound, but according to my bosses at CBS, my only redeeming quality is that I am not Dan Rather or Katie Couric.
This concludes C-Spans coverage of the third and fina presidential debate. We would say more but we were busy watching Monday Night Football on ESPN and missed our own program. Goodnight, and don’t forget to vote, unless you do.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”
Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. Follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS
Eric Golub is an independent writer for the Communities. Read more from Eric at TYGRRRR EXPRESS
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