BOSTON, October 11, 2012 – Today on C-Span, we have the 2012 Vice Presidential Mock Debate. We would say more but we know that we are so boring that if we drone on for thirty more seconds you will change the channel.
Here is the program in its mock entirety.
Moderator: Hello and welcome to the 2012 Vice Presidential Mock Debate. I am the moderator. Who I am is unimportant. Rather than me asking questions, we have decided to let Congressman Paul Ryan and Vice President Joe Biden question each other.
The Obama-Biden team strenuously objected to this, but Mr. Biden was dragged here kicking and screaming that he was only willing to debate Governor Sarah Palin. While he lost that debate, he knew that we in the media hated her so much that he would be declared the winner.
Gentleman, we have locked you both in a steel cage. Have at it and I will check back on you in ninety minutes.
Ryan: The Obama-Biden administration has failed. Mitt Romney and I have actual plans to govern this nation. We have real policies to discuss in these serious times. Here are some of our ideas.
Biden: It is so f-in great to be here. Paul, may I call you Sarah or Governor Palin? It would make me feel more comfortable since the media seems to find you intelligent and likable. Anyway, I am sure Mitt Romney is a good guy, but he spent his life causing innocent Americans to get cancer and die.
Ryan: Supply-side economics would help get our economy moving again.
Biden: We inherited a mess. We can’t go back to the failed policies of the past. George W. Bush cut taxes in 2001 and 2003 and then in 2008 we had a financial crash. Somehow those things are related. It’s hard to explain how but every economist who agrees with us knows this. Also, Barack Obama is a clean, articulate, black man who is well groomed. We can’t go back to the days when George W. Bush wanted to put Barack Obama and y’all black people back in chains. Kanye West can explain this.
Ryan: Tax cuts are sound economic policy. They grow the economy. Right now the economy is not growing.
Biden: Look, let’s not debate whether or not tax cuts work. That is too complicated. Let’s change the subject to foreign policy, since I have thirty years of experience. Osama bin Laden is dead and General Motors is alive.
Ryan: Actually General Motors is still economics, and they are on life support. The bailout of the unions totally failed and the company is on the verge of bankruptcy again. Ford was not bailed out and they are doing better. As for Osama bin Laden, the truth tells a different story.
The Obama administration was totally unprepared for the attacks on the 9/11 anniversary and the death of Ambassador Stevens happened on your watch. The Arab Spring has been a total disaster and Iran is building a nuclear bomb. Your policies are not working.
Biden: I have thirty years of experience.
Ryan: You wanted to partition Iraq into three parts. You were wrong.
Biden: Stop distracting the people. We were talking about social issues. Hey, if two gay black men want to get married and one of them gets pregnant, they have every right to an abortion even if the child is white! Why doesn’t Romney understand this? Is he racist, sexist, or homophobic?”
Ryan: Men can’t get pregnant, Joe. It’s biological.
Biden: This is not global warming or climate change or whatever we call it this week. I mean environmentalists are like black leaders. One week it is black, next week it is African-American. Do you understand what I mean?
Ryan: I don’t think anybody does, nor should they.
Biden: The point is, unlike global warming, the issue of male pregnancy is not settled. The science is not settled. You do not have a degree in biology. You probably think babies come from a stork named Big Bird.
Ryan: Big Bird is not a stork.
Biden: Don’t argue with me Paul. I have been watching Sesame Street every day since I became Vice President. It allows me to help Sasha and Malia with their homework.
Ryan: This defies belief. Let’s talk about the 16 trillion dollar debt, or the fact that America’s credit rating was downgraded. Let’s talk about the millions of people living below the poverty line, and how the Obama policies have made things worse. Let’s just talk about the issues.
Biden: I am not going to stand here and debate with a man who spreads falsehoods. I am not saying you and Mitt Romney are liars because that does not poll well. You are simply a couple of insincere cads who play fast and loose with the truth while misleading people with things you know are not true.
Ryan: Joe, if you are going to question my and Mitt Romney’s integrity, don’t just toss around words. What did we specifically lie about? Tell the American people what you think is the truth.
Biden: You can’t handle the truth! Neither can I! Neither can the American people! Barack Obama knows what’s best for everybody. He told me so, and unbiased sources in the media that I can’t name confirm this. Just because the middle class has gotten crushed the last four years under our watch doesn’t mean we should be held accountable.
Ryan: Look Joe, you have had a long career on the public dole and you have repeatedly said you have not made much money. Let Mitt Romney and me retire you and President Obama and we will give you a tax cut and help you keep more of what you earn.
Biden: Ok, and please buy me a car as well. I really hate taking the train every day. Anyway, I am not in the mood to give an original closing statement so I will reread some recycled cliches about how Republicans hate blacks, gays, and women and then quote some of my favorite Neil Kinnock lyrics.
Moderator: While Mr. Biden obviously won this debate, in the interest of neutrality we will pretend that Mr. Ryan did a good job as well.
This concludes C-Span’s coverage of the 2012 Vice Presidential Mock Debate. Tomorrow we will show a test pattern while watching grass grow to see if that gets us higher ratings.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”
Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. Follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS
Eric Golub is an independent writer for the Communities. Read more from Eric at TYGRRRR EXPRESS