SOUTH FLORIDA, November 7, 2012 – Americans went to the polls and unanimously came together to vote for four more years of Obamacare’s paralysis and managed decline.
Democrats retained the White House and the Senate while Republicans kept control of the House of Representatives. This proved that Americans upset with the direction of the country decided to send a message by supporting the status quo.
The current White House occupant wants everybody to work together, which too often seems to mean everybody shutting up and agreeing with him.
Americans created new history by electing a black woman, Valerie Jarrett, to the White House. Governor Mitt Romney called Ms. Jarrett to congratulate her on her reelection only Ms. Jarrett preferred to stay in the shadows. Governor Romney he spoke to President Obama instead.
As election results were coming in, the American economy stands teetering on the verge of collapse and radical Islamic terrorists are plotting to kill us all. When these issues have been previously brought up, it was made clear that the President inherited that mess from his 2008 predecessor.
Needless to say, nobody could possibly fix such severe problems in only two terms, much less one.
Congressional Republicans vow to contribute to the paralysis by making sure that every presidential request, reasonable or not, will be followed by the word “no.”
While the country has been ripped apart, it has been made clear that all Americans are welcome in the new coalition providing they are blacks, gays, angry feminists, self-loathing Jews, and people young enough to find brilliance in Katy Perry.
Conservatives are vowing to accept the results and treat the opposition with the same dignity and respect that George W. Bush was treated by Democrats in 2000 and 2004. It may not be pretty.
While many are in despair over the results, celebrations, including those programmed at US Embassies abroad, were taking place in Chicago, China, Malaysia, Boston, Seattle, Syria and Iran.
Cars were overturned in celebration with guns fired in the air in demilitarized zones in Detroit and Afghanistan.
Social conservatives are vowing to rethink their positions on every issue they hold dear. More abortions, gay unions, and contraception is now the only way to ensure that fewer liberals exist in twenty years.
Conservatives will take the five conservative Supreme Court justices and treat them like the lead character in “Weekend at Bernies” should anything happen to them. We wish them good health for the next fours years and beyond.
Ron Paul and Gary Johnson supporters were insisting they mattered while railing about Ben Bernanke and the Federal Reserve. The remaining 99.99% of Americans quietly admitted they had no idea who Mr. Bernanke is or what he actually does.
Civil rights advocates praised Ms. Jarrett’s spokesperson and noted that he may wish to govern himself one day. Whatever one may think of his beliefs, the biggest gain may be that Americans showed that they were finally willing to put bigotry aside by re-electing a Vulcan. The Star Trek people now have representation. Live long and prosper.
In positive news, the remaining members of al Qaeda have decided to stop trying to destroy us since we have finally bent to their will and will do it to ourselves. Our suicide mission on November 6, 2012 saved them the hassle of having to buy rocket launchers, especially with fuel prices set to skyrocket to levels that make Jihad too expensive.
As for financial markets, every stock will most likely crash with the exception of whoever it is that makes antacid.
So for those who were worried about unmanaged decline, do not fret. The decline will be fully managed. The gutting of our military through sequestration, the piling on of trillions more in debt, the refusal to restructure entitlements, the destruction of the American healthcare system, and the giving away of free stuff from others who rightfully earn it is all being carefully managed.
This is before we throw devalued money down a sewer full of rats, also known as investing in public education and green technology.
This concludes coverage of “Election 2012 Euthanasia—Assisted American Electoral Suicide,” and America as we knew it.
Times are changing. America will be missed.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”
Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. Follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS
Eric Golub is an independent writer for the Communities. Read more from Eric at TYGRRRR EXPRESS
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