LOS ANGELES, November 19, 2012 — The world continues to burn as America faces external and internal threats at an alarming clip. On the foreign policy front, Israel and the Palestinians are on the verge of all out war. Domestically, a staple of American life, Hostess, has just gone bankrupt and is now liquidating.
Unless someone steps in, there will be no more Twinkies or Wonder Bread. While it is unfair to equate unions to Jihadists, there is a self-destructive quality to those who feel they have nothing to lose, and would rather watch everything burn than see others have what they want. As long as everyone is blown to bits, nobody can have more than anybody else. Mass suicide at least imposes a kind of fairness.
The solution to these vexing problems is to take all of these conflagrations and just combine them.
In the Middle East, Radical Islamists have an inherent advantage. They are not bound by normal political constraints or the bounds of human decency, and they do not tolerate dissent. Islamists are united while Israel and the West are divided. Liberal Jews do not see the enemy as Palestinian terrorists; they believe the enemy is President George W. Bush and Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. These Kumbaya liberals suffer from a lack of moral clarity and emotional maturity.
War is hell. Nobody likes war. Yet sometimes war IS the answer. Wars end when one side is so thoroughly defeated that unconditional surrender is the only option. Then there can be real peace. Without Neocons doing the dirty work, liberals wouldn’t have a safe place on this earth to hide and drink their soy lattes.
In Israel proper and the Gaza Strip, the answer is to round up all the Palestinians, ship them off to Guantanamo Bay, and force them to do hard labor making Twinkies. Then we can take the Hostess bakers’ unions and ship them to Gaza where they can make rocket launchers. Now two problems are solved.
The reason Israelis have lost patience with Hamas is because, as with many unions, nobody knows what Palestinians actually want. Perhaps mutually assured destruction is the objective. Frustrated Israelis are shouting “Stop firing rockets. We don’t have any Twinkies. It’s not our fault. Blame the bakers. Jihad is not going to get you ho-hos faster!”
It’s not coincidental that war broke out as the Twinkie shortage began. It never occurred to people that the Palestinians might not be stark raving mad lunatics. They could be hypoglycemic. The “Twinkie Defense” acquitted an American killer; Palestinian defense attorneys should study the case.
To the greedy bakers’ union which caused the collapse of Hostess, the death of Twinkies, 18,500 jobs, and perhaps the war between Israel and the Palestinians, they need not worry. President Obama supposedly has thousands of shovel ready jobs waiting for them, in addition to plenty of green collar jobs.
Like the Hostess unions, Palestinian suicide bombers are terrible when it comes to public relations. Most of the world has proven that it does not mind murdered Jews. The problem is that the Palestinians fail to make their case why genocide can be positive.
If Palestinians want to blow themselves to kingdom come in a massive fireball, they need to be more environmentally friendly and fiscally responsible about it. They have to stop wasting money on anti-green rocket launchers. Instead, every Jihadist should receive tax credits as long as they purchase a Chevy Volt. It explodes into flames, while creating green jobs for people who need to keep rebuilding them. If Hamas understood commerce they would know that President Obama needs to move these things off the shelves. They do not just sell themselves like Twinkies! Terrorists may not like Judeo-Christian values, but Christmas is coming. Nothing says dreaming of a green Christmas like Chevy Volts roasting on an open fire.
If nothing else works, Israel needs to just go Hostess on the Palestinians. Blow the entire thing up and liquidate everything. Go Hostess or go home. Nobody wants this outcome, but for those on the left, a simple question should be asked.
Do you have a single solution that has ever worked?
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”
Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. Follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS
Eric Golub is an independent writer for the Communities. Read more from Eric at TYGRRRR EXPRESS
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