LOS ANGELES, November 16, 2012 ― Lost in the catfight between Jill Kelley and Paula Broadwell was the newly discovered recording of a meeting with dangerous national security implications. While General Petraeus was at this meeting, he did not speak. The high-level cabinet meeting was illegally videotaped, with ramifications that will be profound. Valerie Jarrett addressed the room a couple of days after General Petraeus resigned and agreed to testify on the Benghazi matter anyway. Jarrett was the only one to speak. Now the truth is coming out.
Good evening. I called this emergency cabinet meeting because my presidency is at risk. David Axelrod and I have done everything possible to shield the American people from the truth about White House spokesperson Barack Obama. Additionally, Axelrod and I kept the truth from all of you. It’s time you know what is going on so you can make contingency plans before the American people catch on.
With the Libya situation exploding and Israel on the verge of all out war with the Palestinians, the last thing we all need are inside problems. Yet Barack’s press conference was a disaster, and I’m amazed we’ve kept things hidden this long. The Obama experiment has developed a flaw, and we can’t fix it. Let me backtrack a few years.
In 1997, an IBM super-computer named Deep Blue defeated Garry Kasparove in chess. After that it became obvious that computers would replace human beings at every level of society. When the Clinton impeachment scandal broke a year later, top Democrats got together to create a long-term response.
Bill Clinton’s problem was his human frailty. The Democratic Party realized that we could govern perfectly if we had perfection in the White House. The solution was to make an actual computer with some human features as our nominee. We have been working on this project since then with IBM at their main laboratory in New York City. The top secret operation was referred to as the “other Manhattan Project.” The original prototype was Al Gore. The American people never figured out that he was made with titanium lugnuts, not blood and plasma.
You see, Al Gore did not invent the Internet. Al Gore is the internet. He is credited as one of the early investors in Google, but the truth is that he is Google. His inventor has been kept secret for national security reasons. Everything was going fine until just before the 2000 presidential debates. The human component failed, causing Mr. Gore to remain robotic enough to lose the election. We then tried again in 2004, but due to a glitch in the sound software, John Kerry came across as a Brahmin patrician.
In 2008, Barack Obama was taken out of the laboratory. All of the testing showed him to be harmless and inoffensive enough to get elected. Just to be safe, we rigged a financial crisis.
Unfortunately, now his parts are starting to malfunction. His voice recognition software has created what can best be described as a “Milli-Vanilli problem.”
As you may remember, Milli Vanilli had their Grammy taken away when it was revealed they were not real. This malfunction is causing Barack Obama to keep repeating the same words ad nauseum. He keeps saying “forward, fairness, balanced approach,” and a few other words and phrases ad infinitum that David and I taught him.
At some point very soon Americans are going to realize that replying “invest in education” and “green energy” to every single question does not make sense.
We managed to keep him away from the media for eight months, and Jay Carney did a fantastic job as my other spokesperson. We tried letting Barack speak, and you all saw what a disaster it was.
The reason David and I have spent the last four years wrecking alliances with our allies is so that if this situation went bad there would be zero extradition treaties. David and I will be taking Air Force One to an undisclosed third world nation. We will be taking Barack Obama with us to see if we can fix the problem.
There will be indictments coming down, so Vice President Joe Biden will be promoted to President to handle this. This will cause a decent delay because nobody will understand what he is saying. If the American people want a flawed human as President again, now they will have one. Hillary Clinton and Susan Rice will be sent out to obfuscate the media. Do not worry about perjury, since you have my word we will be sending a plane for all of you if anything should go wrong. Right now only essential personnel will be leaving, which means me, David, and computer Barack. I want to thank all of you for your service, and I will make sure you have plenty of security in case the people get angry and storm the capitol. You will be fine, since we know how to take care of our ambassadors and cabinet members.
We understand this will put all of you in a compromising position, but such is life. Now do not discuss any of this with the media under any circumstances until my plane takes off and is over international waters.
If the media actually learns how to ask questions, tell them this was all George W. Bush’s fault. If that fails, make an irrelevant comment about Sarah Palin. The media will all laugh and get distracted.
You may not be computers, but I appreciate your automaton loyalty. Oh, and don’t forget to feed and water Joe Biden.
The limo driver just arrived, so you are all on your own. Goodbye.
President Valerie Jarrett and David Axelrod have not been seen since. Meanwhile, confused and stunned cabinet members are not sure whether to blame Bush, blame a video, or blame it on the rain.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”
Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. Follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS
Eric Golub is an independent writer for the Communities. Read more from Eric at TYGRRRR EXPRESS
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