LOS ANGELES, May 5, 2012 — Ole and Shalom, y’all!
This means many people will be celebrating with cultural traditional music, excessive alcohol consumption, and very large hats.
Whether it is “Adon Olam,” “My Old Kentucky Home,” or Spanish music I do not understand but still appreciate, the sounds will be joyous. Personally, the Derby should use “Blue Moon of Kentucky,” as done by Boomhauer from “King of the Hill.”
Whether it be Manischevitz, Mint Juleps, or Jose Cuervo, the suds will flow.
Kentucky women will don bright hats to block out the sun. Orthodox Jewish men will wear black hats, as they resemble a cross between the Amish and ZZ Top. The Mexicans will combine the two with multi-colored festive hats that mesh well with everything. Whether a fedora, a sombrero, or a fashion hat, the headwear will be plentiful.
The day actually starts at around Midnight the previous night. David Letterman kicks things off with his annual Kentucky Derby Friday show. Every year he has the announcer of the race on his show over the phone. For several minutes they chant “and down the stretch they come!” Letterman works it into the entire show, often confusing his guests.
It could be fun to work the famous Derby saying into the other rituals. Some Cinco De Mayo festivities involve activities like sack races. While there is nothing inherently Mexican about potatoes or sack races, it would be fun to yell “and down the stretch they come!” at the finish line.
In the Jewish community, driving automobiles is forbidden on the Sabbath. The walk from the Synagogue to the house for lunch is often an arduous one. Yet after three hours of prayer, the walkers pick up the pace to get home to eat.
Here come the Jewish power walkers and the Mexican kids in potato sacks…”and down the stretch they come!”
Since people can be Mexican and Jewish, nothing prevents one of those children (called Mestizos) from hopping home in a potato sack to eat potatoes. However, wearing the sack to Synagogue would not go over well.
As if this is not enough, there will also be the basketball and hockey playoffs. The NHL requires helmets, but the NBA will be committing heresy by going hatless on this day.
One serious moment will take place on this day, and there is no room for joking about it. At 5:55pm PST, a moment of silence will be observed for fallen San Diego Chargers hero Junior Seau.
For many, it will be a day of merriment. For others, there will be an strange juxtaposition. One person not thought of well by many celebrating Cinco De Mayo is Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio. Sheriff Joe will be holding a political rally in California.
Picture what would happen if border security were turned into a sport. Random people would be running after other random people yelling “and down the stretch they come.” Such mayhem caused Cheech Marin to be accidentally deported in the movie “Born in East LA.”
This day is dedicated to my friend Elana. Cinco De Mayo is her birthday. She is a Republican Jewish brunette. So in honor of her birthday and the Kentucky Derby, I will quote her Charlie Sheen’s immortal words from the movie “Hot Shots.”
“When I saw you dig your heels into his sides, tighten up the reigns and break his spirit, I never wanted to be a horse so much in my life.”
As for which horse to bet on, it depends which culture takes precedence.
The Cinco de Mayo selection would be El Padrino, which may be Spanish for “The Padrino.”
The Orthodox Jewish choice would most likely be “Rousing Sermon.”
Yet at some point it is time to get down to the action. That means the horse “Done Talking” should win. Getting down to action if one is with a Republican Jewish brunette involves KY jelly. KY is the symbol for Kentucky. Done Talking it is.
This concludes coverage of the Kentucky Derby Cinco De Mayo Jewish Sabbath.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian.
Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.” Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. After years of dating liberals, he has finally seen the light and now only dates Republican Jewish women. His family is pleased over this. Republican, Jewish women, you may contact Eric above.
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Eric Golub is an independent writer for the Communities. Read more from Eric at his TYGRRRR EXPRESS blog.
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