GREENSBORO, NC, June 1, 2012 – In a stunning development that shocked people who are oblivious to everything, a North Carolina jury found former Senator, Vice Presidential, and Presidential candidate John Edwards guilty of being wealthy, liberal, and handsome.
“We the jury agree that defendant John Edwards is fabulously wealthy, refreshingly progressive, and ridiculously handsome. His drawl is much sexier than Bill Clinton’s, and his rugged good looks are better than Ted Kennedy was when he faced law enforcement issues. We recommend that Mr. Edwards be forced to confront his misdeeds with a huge party at his 28 bedroom mansion with the air-conditioning turned up full blast.”
Mr. Edwards was accused of paying a mistress hush money to cover up a love child conceived while his late wife Elizabeth Edwards was dying of cancer. Mr. Edwards talked on the campaign trail about seeing “two Americas,” with unequal justice for the rich and poor.
Mr. Edwards was relieved that his attempts to equalize justice failed, allowing him to receive special treatment while on trial himself.
Mr. Edwards joins a long line of liberal Democrats who will never be held accountable for their behavior. Being wealthy, attractive, and most importantly, leftist, has its benefits. Once MF Global titan Jon Corzine received a free ride for alleged criminal behavior, Mr. Edwards knew he was in the clear. After all, Mr. Edwards is significantly better looking than Mr. Corzine. Mr. Edwards also has a better accent.
Mr. Edwards has made his financial fortune charming juries, and managed to seduce at least one juror with his devilish smile.
Now that Mr. Edwards is a free man, there are several career options for him. He is perfectly qualified to become Chairman of the North Carolina Democratic Party. A sexual harassment scandal has devastated the NCDP, since the accused individuals do not share the rugged good looks of Mr. Edwards.
Another option for Mr. Edwards is to force himself on the 2012 Democratic ticket as the Vice Presidential nominee as he did in 2004. Democrats pretending to find him objectionable may have forgotten that they all swooned over him as the hottest progressive hope since John F. Kennedy.
If Mr. Edwards decides not to resume his political career, there are plenty of juries willing to gaze upon his lovely eyes while swooning over his drawl. There are plenty of corporations he has yet to fleece in the name of junk science.
The least likely scenario is that Mr. Edwards will be seen as publicly toxic. That would leave him with the option of making millions of dollars on the public speaking circuit. Liberals are not interested in those who discover Jesus, but if Mr. Edwards can feign a passion for environmentalism, he can be a younger, hipper, hotter Al Gore.
So do not cry for John Edwards. He will not be reduced to a desk job at MSNBC or their hideous cousin Current TV. He will be just fine.
He is the perfect representative for modern liberalism. He says all the right things, does all the wrong things, and no longer has to wear a wedding ring. He avoided prison, and will somehow be forced to survive in his mansion. A movie about his rise, fall, and rise again cannot be far behind.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian.
Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.” Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. After years of dating liberals, he has finally seen the light and now only dates Republican Jewish women. His family is pleased over this. Republican, Jewish women, you may contact Eric above.
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Eric Golub is an independent writer for the Communities. Read more from Eric at his TYGRRRR EXPRESS blog.
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