LOS ANGELES, May 15, 2012 — As part of C-Span’s ongoing “Road to the White House” coverage of the 2012 election, our camera crew caught up with former Texas Congressman Ron Paul. Actually, what really happened is his supporters caught up with us and refused to leave us alone until we covered him again. They started chanting “End the Fed” and tried to smoke marijuana joints made out of nearby garbage on the street. Some of them began chanting “Occupy C-Span” until they realized how little that was worth. After 45 minutes of listening to them talk to our stage hands about Zionist created Diebold voting machines and Federal Reserve conspiracies involving Freemasons, one thing became clear: These people are definitely boring enough to merit coverage on our network. Therefore, out of a combination of fear and astonishment, we are covering Dr. Paul for one final time.
Thank you all for coming, even if you had to be coerced into staying. As you know, I am Congressman Ron Paul. I have been running for President for a quarter of a century with little to show for it. However, my vote totals have grown at such an exponential rate that I should win in 2060.
This campaign began with a clear strategy. We would mobilize an army of college students, get them stoned, and then unleash them on the rest of society. In the short-term, this worked. Yet somewhere along the line, the other 90% of Americans failed to see that I am the only champion of freedom and liberty.
Given the stubborn refusal of voters to make educated and informed choices, the only solution was to verbally browbeat them into submission. We are right, they are wrong, and supporters of my movement will yell and scream until the opposition begs us to stop.
Other candidates who went up against Mitt Romney have graciously dropped out and rallied behind him in an effort to defeat President Barack Obama. I will not be joining them. The truth is, my cause is so righteous that I have decided to invalidate the primary election results in the name of liberty. Tolerance requires that anybody voting for other candidates be treated in an abusive manner. The ends justify the means. My message matters, so any bad behavior by my supporters must be whitewashed away in the name of a greater good.
Since the people don’t get it, the only solution is to go around them. From now on, voters should not decide the election. Other criteria will be used.
The delegate strategy looked good except that Governor Romney still has more of them. It is time to invoke the internet strategy.
I have instructed my supporters to flood the internet with praise of me. The more “likes” on Facebook and internet message boards, the higher the support.
Since people seem to disagree with some of my policies, policy discussions will no longer take place. The other candidates and their supporters will be called unpatriotic, treasonous, establishment liars who hate liberty, America, and the Constitution.
While many of my supporters are anti-war protesters, it is imperative that they wage war on anything and everything that disagrees with me.
So am I dropping out of the presidential race today? Actually, I am not sure and neither is anybody else. Mixed messages make for greater havoc, so here is my muddled message of the day.
I am dropping out but still going forward. I will not be competing in any areas where actual voters decide the nominee. I will continue to take advantage of arcane procedural rules and exploit them so that a few thousand fringe activists can seize the entire GOP apparatus. This is legal, and it is the fault of the other campaigns for having supporters mostly over the age of 22 who have jobs and responsibilities. As for the nursing home seniors even older than I am, if you are unable to get out of your wheelchairs, throw down your walkers, and fly to conventions, it is your tough luck that you get outvoted by teenagers who can run, talk, and social network faster.
Although I ran as a Republican, I am actually not one. I used the GOP to get my own views ahead. So once Mitt Romney has his convention, my supporters will actively work to sabotage him. If he loses, we will take the credit and then work to get me elected in 2016 and my son Rand elected in 2024.
We will use insurgent guerrilla tactics while attacking anybody who declares us to be out of the mainstream. We want the freedom to blow up the system as revolutionary outsiders while commanding the respect of the establishment insiders we are trying to destroy.
Although we could never govern in a Republic because most of the people hate our guts, we reserve the right to resort to violence in the name of liberty and tolerance to spread our message.
So on this day, at this time, I am officially refusing to continue trying to be a presidential candidate while having my supporters engage in candidate-style behavior because none of us know any better. By the time we are done we will have alienated virtually everybody, which we will take as proof that they are afraid of us and that our message is succeeding.
Now that I have dropped out, I have to get back to campaigning. It gives me something to do while working on improving my game of Mahjong. Now all of you get off my lawn or I will chase you with this rolled up newspaper. I have to change out of my bathrobe and put on my new Bernanke Pants. They are like regular pants except they inflate after a big meal to hide the damage of overindulging.
This concludes C-Span’s coverage of Ron Paul’s announcement about something. For coverage even more useless, we will be following his 434 House colleagues as they all say something to somebody who cares somewhere. As with everything else, we apologize for the tediousness of this broadcast.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian.
Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.” Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. After years of dating liberals, he has finally seen the light and now only dates Republican Jewish women. His family is pleased over this. Republican, Jewish women, you may contact Eric above.
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Eric Golub is an independent writer for the Communities. Read more from Eric at his TYGRRRR EXPRESS blog.
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