LOS ANGELES, March 13, 2012—March Madness is upon us, and with that come my predictions. Take all your chips, and move them away from the table. Bet as little as possible.
I know absolutely nothing about college basketball. I care even less. To me the SEC is the Securities and Exchange Commission. It would be nice if the world never had to hear Dick Vitale say the word “baby” ever again. Vitale resembles the profile of every third criminal on “Law and Order: Special Victims Unit.” Then again, the show does have an anti-bald white guy bias.
Schools should be banned from the tournament unless the name of the school tells people where the school is located. Even people who went to public school know where the Universities of North Carolina and Kentucky are located. Texas Tech should have made the tournament for this reason, but there seems to be some anti-technical college bigotry as not a single “Tech” made the tournament. Then again, people don’t go to technical colleges for their athletics programs to begin with.
Nobody knows what the heck a Creighton is. Identifying a cretin is easier, but insulting Barack Obama is not what this column is about. Who are these Lamar and Xavier fellows, and how did they get schools named after them? Xavier might be a fictional word. Olivia Newton-John starred in that movie (or was that Xanadu).
Belmont is where they race horses. Some would suggest giving Duke an exemption, but this cannot happen. They claim to have high academic standards, yet the head coach cannot even pronounce his own surname. How people get a “K” out of “Sha-shev-sky” is beyond me, although public schools might explain it.
Anyway, on to the tournament itself.
The brackets get ripped up by frustrated office gamblers after the first day. I usually bet on the favorite every year, and receive very little praise for choosing the obvious pick. So this year it is time to go bold.
Neither Brooklyn College or the Florida Atlantic University Owls made the NCAA Tournament. Therefore, LIU Brooklyn will win it all (Stony Brook and Hofstra would have violated the location identity rule anyway). They just defeated Robert Morris, a Hollywood talent agency.
As usual, talent agencies are overrated. While some will call their team name “Blackbirds” racist, this makes them the choice of people tired of political correctness.
So why do they use the acronym “LIU” instead of just saying Long Island University? Because nobody admits to being from Long Island. Brooklyn is cool. Long Island is…well, something.
For those who have never been to Long Island, save your money. There is no reason to go whatsoever. I was raised there for 18 long years, and to understand my area would be to understand the “20 minute rule.” If you started from my home, and drove 20 minutes in any direction, there was…something.
We were 20 minutes from Stony Brook, 20 minutes from the Smithhaven Mall, and 20 minutes from Port Jefferson. We had to drive to Brooklyn to find “stuff.”
So these will be an angry group of Blackbirds with a chip on their shoulder come game time. On the one hand they will be thrilled to briefly be out of Long Island. Knowing that they have to return when they lose will make them win as many games as possible to extend their vacation away from nowhereville.
Sure, some people favor Kentucky and North Carolina, but those areas are famous for tobacco. Therefore, leftist, anti-smoking zealots should root against them. People can’t root against LIU Brooklyn. It is like bombing Afghanistan. There is nothing there but despair. At least Detroit gets attention for being a failed city. Long Island can’t even get media attention.
Not everybody on Long Island is an elitist snob hanging out in the Hamptons. Most people there are just middle-class workers trying to survive under sky high property taxes. Long Islanders are everymen.
Out of the 68 teams, LIU Brooklyn is ranked #63. Yet when breaking things down into brackets, they jump all the way into the top 20 as an insanely high #16 seed. All they have to do is beat a bunch of Spartans from Michigan State and they are on their way. The Blackbirds can just peck their eyes out. Then the Spartans will be too blind to shoot baskets. Then the Blackbirds are off to the races to the finals against this Lamar guy, assuming he can singlehandedly take down North Carolina. For those who doubt an entire entity could be beaten by one person in battle, Libya once lost a war to a guy named Chad.
LIU Brooklyn is exactly what people thought they were. So to quote Dennis Green, I say we “crown their @ss” right now and just skip the whole tournament.
After all, playing these games forestalls the inevitable, and subjects America to Dick Vitale. Nobody deserves that.
For those who disagree with me and insist in hating on Brooklyn, go make your own incorrect predictions here.
For those who pretend to care about women’s basketball, Tennessee and Connecticut win every year. Go with Tennessee in the women’s tournament because Pat Summitt is awesome.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian.
Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.” Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. After years of dating liberals, he has finally seen the light and now only dates Republican Jewish women. His family is pleased over this. Republican, Jewish women, you may contact Eric above.
Follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS
Eric Golub is an independent writer for the Communities. Read more from Eric at his TYGRRRR EXPRESS blog.
This article is the copyrighted property of the writer and Communities @ WashingtonTimes.com. Written permission must be obtained before reprint in online or print media. REPRINTING TWTC CONTENT WITHOUT PERMISSION AND/OR PAYMENT IS THEFT AND PUNISHABLE BY LAW.