LOS ANGELES, March 1, 2012—A stereotype differentiating liberals and conservatives is that liberals care about feelings and intentions while conservatives are all about results.
Stereotypes do not exist in a vacuum, and nowhere is the chasm between intentions and results greater than in the area of the green economy.
President Obama has taken money from taxpayers and thrown it down a sewer full of rats in his quest for a clean, green economy. The fact that Solyndra failed is lost on him because in his world, failure is actually success. “We tried” is the new “Yes, we can.”
Getting off of oil is so important to him that any attempt at alternative energy is a success. This would be fantastic, if not for one small problem: Alternative energy is a fraud. It does not work. If alternative energy were possible, liberal elitists would power their large-carbon footprint mansions and pool heaters with wind power.
They would make a commitment to drive hideously ugly cars such as the Prius and the Volt.
Celebrities would only fly private jets that run on vegetable oil.
So what is a forlorn president supposed to do? After all, this is one conundrum that cannot be blamed on George W. Bush, the guy who was supposedly anti-science and anti-research.
That is too beautiful a narrative for liberals to ruin over something as triflingly silly as solar panels.
President Obama must take action now in the only way he knows how. He has to bribe the American public. This cannot be ordinary bribery that one would find, say, in Chicago. He knows that what he is selling is so wretched that he can barely give it away.
Therefore, to quote the Red Hot Chili Peppers, he must “give it away now.”
Herbert Hoover promised a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage.
Barack Obama should simply give every American a Chevy Volt. Provide a $50,000 tax credit for anyone who purchases the car. If the car only costs $37,500, then the owner keeps the remaining $12,500.
Since the government technically paid for the car, the government would have the right to repossess it at any time. This would create hundreds of green collar jobs for nationwide government repo-men.
The same can be tried with solar panels. People stopped installing solar panels when the government removed the credit. The credit should be restored and increased to 100% of the entire house value. Homeowners would get their solar panels in exchange for the government technically owning their homes. The government could then foreclose whenever it wanted.
The best part is that this is all free. None of the money comes from hard-working Americans. It comes from taxes, which magically appear out of thin air.
The key issue is the inefficiency of the oil markets. Too many Americans are misusing oil. This is where Barack Obama can do what he does best, which is reward friends and punish enemies. He should ban petroleum products outright.
Since a nationwide oil ban would hurt some of his supporters (the few who actually work, and therefore need oil), he should start with those who will not vote for him anyway. Who is the biggest abuser of oil?
That’s right, those Republican rednecks are the real problem. They drive around for hours at dangerously high speeds and never actually get to where they are going. They burn tons of fuel. It has gotten to the point where people think these drivers are just doing this for sport.
From now on, all NASCAR vehicles should either be wind or solar powered. Exemptions would be made for NASCAR drivers who drive Chevy Volts.
We must continue to destroy the financial incentives facing the oil industry. Oil profits are rising because of greedy Wall Street speculators. When the price of oil drops, somehow speculators are not considered a factor, but this is complex economics. Octegenarians in wheelchairs receiving quarterly dividend checks from their mutual funds containing oil stocks are obviously the problem.
Therefore, the government should make it illegal to invest in oil companies.
Everyone in government knows that green energy is a success, and that the real problem is the moral failure of Americans to know this. For their own good, all oil investments should immediately be transferred into socially responsible green companies such as Solyndra.
If the investors lose everything, they can be reimbursed for all of their losses. After all, taxpayers who refuse to invest willingly in green energy are selfish individuals. They must pay their “fair share” to subsidize those already being subsidized.
One final step is for President Obama to lead by example. He should give up Air Force One and only fly airplanes that run on alternative energy. His young staffers should give up their keyboards, which are petro-based. If every liberal who voted for Obama gave up oil, there would be enough oil left for the rest of us.
As a gesture of goodwill, Barack Obama should also apply forced equality to the 2012 campaign. It is unfair that he will have more money than his Republican challenger. Therefore, any excess should be taxed from him and redistributed to poorer presidential opponents.
This would be done in the interest of fairness.
Barack Obama will not take any of the revolutionary steps outlined here to create a green economy. Perhaps he is afraid that none of these suggestions would work. One could make the argument that he should be willing to try even though he knows failure is inevitable.
After all, that is what his entire presidency is based on. That is the fraudulent green economy.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian.
Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.” Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. After years of dating liberals, he has finally seen the light and now only dates Republican Jewish women. His family is pleased over this. Republican, Jewish women, you may contact Eric above.
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Eric Golub is an independent writer for the Communities. Read more from Eric at his TYGRRRR EXPRESS blog.
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