LOS ANGELES, June 30, 2012 — As part of C-Span’s “Road to the White House” series, we covered President Obama’s most recent press conference since the Supreme Court’s decision on the Affordable Care Act. President Obama has given 26 speeches since the decision was handed down 72 hours ago. Ratings for C-Span have never been higher, although part of that is from frustrated sports viewers who know that the Tour De France is even more boring than we are. So rather than watch something silly like men having a bike ride, here we present you President Obama explaining why a tax is not really a tax.
Good afternoon. As you all know, the non-partisan Supreme Court upheld my signature piece of legislation, the Affordable Care Act. It was the right thing to do, and Justice John Roberts knows this as well. I have instructed SEIU representatives to help his family find their pets, who went missing a few days ago. With hard work from all of us, we can return them safe and sound.
Now as you all know, I headed the Harvard Law Review. Most people do not realize the significance of this, but this is not about me, even though I did head the Harvard Law Review. What this is about is the American people being told that the healthcare mandate constitutes a tax.
Although it is a penalty and not a tax, reasonable minds disagree. However, there is nothing reasonable about the Republicans who insist on calling a tax a tax.
The good news is that the days of gridlock are over. I have crafted a compromise that should satisfy everybody who cares about this country and disappoint only those who don’t. From now on, the penalty assessed will no longer be referred to as a fee, penalty, or a tax. It is now and forever known as a garbleschnizzle. This stems from the latin word “garble,” involving undecipherable language, and “schnizzle,” which derives its roots from the German word “schnitzel.” As you know, politics is sausage making.
I consulted with various celebrities from some of my most recent fundraisers. Rapper Snoop Dogg heard the idea and exclaimed, “Foshizzle garbleschnizzle,” and we decided to go ahead with it. Now this term is not to be confused with other words such as garbleschazzle and garbleschnuzzle. Those are separate terms we will be applying to other pieces of legislation as we see fit. We then ran the idea by Bill Cosby, who replied, “Schizemflop, flazzmajazz.” We tried to get Reverend Jesse Jackson to make it rhyme, but he was incomprehensible to us all.
Before making this executive decision, I instructed Vice President Biden to reread his Dr. Seuss books to make sure that the term was not already being used. We also consulted with comedian Rich Hall and instructed him to come up with some new “Sniglets” in case we run out of multi-syllabic words.
This will help the healing begin, since House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi and Attorney General Eric Holder have discovered that in some communities, referring to this as a tax might be racially and culturally insensitive.
Lastly, I want to address those who criticize the selling of “BFD” t-shirts in celebration of this momentous ruling agreeing with me. BFD stands for “Big Falliptigon Deal.” As you know, Falliptigons are the offspring of Deceptagons and Velociraptors, just less well known.
Now let me leave you with slogans meant to end the discussion, since this subject bothers me from a reelection standpoint. The time for talk is over. In fact, the time for talk about anything is over. We had our debate. I won. We must move forward, onward, upward, and even to the Ninth Ward.
Thank you, and to those Republicans who stand in the way of making progress for the American people, I think I speak for Joe Biden and everybody else when I say go Falliptigon yourself. New t-shirts with “GFY” will be on sale later this week.
This concludes C-Span’s Road to the White House Coverage. We were thinking of adding Don Pardo to exclaim, “Live from New York, it’s C-Span,” but that idea did not pan out. Next up we will have coverage of President Obama reading to schoolchildren from a newly discovered Dr. Seuss knockoff book entitled “President Obama and the Affordable Care Act.” Until next time, lavorkivus, presidentalanus.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian.
Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.” Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. After years of dating liberals, he has finally seen the light and now only dates Republican Jewish women. His family is pleased over this. Republican, Jewish women, you may contact Eric above.
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Eric Golub is an independent writer for the Communities. Read more from Eric at his TYGRRRR EXPRESS blog.
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