LOS ANGELES, June 25, 2012 – MNSBC’s Andrea Mitchell recently became embroiled in a case involving selective editing of video footage of Mitt Romney discussing “WaWas”. As The Fix’s Chris Cillizza guffawed, Ms. Mitchell offered her special brand of spiteful reporting.
While most networks would consider this to be unethical, at NBC News the solution is to double down as MSNBC personalities Chris Matthews, Bill O’Reilly, Rachel Maddow, and Greta Van Susteren began to compete to see who could best creatively manipulate the news.
Here are their (fictional) spins on today’s most important issues. The responses were aired on other networks but not MSNBC.
“Hello America. I’m Andrea Mitchell. Fast and Furious: Is it Mitt Romney’s Fault?
While Republicans try to lynch Eric Holder, rumors are surfacing that some of the documents being held by the Attorney General implicate Mitt Romney.
The original precursor to Fast and Furious occurred during the Reagan Administration. It was called Iran-Contra. Arms were traded for hostages. Some of those arms ended up in the Romney household. Below is some grainy footage of Mitt and Ann Romney turning guns and firehoses on unsuspecting black children.
Did Mr. and Mrs. Romney turn guns and fire hoses on black children? If so, it would appear the Republican Party has much improving to do.”
“Welcome to Fox News, I’m Sean Hannity. Governor Romney and his wife were accused of turning guns and fire hoses on black children. A spokesperson for the Romney family said that the guns were toy water guns. Ann Romney was holding a Super-Soaker 3000. It was a hot summer day in August, and the Romney family was having a waterfight on the lawn.
The water guns and the garden hoses were used by everybody, and nobody was hurt. The neighborhood kids joined in. Some of these children were black. Far from being scarred for life, all of the children were on record as saying that they had fun, and that the pink lemonade Mrs. Romney made for them afterward was delicious.”
Continuing the spin….
“Welcome to MNSBC, I’m Chris Matthews, and this is Hardball. Did Mitt and Ann Romney cover up the Jerry Sandusky crimes? Are the Romney’s child molesters?
As you all know, former Penn State football coach Jerry Sandusky was convicted on 45 of 48 counts of child molestation. Yet is he the only one? Jerry Sandusky is a white male who earns an income that puts him in the top 1%. So is Mitt Romney.
Here is a video of Governor Romney playing football and touching several children inappropriately.
Were some of the children black? The video is hard to tell, but if they were, it is proof of racism. If the children were all white, then black children were forbidden from playing.
Either way, this is clearly evidence of racism in addition to predatory practices toward children.”
Spinning like a shiny metallic pinwheel….
“Welcome to Fox News. I’m Bill O’Reilly, and you’re watching the O’Reilly Factor. The Romneys have recently been accused of child molestation based on this video. A Romney family spokesperson said that the family did play touch football. After big plays such as touchdowns and interceptions, Governor Romney patted his kids on the back to congratulate them on playing well.
The neighborhood children played, and some of those children were black. One of the kids said that his hand did briefly meet up with Governor Romney’s hand in a maneuver that causes a mild stinging sensation. The kid had just scored the winning touchdown, and Governor Romney gave the kid what is known as a ‘high-five.”
Now creating enough wind power to qualify for green energy awards….
“Welcome to MSNBC, I’m Rachel Maddow. Today we are asking the question that is being asked all across America. Why are all of the Romney children white?
This video of a family gathering shows that not only are all of the Romney kids white, but that they are also all male and all Mormon. They are also all heterosexual.
Why did Mitt and Ann Romney not have any black, Jewish, or gay children? Are they racist, bigoted, sexist, homophobes? Michele and Marcus Bachmann had minority children. So did John and Cindy McCain? What could possibly explain the lack of diversity in the Romney household?
Is the GOP reverting to their 1950s country club mentality where non-whites need not apply? Barack and Michelle Obama have black female children. Why doesn’t Governor Romney? Are the Romneys racist for this?”
Spinning across the floor like a child’s wooden top….
“Welcome to Fox News. I’m Greta Van Susteren. Rather than rely on a spokesperson, we have Governor Mitt Romney in the studio tonight.
Governor Romney, what do you say to the critics who accuse your family of being an exclusive all-white club?”
And the screeching stop….
“Greta, I try not to curse, but have the liberals at MSNBC lost their darn minds? Some of the Bachmann children were foster children. The McCains adopted a black child, and she is a sweet girl. Anne and I only have natural children.
We are both Caucasian. Biologically, it was impossible for out children to be non-white since we have been faithful to each other throughout our marriage. The Obamas have lovely girls who happen to be black.
Our family just does not have the pigmentation to do that. We just lack the sufficient melanin content.
Our children have our DNA, and our chromosomes. They happen to have all been born males and stayed that way. They practice the same religious faith that we do. Additionally, they all decided to get married to people of the opposite gender. 90% of the population consists of heterosexual people, and my children happen to be among the 90%.
Just because they are white, male, heterosexuals does not mean they should be unloved. We love them as if they were our very own, because frankly they are.
This election should be about Barack Obama’s failed leadership. Instead we get nonsensical stories about dogs and schoolyard events from four decades ago.
This is why nobody watches MSNBC. Americans are tired of the lies and the fake footage. I would never break bread with MSNBC executives at WaWa, because WaWa deserves better than them.”
MSNBC executives were not available for comment, although some of them did say they planned to commit suicide if President Obama is defeated in November. Fox News executives responded by saying that based on the ratings and quality of the programming, MSNBC committed suicide years ago.
This concludes fake coverage of fake footage. For those wanting to see more extensive real coverage of fake footage, tune in nightly to MSNBC.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian.
Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.” Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. After years of dating liberals, he has finally seen the light and now only dates Republican Jewish women. His family is pleased over this. Republican, Jewish women, you may contact Eric above.
Follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS
Eric Golub is an independent writer for the Communities. Read more from Eric at his TYGRRRR EXPRESS blog.
This article is the copyrighted property of the writer and Communities @ WashingtonTimes.com. Written permission must be obtained before reprint in online or print media. REPRINTING TWTC CONTENT WITHOUT PERMISSION AND/OR PAYMENT IS THEFT AND PUNISHABLE BY LAW.