LOS ANGELES, June 20, 2012 — Nothing is too tedious for C-Span’s “Road to the White House” coverage. President Obama put us to the test, but we cover him out of fear of having our funding pulled. Since our jobs are even cushier than those at the GSA, we will cover his every movement, no matter how inconsequential. Today he spoke about the situation in Europe, although we stopped listening and cannot be sure that was the topic.
“Good afternoon. As many of you know, I inherited the worst mess in the history of civilization. Since most of you no longer accept how awful my predecessor was, it is time to take a couple of different tacks. Bad news will be announced as good news.
I have created more than four million jobs. The source of that statistic is me. Everybody cooks the books and makes the numbers dance, so that number should be taken at face value.
For those refusing to understand this, it is necessary to find a new target to blame. While many people feel that the main threats to domestic economic growth are my anti-growth policies, none of my advisors accept this explanation. Therefore, everything is Europe’s fault. My focus groups tell me that even Republicans like blaming Europe for stuff.
My growth strategy involves lots of multi-syllabic buzzwords that sound important. These include structural reforms, a more integrated banking infrastructure, and increased banking supervision. That last one is code for more growth-killing regulations.
We have to reduce imbalances in the Euro area. That is a fancy way of saying that Europeans should spread the wealth around amongst themselves. It is a sad day when even European Socialists refuse to share.
The next thing we need to do is overstate the obvious with empty platitudes that nobody could possibly disagree with. We should create jobs in the short term and put our fiscal house in order in the long term.
Now I will deign to take questions. Shorter answers will allow more of you to ask questions, so I will keep my answers as lengthy as possible. This is the football equivalent of running out the clock.”
Ben Fellow, AP: “Assuming Europe fails as expected, will you be fired?”
“Ben, let me start out with some big words that sound cool simply because I said them. I will start in alphabetical order. Aardvark. Albatross. Avuncular. I’m not sure what that one means but we can all agree I sound important when saying it in a serious voice.
(Several minutes later)
I say proper nouns should be allowed since the letter Z is a tough one. ZZ Top. Zzzzzz. That is slang for falling asleep.
Oh, regarding your question, that’s not my biggest concern. I would say that this is not about me, but every time I say that, people are convinced that I think it is about me. Are we out of time? No? Okay, next question.”
Jeff, Mason, Reuters: “Sir, regarding Syria, are you actually doing anything? Isn’t Russia simply defying you?”
“Jeff, let me begin with some statements that are completely true and utterly useless. The violence is completely out of hand. Mr. Assad has lost legitimacy. So the fact is there is remarkable agreement on the problem. Everything except a workable solution is totally agreed upon.
On Syria, there is no alignment. In other words, the Russians and Chinese have basically told me to go sit down and be quiet.
They do recognize the grave dangers. I just don’t want to hurt their feelings by pointing out that they don’t care.
In an attempt to continue our reset with Russia, it is necessary to give Vladimir Putin a free pass for everything he does. So let me placate him by saying that in Russia they do not condone the massacres.”
Juliana Gold, from some paper somewhere: “Governor Mitt Romney thinks you know nothing economically, and won’t Europe keep being screwups?”
“Juliana, you would have to talk to Mr. Romney about his advisers. Political differences should end at the water’s edge. That was not the case with my predecessor, but he was not me. Regarding this and every other issue, I don’t want to sound Pollyannish here. So even though I am, reporting that will get you blacklisted from my next press conference in about an hour.
Since you are not asking the correct questions that I handed out earlier, let me just conclude with complimentary remarks about Europe that even they know are ludicrous. Europe contains advanced economies and extraordinarily productive people. The fact that French workers do even less than American public sector workers is unfair and untrue, even if it is fair and true.
Now the election is coming up. Vote for me. Vote early and vote often. Thank you for not asking questions about Eric Holder. Also, do not ask him questions about me either.”
C-Span then covered the rebuttal to President Obama’s remarks. Bill O’Reilly called Mr. Obama’s remarks the most boring press conference he has seen in 37 years of covering the news. He obviously does not watch C-Span. Since President Obama seems to know very little, balanced programming requires bringing on somebody with an intensely strong grasp of the real world. Dr. Charles Krauthammer offered his opinions. Like many of you, we just sit back and admire his aura of brilliance.
“Had I been in the studio with Bill O’Reilly, I would have hosed him down with a Valium spray. The Obama remarks were the dullest conference since the invention of radio.
Regarding Syria, President Obama said he was confident that the Russians do not condone the massacres. The Russians are providing the munitions that are being used to conduct the massacres.
When he said that the Russians have not signed on, that was an understatement. They are directly opposing him.
As for the subtlety of the gibberish on Europe, he had no other choice. He had nothing to say or to offer. He speaks so weakly that nobody cares what he says.”
This concludes C-Spans “Road to the White House” coverage. While Dr. Krauthammer is right when he says that nobody cares what President Obama has to say, we are tied to our miserable lives at this network. For the fortieth straight year, we lost out on the right to cover sporting events and other things people actually care about to ESPN.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian.
Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.” Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. After years of dating liberals, he has finally seen the light and now only dates Republican Jewish women. His family is pleased over this. Republican, Jewish women, you may contact Eric above.
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Eric Golub is an independent writer for the Communities. Read more from Eric at his TYGRRRR EXPRESS blog.
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