LOS ANGELES, July 5, 2012 — Some stories are so serious and important that they deserve to be discussed in the aftermath of a holiday just to make sure nobody pays attention.
Anderson Cooper announced that he was gay. While the world shrugged, some of us decided to offer meaningless commentary on a meaningless story.
Inspired by the Kevin Kline Movie “In and out,” the media should follow Mr. Cooper around in the same way that Tom Selleck did. After all, the world has completely changed, with the exception of virtually everything that remains unchanged.
With that, here is a collection of random responses to the news so stunning that somebody, somewhere was affected.
“CNN’s Anderson Cooper announced today that he is gay, which leads people to ask a very serious question. What is CNN?”
“CNN Update: Anderson Cooper is still gay, Americans are still indifferent, and CNN is still boring.”
“If Anderson Cooper wanted to keep his sexuality a secret, he should have just made the announcement on CNN where nobody would have heard or seen it.”
“Upon hearing that Anderson Cooper is gay, men everywhere began a prayer vigil to hope that Erin Burnett is straight.”
“CNN executives are furious with Anderson Cooper for publicly coming out in July and announcing that he is gay. Everybody knows those announcements should come out in May or August during sweeps week. He just cost them a ton of advertising revenue.”
“Anderson Cooper is richer than me, taller than me, and drives a nicer car than me. When he announced he was gay, I was happy for him and for me. Now there is one less competitor for Kiran Chetry.”
“After Anderson Cooper announced he was gay, Senator John Kerry held a press conference to announce that he served in Vietnam.”
“Scientists have been trying to link human sexuality to food intake. Rumors had Anderson Cooper eating a pastrami sandwich the day before he made his announcement and the day after. So far the study is inconclusive.”
“When told that Anderson Cooper is gay, Chevy Chase responded that Francisco Franco is still dead.”
“President Obama is carefully observing if Anderson Cooper’s announcement of being gay helps CNN in the ratings. If it does, the election 2012 October Surprise will involve a surprise announcement from Vice President Joe Biden.”
Anderson Cooper is the grandson of Reginald Claypoole Vanderbilt and Gloria Vanderbilt. That is why he is such a man of the people.
“The New York Times referred to Anderson Cooper as “the most prominent openly gay journalist on American television.” After that announcement, the New York Times received death threats from somebody resembling MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow. The Times issued a correction explaining that Mr. Cooper was the most prominent gay journalist if one only counts those who are attractive, competent, and sane. Ms. Maddow is still the most prominent hysterical, angry, lesbian never to have hosted “The View.””
“Despite Anderson Cooper coming forward, no reporters in Saudi Arabia, Syria, and Iran have been willing to come out of the closet. CNN is investigating the reasons for this. Christiane Amanpour blames the lack of gay reporters in Arab nations on the intransigence of Jewish settlers.”
“At age nine, Anderson Cooper appeared on the game show “To tell the truth” as an impostor. This alone made him perfectly qualified to cover politics for CNN.”
“Anderson Cooper is gay and John King is straight. CNN maintains it absolutely does not discriminate when it comes to selecting non-descript, pretty-boy Caucasian anchors with exceptionally good hair.”
“Anderson Cooper got angry with his boyfriend for swooning in front of the television over Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan. Calm down, Anderson. Most straight men privately concede that those guys are ridiculously handsome. This is America. Competition is healthy.”
“President Obama praised Mr. Cooper in a speech in California, condemned him in a speech in North Carolina, and reserved comment in Ohio until he saw more polling information.”
President Obama released a statement saying that it is time he came out and admitted the truth. He is a Vulcan, and his real name is BaSpock Obama. Upon hearing this, Anderson Cooper sent the President a note saying, “stop stepping on my press coverage, Big Ears.”
“CNN executives insisted that Mr. Cooper’s announcement will not keep them from their mission of providing bland, boring coverage while coasting off of the reputation of James Earl Jones.”
For those wondering why an entire column would be dedicated to a non-story, it was a slow news day. It is also a good time to observe that obviously America is moving past the “gay” issue.
A better question to query may be why CNN anchors cover, and re-cover, so many non-stories despite the American viewers leaving in droves for more exciting television viewing such as infomercials and test patterns.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian.
Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.” Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. After years of dating liberals, he has finally seen the light and now only dates Republican Jewish women. His family is pleased over this. Republican, Jewish women, you may contact Eric above.
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Eric Golub is an independent writer for the Communities. Read more from Eric at his TYGRRRR EXPRESS blog.
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