LOS ANGELES, July 30, 2012 — In a piece of news so stunning that it pushed Iran and Syria to the back burner, an American business has been accused of slaughtering birds and selling the carcasses for money.
In an even more barbaric act, people purchasing these dead birds eat them.
The company is Chick-fil-A, and the murdered birds are chickens.
The company has recently come under fire for having an owner who belongs to a religion that preaches sinister values such as “love thy neighbor.”
A top executive of the company caused a stir by expressing a political opinion about gay marriage that did not in any way effect the business operations of the company. There were no discriminatory hiring practices from a human being standpoint, but the chickens did not fare so well.
Therefore, some tough, irrelevant questions need to be asked and answered to allow this irrelevant issue to remain in the news.
Q: Were any of the slaughtered chickens gay?
A: Highly possible. If 10% of the population is gay, it would be wrong to discriminate against robots and animals. Rumors have been swirling around C3PO since the first Star Wars movie. If 10% of animals are gay, then it is reasonable to assume that some of those gay chickens have been killed at Chick-fil-A plants.
As long as 100% of the chickens killed are white, male, and heterosexual, there are no hate crimes being committed. Any attempt to murder for dark meat specifically would be racist. So far the killing of any minority chickens is incidental and undifferentiated from the way the white, male, power structure chickens are killed.
Q: Is anybody besides leftist gay activists angry at Chick-fil-A?
A: Most leftists hate Chick-fil-A. This is not about gay or straight. It is about leftists who complain about everything versus others who just want to get through their lives without leftists complaining about everything.
Animal and vegetable rights activists hate Chick-fil-A. However, vegans and vegetarians are split on the issue. Vegans tend to run around yelling “meat is murder.” However, vegetarians do not all agree on whether or not chicken actually is meat. Fish are also disputed. Vegetarians who eat beef make great candidates for the Jews for Jesus movement.
Q: Beef is delicious. Why does Chick-fil-A anger the beef industry by not serving hamburgers?
A: Because they focus on chickens.
Q: What did Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel mean when he said that Chick-fil-A does not adhere to “Chicago values?”
A: In Chicago it is perfectly legitimate for random people to go around and kill other random people. Many of the victims have been minorities. Since the local, state, and federal governments are either unwilling or unable to prevent the murder of people, they need a weapon of mass distraction. While executives at Chick-fil-A disagree with the concept of gay marriage, they have not prevented any gay weddings with bullets. In fact, no executive at Chick-fil-A has ever shot any human being anywhere.
Statistics would make it reasonable to assume that some of the shooting victims in Chicago were gay. No hate crimes have been reported since the shooters were not Christian executives trying to sell chicken sandwiches.
Neither Rod Blagojevich or Jesse Jackson Jr. had any comment on the subject of Chick-fil-A or Chicago values.
Q: What other leftist groups are angry at Chick-fil-A, and for what reasons?
A: The perpetually enraged feminists are angry at Chick-fil-A due to the name of the company. The term “chick” is sexist. The owner of Chick-fil-A is a white male, which is evidence of the war on women. Some of the chickens killed were “chicks,” proving that the war on women has now extended to animals.
Q: Is it barbaric to eat dead chickens?
A: No. It is barbaric to eat live ones. College fraternities may wish to ban this practice as an initiation ritual. For one thing, the feathers are a problem. For another, live chickens are capable of pecking out a person’s eyes. An analysis across various college campuses have shown that this ritual seems to be less a problem of consuming chickens than that of consuming mass amounts of alcohol.
Q: Since Chick-fil-A is not Kosher, is this proof of anti-Semitism?
A: No. However, it does leave an opening for the makers of Hebrew National hot dogs. They make chicken and turkey dogs as well.
Q: What is the biggest threat to Chick-fil-A going forward?
A: Colonel Sanders. KFC has Popcorn Chicken, and Chik-Fil-A should consider something similar. Popcorn Chicken is basically scraps, but them scraps is tasty!
Q: What can we learn from Chick-fil-A?
A: They take one day off every week to focus on things more important than their own selves. Leftists who complain about everything nonsensical may wish to do this as well. Society would benefit if they took every day off, but one day per week would be a good start.
So to all the leftist feminists, gay rights activists, fake civil rights activists, animal rights activists, college ivory tower elitists, and failed Chicago politicians, get your revenge on Chick-fil-A the right way.
Buy some of their chicken nuggets and repeatedly stab the nuggets with a plastic fork. Release your aggression and hostility. Don’t worry about causing any harm.
The nuggets were dead before you arrived, and just as tasty.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian.
Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.” Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. After years of dating liberals, he has finally seen the light and now only dates Republican Jewish women. His family is pleased over this. Republican, Jewish women, you may contact Eric above.
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Eric Golub is an independent writer for the Communities. Read more from Eric at his TYGRRRR EXPRESS blog.
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