CHARLESTON, SC, January 21, 2012–While Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum and Ron Paul are the four remaining presidential candidates, the Palmetto State brought one of the strangest political rallies involving a pair of non-candidate “candidates.”
Stephen Colbert of the “Colbert Report” teamed up with former candidate Herman Cain at a rally on the campus of the College of Charleston.
The politically liberal white Stephen Colbert and conservative black Herman Cain each referred to the other as the “brother from another mother.” Yet the real takeaway from the event is the bizarre set of circumstances that caused it to exist in the first place.
Stephen Colbert tried to get on the South Carolina ballot but was unable to do so. He is a well known comedian, and his testimony before Congress irritated many members when he offered to show pictures of his colonoscopy for reasons only he understood.
So Mr. Colbert is the candidate without a spot on the ballot. Mr. Cain is the man still on the ballot despite dropping out as a candidate. So Mr. Colbert asked his supporters to vote for Mr. Cain as a proxy vote.
A vote for Herman Cain would be a vote for Stephen Colbert.
With that as a backdrop, the event began with the Coastal Carolina University’s Cougars’ school marching band welcoming both men to the outdoor arena of the event entitled “Stephen Colbert: Rock me like a Herman Cain.”
After 3,300 mostly young people showed up, attendance was stopped inside the event. Another couple thousand people or more were forced to watch from behind the gates. In essence, this was the largest political rally in South Carolina in the days leading up to the primary, with no close seconds.
Despite the crowd being mostly young and liberal, Mr. Colbert wasted no time lampooning everybody with sometimes snarky, always sharp, comments like:
“If this turns into an Occupation you will be pepper-sprayed in the politest way possible.”
“You have to thank the bloggers just for coming outside.”
“Most importantly, I want to thank Stephen Colbert. You love me as much as I do. I’ll never forget where I was today. I was here. You were there.”
“Ron Paul needs to teach us how to spin straw into gold.”
“I am here to praise one man..a Her-man. A her-man is not a she-male. Sorry to disappoint Santorum voters.”
“The difference between Mitt Romney and a statue of Mitt Romney is that the statue does not change positions.”
“I will not be in an open marriage with Newt Gingrich.”
Herman Cain then came to the stage with a couple zingers of his own:
“Stephen Colbert could not get on the ballot and I could not get off the ballot.”
“Washington will not change from the inside. You have to change it from the outside.”
When he mentioned the Tea Party, a couple people yelled in support of Occupy Wall Street. In the middle of his remarks one person yelled out “bring back Colbert!” Cain continued.
“America needs to learn how to lighten up.”
He then offered a message that contradicted the purpose of the event.
“Don’t vote for Herman Cain. I don’t want you to waste your vote.”
“Stay informed, because stupid people are running America.”
“Stay involved. Stay inspired.”
While this was going on one man in the crowd was attempting to sell a very large bag of marijuana. The police were right there, but disinterested in pursuing the matter.
Cain than sang “Believe in yourself,” as the crowd chanted “Pokemon!”
Stephen Colbert, not done by any means, returned to the stage:
“People asked what this is all about. In fact, Herman Cain asked me this on the bus ride over.”
“Corporations are people and I am a people person.”
“I am the Martin Luther King Jr. of corporate civil rights.”
“I am the Lockheed Martin Luther Burger King.”
“I promise to make your voice heard through my voice. Can you hear me hearing you?”
“As Lincoln said at Gettysburg, give me some money.”
“Does Herman Cain share my beliefs? I don’t know. I have not asked him.”
“Politics is like an STD.”
“Did Napoleon surrender at Waterloo? No.”
The mere mention of Governor Nikki Haley’s name resulted in much booing.
The rally ended with Cain and Colbert singing “This little heart of mine. I’m going to let it shine.”
I was standing near the one of the blocked off entrances, a position staked out by showing up early. As I stood there, Mr. Cain and Mr. Colbert both came down the rope line and shook hands with people.
As they approached me, I explained that I had a cold and did not want to get them sick. I gave them both an “elbow bump.”
Yet after they passed me, they realized that they were walking the wrong way to a sealed off area. They were blocked from leaving their own event.
So Mr. Cain and Mr. Colbert came back down the same rope line and shook the same hands again. Again they engaged in elbow bumps with me as I wished Mr. Cain good luck on getting out of the area.
If there is one thing to be take away from the event, it is that the voting age should be raised to age 30. Stephen Colbert is hilarious and Herman Cain has a great sense of humor as well. What is not funny is a bunch of college students bragging about cutting class to attend an event, while holding up signs about revolution, occupation, and other destructive ideas.
Later that evening I ended up at a restaurant called Parson Jack’s. A radio broadcast was set up for “Colbert Radio.”
Yet this would not be a repeat performance. Stephen Colbert would not be stalking Rick Santorum or Newt Gingrich, who were both falsely rumored to be at that event. Herman Cain did not come. This time it was Stephen’s brother John Colbert, who along with local radio host Rocky Dee continued the day of anarchy in politics.
John Colbert interviewed me, and there was only one thing to say to him based on the “Rock me like a Herman Cain” event.
“John, your brother Stephen is insane.”
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian.
Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.” Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. After years of dating liberals, he has finally seen the light and now only dates Republican Jewish women. His family is pleased over this. Republican, Jewish women, you may contact Eric above.
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Eric Golub is an independent writer for the Communities. Read more from Eric at his TYGRRRR EXPRESS blog.
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