LOS ANGELES, January 11, 2012—The Iowa Caucus was a night of suspense. The New Hampshire primary was a boring affair that was over the moment it began. The media every four years does a fantastic job of focusing obsessively on 23 delegates (cut to 12 this year by the RNC) out of several thousand. The adventure begins in Dixville Notch.
Midnight: Due to renovations at the hotel, only 9 people vote in Dixville Notch. Barack Obama received 3 votes. Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman received 2 votes each. Ron Paul won one vote and so did Newt Gingrich.
Rick Santorum won 0 votes, which MSNBC called proof that social conservatism is dead in America. Ron Paul and Jon Huntsman both claimed a mandate, which they do every time they open their mouths. Despite Barack Obama’s win, not one liberal pointed out that the voters in Dixville Notch are lily-white. Melanin content only matters when Republicans win something.
One confused journalist wanted to know when the groundhog was going to show up. If it saw his its shadow, there would be six more weeks of mind-numbing primaries and caucuses.
The networks then took 17 hour break to sleep and contemplate why they were spending thousands of dollars in a recession to cover a midnight vote by nine people. Sadly, the networks would return to covering the event.
5pm: Romney wins. The battle is for second place. Initial exit polls have Romney at 36%, Paul at 23%, and Huntsman at 18%. Gingrich and Santorum were at 10% and Perry, who did not compete, was at 1%.
5:04: MSNBC proves again that is has no interest in being a real network. Ed Schultz immediately begins attacking Romney’s tax proposals, citing, what else? A leftist think tank. Jon Sununu calls the argument “a crock of cr@p.” When Lawrence O’Donnell joins the attack, Sununu says “you don’t know what you’re talking about,” and “you’re grasping at straws.” Fox News and CNN actually have news divisions, and they focus on the primary itself.
5:08: MSNBC: Chris Matthews says that Romney “never had to sweat in his life,” and compares him to “Uriah Heap,” and ” Horatio Alger.” This is MSNBC.
5:11: MSNBC: Ron Paul is projected to come in second. The only people celebrating more than the Paul people about this are the Romney people.
5:13: Fox: Megyn Kelly projects Jon Huntsman in third.
5:18: MSNBC: O’Donnell calls Ron Paul a fraud. So all Paul supporters should be encouraged to act like themselves and let Mr. O’Donnell know how they feel about that.
5:19: CNN: Huntsman will not be dropping out of the race. In further news, a tree fell in the forest.
5:20: Despite the contest being over within 60 seconds of the polls closing, the networks desperately try to fill 3 more hours of air time. The debate is whether to talk about the upcoming contest in South Carolina or to recount the Iowa Caucus vote totals.
5:25: Romney comes to the microphone. He goes straight after Barack Obama. There has been change, but not a lot of hope. Barack Obama takes pride in pointing out that it could be worse. That is not what being an American is about.
“The president has run out of ideas. Now he is running out of excuses.” 2012 should be the year that he “runs out of time.” Obama wants to put free enterprise on trial, and during the last few days some Republicans have joined him. Give up “the politics of envy.” Stop the “resentment of success.” “I will worry about your job, not about saving my own.” “I will insist on a military so powerful nobody would ever think of challenging it.” “He criticizes Israel. I will always stand with our friends.” “He apologizes for America. I will never apologize for the greatest nation in the history of the Earth. Our White House should be “the best of what America is about, not the worst of what Europe has become.”
5:38: Fox: Buddy Roemer and Michele Bachmann actually received votes. Romney won 5 delegates and Paul, 2, although those numbers were too large to be declared definitive.
5:39: MSNBC: Rachel Maddow points out Romney used a teleprompter, a desperate attempt to put him in the same category as Barack Obama, who is helpless without one.
5:40: MSNBC: Lawrence O’Donnell attacks people who sell cigarettes, alcohol, and guns, and compares them to Romney. These are people who would do anything for money. Of course none of these jobs are as dishonorable as being an MSNBC employee, but Mr. O’Donnell is not known for thoughtful introspection.
5:43: MSNBC: Chris Matthews wants Romney to release his tax returns. Normal Americans want Chris Matthews to distribute all of his wealth like the good socialist he pretends to be.
5:47: Fox: Brit Hume: Ron Paul has as much chance of winning as Rupaul would. Leftists everywhere accuse Hume of of being bigoted against black transvestites.
5:49: CNN: Ron Paul won 4% of the vote in South Carolina. His supporters declared victory and a mandate. If he wins 5% this time they will declare it a 25% increase and proof of his support.
5:50: MSNBC Accused tax cheat and debt deadbeat Al Sharpton talks about fairness in the tax system. Steven Pagones has no comment.
5:53: CNN and Fox News are breaking down voter data. MSNBC opinion talking heads are attacking Republicans and thanking whatever entity they believe in that they are not on Current TV. Keith Olbermann did the world a favor by refusing to do election coverage. MSNBC does not do it either, but they do not know this.
5:58: CNN: Ballot glitches in New Hampshire. Al Gore has not filed a lawsuit over it yet.
6:00pm: Ron Paul comes to the microphone. Rand is not in the room, yet he still looks more lifelike than last week in Iowa. “I thank the Union Leader for not endorsing me.” He congratulates Romney for a “clear cut victory.” However, “we are nibbling at his heels.” This fits in perfectly with the idea of the Paul movement as an angry chihuahua biting others on the leg. The former Taco Bell spokesman continued.
Momentum will not be stopped. He chuckles when he and his supporters are described as dangerous. “We are dangerous to the status quo of this country.” He gives a mini-scream reminiscent of Howard Dean. Then he goes into his standard stump speech.
“The other candidates are not talking about real cuts. They are talking about slowing the rate of growth. If we continue to do what we are doing the dollar is destroyed.” Every time Ron Paul tries to pretend he is mainstream, his supporters show why the rest of the nation despises them. At least this time they were chanting at a rally for their own candidate rather than disrupting one of the other ones. They yelled “Ron Paul revolution, give us back our Constitution.” The only thing missing was Jim Belushi smashing a guitar.
Dr. Paul concluded by saying that a true humanitarian believes in free markets, private property rights, and contract rights.
6:18: MSNBC: Chris Matthews continues rambling about Republicans as a collection of segregationists and Neocons. This is how MSNBC covers news.
6:30: Jon Huntsman comes to the microphone. “I think we’re in the hunt.” He calls third place “a ticket to ride.” He says that New Hampshire proves that people want the president to earn their votes. There is no word on whether that explains Romney more than doubling Huntsman in the vote. Huntsman brags about doing the most events, 170 of them. Yet 83% of the people reject him. He then goes into his standard stump speech.
6:55: Rick Santorum comes to the microphone. Only CNN covers his remarks from the beginning. Fox News has Karl Rove on and MSNBC has a commercial. They eventually catch up.
6:57: Newt Gingrich comes to the microphone while Santorum is still speaking. This is highly confusing as MSNBC goes to Gingrich while Fox News and CNN stick with Santorum.
Santorum spoke about being the son of a coal miner. He spoke from the heart. Gingrich was policy oriented as he usually is, and spoke about his speakership tenure. Gingrich and Santorum at precisely the same time at 6:59pm said that they were both going on to South Carolina. Santorum congratulated Romney.
Gingrich was speaking about a heating oil program while Santorum spoke about faith and family.
7:02: Fox News switches to Gingrich while CNN sticks with Santorum.
7:03: Santorum finishes and prepares for a tough fight in South Carolina.
7:04: Gingrich criticizes Obama as someone who attacks job creators. Yet several of the GOP candidates, including Gingrich, have attacked Romney over Bain Capital. CNN goes to Gingrich on tape delay, as he began his remarks while on Fox News and MSNBC had him ending his remarks.
7:07: MSNBC decides that their team was not leftist or hateful enough, so Debbie Wasserman-Schultz is brought in. This is what MSNBC considers “analysis.” Naturally, she claims Romney’s win was actually a loss, while Barack Obama is good and Republicans are evil.
7:08: Fox: Sean Hannity interviews Rick Perry, who is already in South Carolina. Perry declares a difference between “venture capitalism and vulture capitalism.”
7:13: MSNBC: Romney wins 5 delegates, Ron Paul 3, and John Huntsman 2. This is what the entire American media is focusing on.
7:15: It is tough to focus on three televisions all with people saying absolutely nothing while trying to balance a hot Republican Jewish brunette on the telephone and a hamburger with a fried egg on it in front of me. The burger and the woman were both as delicious as the political coverage was pointless.
8:30: CNN: Paul and Huntsman both did well among independents, with Paul actually winning them at 32, with Romney at 29 and Huntsman at 23. Yet among Republicans, Romney romped with 49%. Supporters and Huntsman will insist that this proves they have crossover appeal, which is nonsense. Many of those people are closet Obama supporters who re-registered just to wreak havoc. They will revert back to Obama. Real Republicans soundly rejected Paul and Huntsman, as they both finished behind Santorum. Santorum had 13% of Republicans. Put it even more starkly, Romney had more than double the Republican support of liberal darlings Huntsman and Paul combined. South Carolina is a closed Republican primary, also known as a reality check to niche candidates trying to win a Republican nomination without votes from actual Republicans.
Now it is on to South Carolina, where the adults will be back in charge and the children will be put to bed. Romney is at 37% with Santorum at 19%, Gingrich at 18%, Perry at 13%, Ron Paul at 12%, and Jon Huntsman at 1%. This is why South Carolina picks presidents. As Iowa and New Hampshire go, so go Iowa and New Hampshire. The other 48 states remain underwhelmed. This concludes coverage of the New Hampshire Primary.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian.
Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.” Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. After years of dating liberals, he has finally seen the light and now only dates Republican Jewish women. His family is pleased over this. Republican, Jewish women, you may contact Eric above.
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