LAS VEGAS, February 9, 2012--In January of 1981, the Oakland Raiders were preparing for the Super Bowl. The game was to be played in New Orleans, and the hard partying Raiders were told not to be out all night on Bourbon Street. Curfew was 11pm every night.
John "The Tooz" Matuszak was out partying until 3am, and head coach Tom Flores was not happy about it. Yet when Tooz was asked why he broke curfew, his answer was one for the ages. He insisted that he was on Bourbon Street all night making absolutely sure that everybody else was obeying curfew. Once he was finally assured that not a single player was on Bourbon Street, he felt comfortable coming back to the hotel knowing they were all being responsible. Coach Flores just shook his head. The Tooz was not suspended, the Raiders won the Super Bowl, and the matter was dropped.
Today we live in a world of Facebook, Twitter, and crystal clear camera phones. Everything can be publicized, and the results can wreck reputations. In sports this can cause embarrassment. In politics it can put the nation at risk. Leaders cannot subject themselves to being blackmailed.
With several sex scandals having recently rocked the nation, it is vitally important that the current presidential candidates stay out of trouble.
In Florida, I made sure that Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich, and Ron Paul were not partying in South Beach. Republican candidates cannot be caught in hot tubs with college coeds. Thankfully the candidates were not there.
Yet the candidates went from one temptation island to another, due to the recent Nevada Primary. For the good of the Republican Party, my stay in Las Vegas had me checking the nightclubs to make absolutely sure that the candidates had truly gone on to Colorado and Minnesota like they said they did.
It is vital that none of them be caught in the nightclubs. For one thing, the outfits the girls are made to wear are a tad risque, perhaps even objectifying them. It was so inappropriate that I had to look away from them after a brief look of approximately five hours. It is with great relief that none of the other candidates were inside the hotel nightclub doing the same. I was looking out for them, but they would not be given much latitude had they gone there trolling for votes.
Ron Paul was the one most likely to get into trouble. Many of his supporters are the types of young women who dance at these clubs. After carefully checking "Tao," Dr. Paul has now been exonerated. He was not there.
Mitt Romney has five sons, and it took much longer to comb through "RPM" at the Tropicana Hotel. Despite one woman calling out Romney's son Tagg, it was a false alarm. She was just slapping her friend on her (redacted) and saying that the other girl was "it." My memory reminds me that tag was a fairly innocuous game on the playground. None of the Romney men were at RPM.
Rick Santorum is constantly preaching family values, so to find out he was at "Spearmint Rhino" would have been a death knell for his presidency and a disappointment to social conservatives everywhere. After scouring the place from top to bottom, it can be said with certainty that he was not there. He has been rumored to have chewed Spearmint gum from time to time, although this has not been confirmed.
Newt Gingrich was not at "Cheetahs." He has eaten a bag of Cheetos in his lifetime, but that did not require any surveillance work. Mr. Gingrich did not buy any dances from any of the women, and none of the women confessed to knowing any fellow named after either a newt or a salamander.
This was hard work, and thankfully all of the Republican candidates stayed out of trouble. While I am happy to help in any way I can, it would simply be better if somebody else would relieve my burden. The Hawaii Caucus is in March, and I arrive in Honolulu in late February. It is just too burdensome to check every single club in Waikiki, much less canvass all five islands to make sure the GOP presidential race is free of sex scandals.
So to all those who want candidates who morally practice what they preach, so far so good. It is imperative that my level of analysis is augmented just to make sure the statistical sample size is valid.
It is a dirty job, but someone's got to do it.
In case I ever embark on a political career of my own, I was really in bed in my hotel room by 10pm, five hours before this column somehow got published without my knowledge. To the person monitoring me to make sure I am properly monitoring the candidates, sorry you were bored. Next time do a better job of writing my column. Had you not been in those inappropriate places looking for me, you would not have been so tired, and would have done a better job.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian.
Eric is the author of the book trilogy "Ideological Bigotry, "Ideological Violence," and "Ideological Idiocy." Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. After years of dating liberals, he has finally seen the light and now only dates Republican Jewish women. His family is pleased over this. Republican, Jewish women, you may contact Eric above.
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Eric Golub is an independent writer for the Communities. Read more from Eric at his TYGRRRR EXPRESS blog.
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