LAS VEGAS, February 7, 2011―In South Carolina and Florida, covering the candidates was easy since they were gracious enough to campaign according to my timetable. Yet by the time I arrived in Las Vegas last night, they had already left Nevada to campaign in other contests.
Mitt Romney was the big winner in the Nevada Caucus on Saturday despite Ron Paul supporters trying to cheat.
Yes, it is high time that Ron Paul, that paragon of virtue, the deity disguised as an elderly mere mortal, sees his supporters called out. They truly believe that the ends justify the means, as if they are the first group of people to see their cause as noble and virtuous while everybody else is malevolent.
The Nevada Caucus was supposed to be over by Saturday evening. However, a separate Caucus on Saturday night was held so that Orthodox Jews could vote. Naturally Ron Paul supporters felt this was a Zionist conspiracy, but it was simply a chance to allow religious Jews to observe their Sabbath without being disenfranchised.
The rules required for this after-caucus were for individuals to show proof that they were Orthodox Jews. A bunch of Ron Paul supporters showed up and voted in the after-caucus anyway, resulting in plenty of fraudulent voting. Apparently the Constitution only matters to these individuals when it suits them. They need to break the rules to save us all. The ridiculous irony was the anti-Semitic language uttered by some complaining about special treatment for Jews while voting in their after-caucus illegally.
Ron Paul supporters have complained about being labeled in many negative ways. Now the word “cheaters” can be added to the list.
Tuesday night brought four more contests. There was the Colorado Caucus, the Minnesota Caucus, the Missouri Primary, and one last special contest that thankfully received very little attention. Nevada was over for many, but in Clark County last night I participated in and covered the Las Vegas Cocktail Waitress Caucus. It would be a clean sweep either way, with nothing separating 100% success from a failed 0%.
The presidential race around America has had twists and turns. Rick Santorum won Iowa. Mitt Romney won New Hampshire. Newt Gingrich won South Carolina. Ron Paul won nothing, resulting in his supporters claiming victory after every single contest. Perhaps they use metrics that go beyond actual numbers. Mitt Romney then won Florida.
Yet the one constant in all of the races is candidates refusing to compete in states they know they will lose in, and then using that to minimize the results. Refusing to compete should not be a mitigating factor in losing, since the expected loss was the very reason the individual refused to compete to begin with.
Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich downplayed New Hampshire. Ron Paul downplayed Florida. Mitt Romney was tempted to downplay Iowa until he almost won it.
Newt Gingrich declares the importance of the debates because he excels in them. Rick Santorum declares that retail politicking matters most because that is his strength. Mitt Romney offers the electability argument because that favors him. Ron Paul pursues a caucus strategy, all but ignoring primaries where actual voters reject him in droves. Then when he loses badly in caucuses, there will be another creative way to explain why results do not matter.
Entering the Tuesday contests, Mitt Romney had over 100 delegates. New Gingrich had 32 and Santorum had 17. Ron Paul had 9 delegates, which again somehow proves that he is winning. If astroturfing Internet message boards translated into actual votes, he would be winning. It does not, and he is not.
Yet just when it looked like this was a race between Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich, the race delivered some stunning results to the conventional wisdom that is unconventional and totally lacking in wisdom. Rick Santorum cleaned house. He won everything on Tuesday night.
In the Colorado Caucus, Rick Santorum won 40% to 35% for Mitt Romney. Newt Gingrich was far behind in third, and perpetual victory declarer Ron Paul came in dead last again. Caucuses are his strength.
The Missouri Primary was non-binding. Yet the candidates chose to compete, so to dismiss it would be wrong. Rick Santorum won big with 55% of the vote, the largest win by any of the candidates in any of the contests. Mitt Romney had 25% of the vote. Newt Gingrich failed to qualify for the ballot. Ron Paul finished with 12%. So of all of the candidates actually on the ballot, Ron Paul again came in dead last. If this bothers his supporters, the warm and fuzzy narrative is that he was still rejected by 88% of the voters.
All of the candidates were on the ballot in the Minnesota Caucus, and Rick Santorum won big with 45% of the vote. Ron Paul came in second with 27%. His supporters declared victory, because they do that. Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich came in third and fourth. Ron Paul declared “We did very well tonight.” He defines losing one contest by 18 points and finishing last in the other contests as very well. He still has won absolutely nothing.
This was a big night for Rick Santorum because he won everything. It was a bad night for Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich for winning nothing. It was a bad night for Ron Paul for the exact same reason, but since they declare victory anyway, it is best to just pat them on the head, hug them, and say “Of course you did well. Great Job!” Then walk away before continue to argue while refusing to take yes for an answer.
If the Paul supporters complain about bias, then they should start acting like the other candidates who judge wins and losses by actual wins and losses.
This leads to the unfortunate results of the Las Vegas Cocktail Waitress Caucus. The success rate was 0%.
Sure, excuses could be made. Las Vegas does not count because I did not compete that hard. I wanted to conserve my “A Game” for contests that actually matter, such as South Beach, Miami, during Spring Break or Honolulu, Hawaii next month.
The number of cocktail waitresses actually hit on was zero. Yet refusing to compete is no excuse. If all the resources in my possession were thrust into this contest, would the results have been different? That will never be known.
The bottom line is an absence of rejection for refusing to risk rejection is not the same as acceptance. The Las Vegas Cocktail Caucus results were not good. There was not even any competition, since the other candidates were: 1) Not in Nevada at that time, and 2) Happily married to their spouses and not willing to risk destroying their political careers over cocktail waitresses.
The candidates will continue to make excuses for why losses do not count in virtually all circumstances.
Congratulations to Mr. Santorum for winning big in Colorado, Minnesota, and Missouri. To Mr. Gingrich and Mr. Romney, another win gets you back in the game. To Mr. Paul, one win anywhere would be a first. The next event is the Maine Caucus, followed by contests in Arizona and Michigan.
Politics should be an excuse-free zone, and so should carousing. Luckily, the Las Vegas Cocktail Waitress Caucus is a two day affair. If all else fails, and the success rates do not add up, the waitress collecting my drink money wearing an Uncle Sam top hat will let me take my dollar bills and stuff the beautiful ballot boxes.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian.
Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.” Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. After years of dating liberals, he has finally seen the light and now only dates Republican Jewish women. His family is pleased over this. Republican, Jewish women, you may contact Eric above.
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