LOS ANGELES, February 17, 2012 – Tucker Carlson’s real slander was not against David Brock or Media Matters. It was about me.
It was one thing for Tucker Carlson and the Daily Caller to go after David Brock and Media Matters. To drag me into it is totally unacceptable. If Mr. Carlson is looking for a fight, he’s got one.
The Daily Caller has just begun running an investigative series on Media Matters. A very close look at the initial column contains a thinly veiled attack on me.
Using similar jump-skipping analysis technique as done with the “Bible Codes,” the message in Mr. Carlson’s column is as plain as the Sun setting in the North and rising in the South. The following paragraphs in his article contain the codes, with the bold type being added by me for emphasis (and those battling glaucoma).
Page 1, Paragraph 1: “David Brock was smoking…
Page 2, Paragraph 2: “Media Matters produced and was prepared to run…
Page 3, Paragraph 9: “…President Eric Burns traveled to the White House…
Page 4, Paragraph 3: “is the de facto leader of the GOP…
Page 5, Paragraph 8: “Brock believed he had received credible death threats…
Page 6, Paragraph 7: “There were these two folks who got caught (having sex) in the communications war room…
There you have it. “David Brock and Eric G had sex.”
Tucker, this is why Media Matters accuses you of yellow journalism.
First of all, it is wrong to insinuate that David Brock is gay. The fact that he says he is, that is totally irrelevant. David Brock is a liar. He hasn’t had a truthful moment since he wrote about Anita Hill, and he lied about that by claiming that he lied about that.
This automatically makes him a liar. First he is a right-wing smear merchant, then he becomes a left-wing smear merchant. Even the title of his organization is a lie because I have seen the media and they really don’t matter. So stop claiming that he is gay based on his say so. It undermines your credibility.
Also, just because David Brock claims to be gay does not mean I am gay. Would I pretend to be gay if I thought it would lull hot women into a false sense of security? Of course, what guy wouldn’t? Look, my predilections may not be “mainstream.” Most vertically challenged Jewish guys do not lust after Monique from Showtime at the Apollo (Actually they do, but refuse to admit it).
I have nothing against gay men as people. It’s just that worshiping at the altar of the human female and basing every action on their anticipated and desired reaction renders me unqualified to be gay.
(Full disclosure: I used to submit columns to the Daily Caller. Rumor has it these columns were done badly, a trend that began with my stubborn insistence on submitting them in cursive penmanship rather than typed words.)
Tucker Carlson may claim that these words appeared coincidentally, but that is about as believable as the notion that Chinese fortune cookies are distributed at random. “Your entire life will suck” seems to only be given to those who tip less than ten percent.
Even more insulting is that the words “having sex” appear in parentheses. This is the ultimate indignity. Given the pain of my junior high school years, any announcement of a girl talking to me, much less having sex with me, should be in BOLD CAPITAL LETTERS and italics, not (parentheses).
Many of the sentiments expressed about Mr. Brock directly relate to me. Credible death threats? Of course I get them.
Tucker, the issue should be about the fact that the liberal media is corrupt, and that the conspiracy leads directly to the White House. The issue should not be what David Brock and I do in our private lives, which are very separate. I have never met the man, although if he has a crush on me I would not blame him.
After consulting with several attorneys who recommended me for a straitjacket and a room with white rubber walls, I did what any decent individual would do in that situation. I consulted more attorneys until I found one who told me what I wanted to hear.
I was going to sue you for a Milli-Vanillion dollars, but inflation and the Obama presidency have rendered the dollar all but worthless. McDonalds gift certificates would be fine, but a better solution would solve my financial and medical problems simultaneously.
A terrible rash on my arm will be referred to as Poison Ivy despite my never going outside. Therefore, since I like watching the Simpsons, you can pay me in “Itchy and Scratchy” money.
Anyway Tucker, this is obviously all an Internet conspiracy between the Daily Caller and Media Matters to drive up ratings for both entities and make you and David Brock rich. One theory yet to be disproven is that like the movie “Fight Club,” you and David Brock are the same person. This makes sense, since I have never seen both of you in a room together.
On the slimmest chance that I am completely wrong, then Media Matters is a bad organization and David Brock represents the worst in journalistic ethics.
If that is the case, get to work on dealing with him and stop focusing on my private life.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian.
Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.” Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. After years of dating liberals, he has finally seen the light and now only dates Republican Jewish women. His family is pleased over this. Republican, Jewish women, you may contact Eric above.
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Eric Golub is an independent writer for the Communities. Read more from Eric at his TYGRRRR EXPRESS blog.
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