LOS ANGELES, February 10, 2011--My Dearest Respected Leader Commandant President Obama,
In a couple of weeks I will flying from Los Angeles to Hawaii. I will be there for approximately seven to ten days. For the most part the dates are locked down, and I will send your staff my itinerary.
Given that you are the leader of the free world and I am a lowly paean citizen, I am used to you having very little regard for me. Yet out of respect for your position, I have a request of you. I am beseeching you, sir.
When I am in Hawaii, please do not come.
I want my trip to Hawaii to be Obama-free. Please. Just this once, let me be somewhere nice where you are not.
Sir, this is not personal. You have every right to vacation wherever you please, although I personally feel you vacation far too much and work not nearly enough. Yet this is not about your work ethic. It is about mine.
I work hard. I rarely get to unwind. I went to Hawaii in 2006 and 2007 and have not been back since. Your arrival would make my trip a disaster. You see, sir, anywhere you go involves traffic congestion.
When you come to Los Angeles, you bring the entire city to a standstill. You stay at a hotel three blocks from my home, and I can’t even go to a 7-11 to get my pizza rolls without a hassle. You show up during rush hour. Also, Secret Service people get hungry. When Bill Clinton came to the Arm and Hammer Museum, only blocks from my home, I had to wait over an hour for a Subway sandwich. Cutting in front of Secret Service members is a non-starter. George W. Bush never disrupted my lunch or my commute.
I can’t have the hassles that you bring in Hawaii, sir. Just golf somewhere else for once. I will be hopping to several of the islands, and I cannot have my trip ruined because you need a hiding place from those on the mainland you have upset with your policies.
I have serious investigative work to do in Hawaii. No, this is not about your birth certificate. I still believe you were born in New York in an IBM laboratory, which explains why you are a computer lacking human emotions. People with feelings do not tie up traffic in rush hour. Sorry, sir, but that really is a big deal to me and many others who do not have Air Force One to fly over the freeway during rush hour.
Sir, for you, Rush Hour is a Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker movie. Yet if you understand the words coming out of my mouth, let me tell you that rush hour for travelers is misery.
As one of your critics, I understand you need to have the FBI and others spy on the purpose of my trip. I will be speaking to some politically conservative groups, which is still legal. You most likely will be the object of derision in some of my speeches if not all of them.
The other part of my trip is a national security matter. I have been traveling around America and going to nightclubs in the wee hours of the morning to make sure that presidential candidates are not there. It is one thing if I get caught in a hot tub with a barely legal coed, but I am not running for office. Also, not nearly enough nightclubs have hot tubs in the back rooms. See what you can do about that on your next vacation.
Anyway, I checked out the clubs in South Beach, Miami, and in Las Vegas. Everything was clean. While I am doing this to benefit Republicans, you can be happy knowing that your top advisers were not there either. Trust me, if I saw David Axelrod or David Plouffe receiving lapdances in the nightclubs, I would report it immediately for the good of democracy.
Since Thailand is not a state, investigating Patpong is not necessary at this time. Yet the clubs on Kuhio Avenue are often frequented by those looking for trouble. It is imperative I make sure that the section of Waikiki where trouble occurs is free from political scandals. I can even make sure all of Honolulu is secure for you before you arrive for your next vacation. My favorite place is “Nashville Waikiki.” Let’s be honest sir, country music bars are not for you. In fact, none of the places I frequent are. You are a bit of a beta male, and mechanical bulls are alpha male territory.
Mr. President, I don’t get to relax like you do. During the day I actually have to do things. At some point during my trip to Oahu, I may even have a few precious minutes to relax. Do not cheat me out of this.
I am the last person who would ever consider raising money for you, but I am even open to raising money to help you vacation somewhere other than Hawaii when I am there. You seem to have zero trouble raising money yourself, given that the only people not hurt by your destructive policies are the leftist billionaires admiring your aroma. Yet I will help if I can. There is a really good Sizzler in many cities, and the Sunday New York Times you worship often has coupons for discounts at the salad bar. Trust me sir, without sounding like white trash, some of these places even have corn fritters. Them fritters is tasty.
I will make sure your staff has two weeks notice regarding my trip. I wish I could give you and them two weeks notice in another way, but that is for another time and place, most likely November of 2012. For now, please verify my itinerary and just choose somewhere other than Hawaii to stay in late February and early March.
Do not pretend the islands are big enough for both of us. You simply take up too much room. I know I am making this all about me, but you do the exact same thing. The difference is you act this way every day. I want this privilege just for a few precious days and nights.
Look, I understand that if God forbid Pearl Harbor gets attacked again, it is all hands on deck. You will have to bring all useful government officials and perhaps even Joe Biden with you. Yet this scenario seems unlikely since the Japanese are less interested in attacking us than in recovering from economic policies almost as bad as yours.
So again sir, allow this tourist visiting Hawaii to have a really enjoyable trip. You are at your best when you get out of the way and stop interfering. I know you are incapable of doing this from a policy standpoint, but you can from a vacation standpoint. You meddle in every aspect of my life. Just once, please refrain.
Allow me to enjoy Hawaii, sir. While I am there, please go somewhere else. You have 56 other states to choose from. Go there.
In fact, hold a fundraiser in Los Angeles at that time. This way every Hollywood celebrity will stay there, and my trip to Hawaii will be free from each and every one of them.
You are good at fundraisers, sir. This is an election year. You need to be in swing states, not in bright Blue Hawaii. Martha’s Vineyard needs you now more than ever sir.
Thank you for understanding Mr. President. It’s not you. It’s just everything you do and the way you act, and the dreadful results.
Anyway, I appreciate your respecting my wishes. I promise to enjoy Hawaii, and have a fantastic time without you.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian.
Eric is the author of the book trilogy "Ideological Bigotry, "Ideological Violence," and "Ideological Idiocy." Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. After years of dating liberals, he has finally seen the light and now only dates Republican Jewish women. His family is pleased over this. Republican, Jewish women, you may contact Eric above.
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