LOS ANGELES, December 4, 2012 ― Today is a day to celebrate meaningless metrics of artificial social acceptance.
My tranquility was disrupted in the last few years, as others dragged me kicking and screaming onto Facebook and Twitter. I use these sites for business. Usually one comment per day suffices, containing a link to my column. “Status updates” as to where I am (not your concern), why I am there (definitely not your concern), and who I am romancing (any Republican Jewish brunette I can get my hands on) are a waste of everybody’s time.
Even if I were “somebody,” does the world really need to know if Kim Kardashian is getting her bottom waxed at Salon A or Salon B? Is there anything Katy Perry could possibly have to say that cannot wait to be read about a few months later? Have we turned into the nation of Narcissista?
No, no, and of course we have.
Apparently I am in “Linked in,” although I have no idea why. My “Klout” score is 45%, while the average is only 40%. So on the one hand I am superior to a healthy plurality of the population, but not in any way that I can possibly grasp. I matter to somebody, somewhere who compiles statistics that do not matter to me.
So in that vein, today begins the auditions for Twitter individual number five.
When I began Twitter, I was not going to cheat. Anybody can purchase followers. Every follower I have is either truly interested in what I have to say, or an automated spambot trying to sell me a useless product, most likely involving social networking.
(Also, my Tweets and text messages are in real English since I despise acronyms. 140 characters is tough when one spells out whole words properly.)
Former Congressman Anthony Weiner got in trouble when the oddity of a sitting United States Congressman “following” young girls was pointed out. Following people in general seems creepy, so staying out of trouble is best accomplished by following almost nobody.
People who follow everybody without having any followers make lousy cult leaders. Since I want to be a guy that others read, I need to have followers.
It was decided early on that for every person I followed, 100 people would follow me. Actually this was coincidence, but it seems cool to stick with.
I follow four people.
@Amatotalk is San Diego conservative radio host Rick Amato. He has had me as a guest host, and is the person who pretty much explained Twitter to me. Before him I did not know a hashtag from a hash brown. I would wax romantical about how he was my first, but I do not want to be mistaken for Lena Dunham, who I do not follow.
@Arightside is Washington, DC, conservative radio host Armstrong Williams. He has had me many times as a guest, and he was gracious enough to endorse my first book, “Ideological Bigotry,” on the back cover. He once interviewed me at 5am and asked tough questions. I have no memory of that interview.
@AndreaTantaros is a New York Fox News commentator who appears on “The Five.” I interviewed her awhile back, and she asked me to follow her. She is a hot Republican brunette so I said, “Duh, ok.”
A girl I dated years ago is a politically liberal environmental activist who is obsessed with green stuff. I think we should burn down forests and build shopping malls, so the relationship did not work out. I am also a Neocon, and there was not a single country she ever wanted to blow up. She is a smoking hot brunette, and I randomly thought about her. I was not aware I clicked on the link until I apparently did. Perhaps I should unfollow her, since she has left Twitter. The nettiquette on unfollowing mystifies me.
When I had 499 followers, the idea of following a fifth person was unthinkable. Now with 562 followers, following one more person seems acceptable. For those wondering why this matters, it doesn’t. I just like round numbers. We don’t have nine amendments or eleven commandments. Ninepins failed as a game but tenpins created legions of bowlers.
Sure, I could add Dr. Charles Krauthammer, Steve Moore, Greg Gutfeld, or some member of the Raiderettes who probably has less enthusiasm for me than I do for them. That is the default option. So at this point everybody who realizes I have nothing to say but likes me anyway should just send in their reasons why I should follow them.
All applications will be ignored because I do not even follow the four people I actually follow. What I really want is for people to just follow me without me following them.
To quote rapper Eminem, whom I do not follow: “This looks like a job for me, so everybody else just follow me, cause we need a little controversy, cause it feels so empty without me.”
Will you be my number five? You will be cherished always by those who celebrate utterly useless metrics of meaningless artificial social acceptance.
Better yet, just donate money. I accept everything from McDonald’s gift certificates to silver bullion, provided the silver bullion can be converted into McDonald’s gift certificates.
For those with a smart-phone who have an “app” for that, do not send me any apps. I am anti-app, anti-acronym, and anti-social networking. To know what else I think about it, follow me @TYGRRRREXPRESS. I cover politics during the week, football on Sundays, and lighthearted valueless nonsense like this from time to time.
Follow me now.
Or don’t (Shrug).
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”
Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. Follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS. Read more from Eric at TYGRRRR EXPRESS
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