LOS ANGELES, December 21, 2012—Some people interpret the meaning of the end of the Mayan Calendar, December 21st of 2012 as more than just the Winter Solstice. It is also End of Days, Armageddon without the daring rescue or Aerosmith.
This event on the Mayan Calendar leads to so many questions, with the first two very perplexing. What is a Mayan? Also, what is a calendar? Wikipedia may answer these questions depending on what Wikipedia is.
Yet there are deeper questions regarding End of Days that require answers. Consider this an End of Days handbook that will either one day be as timeless as the Old Testament, or buried in rubble before being read.
Q: Has End of Days already happened during this reading?
A: That is questionable. As a navel-gazing expert, my own currently seems lifelike. There was some fingertip discoloration, but apparently that was residue from taco-flavored Doritos. Navel-gazing leads to the French, and Descartes once said “I think, therefore I am.” His being French automatically makes him wrong, so a better answer comes from Ambrose Bierce. The “Devil’s Dictionary” author opined “I think I think, therefore I think I am.”
Q: What time is End of Days?
A: That information may not be known. Try number-crunching using an algorithm first developed in the 1970s by Dwayne Wayne on “What’s Happenin’?” Divide the starting quarterback’s number by five and then go with the team with nicer helmets. It also works for betting on football.
Q: How does daylight savings time affect End of Days?
A: Some things will be argued until the end of time. If this is it, we will all finally have answers to certain questions. Was the Millennium in 2000 or 2001? Are people in Hawaii and Arizona geniuses or imbeciles for refusing to change their clocks? We do know a broken clock is still right twice daily, which matters to somebody, somewhere.
Q: If we are not home to witness it, what channel is it on so we can Tivo it and watch later?
A: Channel 666 for DirecTV, 999 for DISH, and 0 for Obama supporters.
Q: Who is filming the movie version for posterity?
A: This was done in 1999, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and Gabriel Byrne. Byrne may be Satan, but not Kaiser Sose. As for Arnold, the Terminator’s performance was so panned that he was banned from Hollywood and forced to toil away in despair as California Governor. After a six year exile, he returned to movies.
Q: If Michael Stipe of REM is right, will we truly feel fine if it is the end of the world as we know it?
A: No, but we may still be shiny happy people. If the ending is a nuclear blowout, we will see pretty colors and have thick layers of sheen before fading to black.
Q: Besides cockroaches, who or what else will survive End of Days?
A: According to the late comedian Bill Hicks, the Rolling Stones will be fine, especially Keith Richards. Others have claimed that while boxing promoter Don King may not survive, his hair will.
Q: What is the harm in being wrong if we survive?
A: Those faxing a copy of their posterior to the Internal Revenue Service will not fare well. IRS agents are expected to survive either way.
Q: Does the legal doctrine of “promisory estoppel” apply to contracts entered into on the 20th? Are End of Days promises enforceable?
A: This is a gray area, not to be confused with “50 Shades of Gray,” which may be a book about women trying on different colors of eyeliner at the mall. The male version is about buying blinds from Home Depot. Sherwin Williams paint can make even boring beige look like eggshell or creme.
If contracts are legally entered into for legal business ventures, then the work must be performed. The construction industry should not suffer just because potential homeowners failed to cheat the contract through a failed attempt at eternal death.
Personal matters are more complex. A 2011 case before the Council of Raging Angry Women (CRAW, like the Supreme Court but much scarier) provides guidance. The case was Golub vs All Politically Liberal Hot Women.
Mr. Golub wanted a Republican Jewish brunette, but none surfaced. It was the day before End of Days, and several politically liberal women told him “not if you were the last man on Earth.” He asked them “What if it was the last day on Earth?” They obediently complied, yet the next day reverted back to anger once they discovered they were all alive. CRAW ruled that although Mr. Golub did not break any laws, they were angry women and he is male, therefore judgment against him. He currently serves a sentence in purgatory, also known as Los Angeles. The women there are all liberals, without Republican Jewish brunettes in sight.
Q: What is the best meal to eat before End of Days?
A: Something healthy and not spicy. Spending forever in the great unknown is unpleasant enough without adding on a stomachache.
Q: Is End of Days a Zionist plot?
A: No, the opposite. It is an anti-Semitic plot. If Christians survive, they still have three days to shop for Christmas presents. Jews already purchased Hanukkah gifts that cannot be returned either because the store is gone dishonest. The way for Jews to beat the system is to refuse to ever buy a gift for anybody, in keeping with the holiday spirit.
Q: Are there any subliminal messages in End of Days?
A: Playing anagrams and rearranging End of Days contains two separate clues. ADD SOY FEN will help make Chinese food taste better if survivors can find this MSG substitute. DEAD FONYS means Hollywood will finally be obliterated, proving that even End of Days has a silver lining.
Q: Is there anything more pointless than worrying about the End of Days if we cannot stop it?
A: Yes, droning on about it either on Facebook or in an entire column.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”
Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. Follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS. Read more from Eric at TYGRRRR EXPRESS
Follow us: @wtcommunities on Twitter
This article is the copyrighted property of the writer and Communities @ WashingtonTimes.com. Written permission must be obtained before reprint in online or print media. REPRINTING TWTC CONTENT WITHOUT PERMISSION AND/OR PAYMENT IS THEFT AND PUNISHABLE BY LAW.