Gangnam Style, British Royals, and Harvard Bondage Clubs: All the news that's fit to ignore

While the world from Syria to Gaza burns and the American economy prepares to crash over the fiscal cliff, global idiocy reigns supreme.

LOS ANGELES, December 11, 2012— The United States Fiscal Cliff, the Israeli-Palestinian conflict in Gaza during Hanukkah, and Bashar Assad in Syria all have something in common: They actually matter. They are “news.”

Yet as “war weary” Americans turn to ostriches, there is a desire to waste valuable news time and air space on complete nonsense. The New York Times claims that it is “all the news that’s fit to print.” Long before they devalued their brand with the Jayson Blair scandal, the birdcage lining of record decided to follow the herd and help contribute to America devolving into a nation of imbeciles.

The rest of the world has played along.

There are several stories in the last month that have received significant coverage, but that does not make them news. The late William F. Buckley said that he would stand atop history and tell the intelligentsia to “stop!” Now it is time for more than one lonely voice to shed hydratic lamentations over the death of any intelligence in the news business whatsoever.

Here in one fell swoop is all the news that’s fit to ignore.

Gangnam Style: There is no justification for the fuss over this stupid “Condom Style” song or whatever the heck the oddball guy behind it is singing. Apparently he made anti-American remarks. If we banned everyone who hates America from attending the White House, half the Democrats in Congress would be banned, as well as some Obama visitors discovered after the fact.

The real issue is that it’s a dumb song and one billion people are blameworthy of making this clown a celebrity. If people want to focus on a Korean fellow who hates America, then pay attention to North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un.

Forget Psy and focus on the psycho with nuclear weapons.

The British Royal Family: Princess Kate is pregnant. Earth to paparazzi: Birds do it. Bees do it. Queen Elizabeth did it (blech) when the Magna Carta was just a college fraternity. Prince Charles and Camilla do it (blech).

Sex causes pregnancy causes kids. Nothing against Billy and Katey, but can the Royal Family never be discussed again? It is bad enough we have three Kardashians, one Katy Perry, and another Snooki on the way. Even President Obama is less boring and vapid than these people.

We are becoming a globe of gawkers. The media is now focusing on a tragic suicide involving a nurse, but once that fades away, it will be all Royal Family talk all the time. Is Pippa’s posterior better than the K3 girls? Someone make it stop now (not their hides, just the discussion of them).

Harvard Bondage Clubs: Liberal Harvard students want to start a bondage club. Let’s review. America fought a Civil War so that black people could be free from slavery. Now a bunch of idiotic upper class white college kids want to come full circle and put themselves in chains.

Joe Biden claimed that the GOP wanted to “put y’all back in chains”. He got the race and the ideology wrong. Many conservatives long advocated for guilty white pretentious liberal college students to be bound and gagged.

We just never thought they would agree with us and voluntarily do it themselves.

Powerball Lottery Jackpots: Greeniacs drive electric cars so that Islamist terrorists do not get oil blood money. This is commendable. Inspired by them, Americans should refuse to buy lottery tickets because it is wrong to give even one dollar to the death laboratories known as public schools. Winners should just hire a high-priced lawyer to sue the school and get their dollar back.

The next time a kid is stabbed, shot, or overdoses on drugs at school, just remember that your dollars allowed this to happen. Do not fund teachers unions. Another inner city schoolchild was shot while this was being typed. That is more important than spending countless hours discussing the lottery.

Virtually nobody wins and those who do want to be left alone.

Environmental Stories: Speaking of greeniacs, unless the world officially blows up, there is not a single environmental story that is worthy of being news. An exception to this rule would be if the media ever covered that the entire movement is a fraud, but Solyndra stories bore them.

Those wanting to save the globe should fund me. My three books are conservative comedy books, and liberals should buy them and burn them. The fumes would be good for the environment. Those who are skeptical of this claim should realize that it is not any less preposterous than other liberal environmental crackpot theories. Where was I again? Oh yeah, buy my books.

Time Magazine’s Person of the Year: While Sandra Fluke may be the most reviled (celebrated by others) woman on Earth not named Helen Thomas, Joy Behar, or Hillary Clinton; she may end up being Time Magazine’s Person of the Year.

At this point, a simple question must be asked.

What is Time Magazine?

Unnamed sources think that forty years ago it was something that somebody somewhere read, like the New York Times.

Of course Sandra Fluke should be Time Ragazine’s person of the year. Joy Behar should be the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition Cover Model. Helen Thomas should be the new U.S. Ambassador to Israel. Katy Perry should be President of MENSA. Barack Obama should win a Nobel Peace Prize. Oh wait, never mind.

Naturally, those should never be covered again.

Nobel Peace Prizes: The way to win these awards, like Academy Awards, is to hate the United States, Israel, Jews, and Republicans. Al Gore, Yassir Arafat, Jimmy Carter, and Barack Obama have all won them. Paul Krugman won his for “economics”, with the same criteria.

Now those who confuse allowing or causing worldwide genocide equal to creating peace credit the European Union.

We are now officially the nation of Bimbostan, and should weep for the days when substance mattered. Meanwhile, the world burns as real news is ignored.

Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”


Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. Read more from Eric at TYGRRRR EXPRESS

 


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Eric Golub

Eric Golub is a politically conservative Jewish blogger, author, public speaker, and comedian. His book trilogy is “Ideological Bigotry,” “Ideological Violence,” and  “Ideological Idiocy.” 

He is Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and has lived in Los Angeles since 1990. He received his Bachelors degree from the University of Judaism, and his MBA from USC. A stockbrokerage professional since 1994, he began blogging on March 11th, 2007, the three year anniversary of the Madrid bombings and the midpoint of 9/11. He has been inflicting his world view on his unfortunate readers since then. He blogs about politics Monday through Friday, and about football and other human interest items on weekends.

 

 

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