LOS ANGELES, August 8, 2012 — The Obama campaign is getting more desperate by the day, which is what happens when somebody who has never held a job gets a social promotion to the White House. Unable to actually do the real work of governing, President Obama is now left to the politics of personal destruction.
Several weeks ago his henchwoman, Stephanie Cutter, implied that Governor Mitt Romney was a felon. Then mouthpiece Harry Reid claimed that Romney had not paid taxes in a decade. A little birdie told him. The birdie resembled what flies over a person’s head when he accidentally walks into a wall or receives an anvil from above. Now a liberal special interest group shilling for Obama blames Romney for the death of a woman he has never met.
Now Reid has tripled down, and offered an even more explosive allegation. Not only has Mitt Romney never paid his taxes in his entire life, he has never paid Reid’s taxes either!
The bombshell, more stunning than a 1980’s Paulina Porizkova Sports Illustrated swimsuit cover, had MSNBC executives in a frothing rage. Mr. Reid went on to say that if Romney truly believed in “love thy neighbor,” he would have paid Reid’s taxes. Mr. Romney also should have paid Obama’s taxes, since the President is not very good at mathematics.
Senator Reid immediately demanded an investigation provided that it only focused on Romney and not Reid himself. Meanwhile, Reid rattled off a long line of crimes against humanity committed by Romney.
Governor Romney failed to stop the many Chicago murders taking place under Mayor Rahm Emanuel. Mr. Romney has not lifted a finger to save lives. Since most of those being killed are minorities, this proves that Romney is a racist. None of this is Emanuel’s fault because he inherited a mess from Mitt’s father George Romney. George Romney was Governor of Michigan, which is where Detroit is located. Detroit and Chicago are both failed cities. Therefore, Mitt Romney is responsible for the Chicago killing fields.
Governor Mitt Romney also failed to stop the Spanish Inquisition, which according to Monty Python, nobody expects anyway.
Mitt Romney failed to defend Reid for attacking Mitt Romney. This proves that Romney has no compassion. After all, the White House and Speaker Nancy Pelosi have defended Reid. When Reid was being obliterated by the media for lying about Romney, it was callous for Romney to just let Reid get attacked for spreading lies. Does Romney have no decency?
The Huffington Post is investigating another scandal. Did Mitt Romney kill Harry Reid’s pet alligator? When a Daily Kos blogger tried to break into Reid’s house, there was no sign of an alligator. Therefore, Romney obviously killed it and hid the body somewhere. A deceased alligator was found in the Everglades, and the Governor of Florida is a Republican. The coincidences never stop.
Media Matters is investigating whether Romney is to blame for not preventing the suicide of Reid’s father. It would be completely inappropriate to mention a personal tragedy like that, but because Reid showed no sense of restraint regarding Romney’s father, we are justified in asking the question: Is Harry Reid’s father ashamed of Mitt Romney for not saving him, and thus sparing the world an angry Harry Reid who lashes out at everyone?
Is Romney the reason the Angry Birds are so angry? If so, does he even care?
Mitt Romney failed to stop slavery, the Holocaust, the Brinks Job, the Italian Job, Steve Jobs, and the book of Job.
Some say that all questions could be answered if he would just release his tax returns.
The problem with this is that his tax returns are nobody else’s (redacted) business. If Romney gives in on this point, the liberal bullies will just move on to their next unreasonable demand. After all, just because Obama keeps Solydra, Fast and Furious, and much of his entire past hidden does not mean Romney is entitled to an ounce of privacy. Romney has legal offshore accounts because he has marketable skills that allowed him to earn a good living. Unlike Obama, not everybody receives subsidized welfare checks from George Soros.
Mr. Obama had no comment. Unlike Reid’s granola bar diet, Obama is not known for his (moral) fiber.
Mr. Reid was asked if he had any opinion on why Timothy Geithner, Kathleen Sebelius, Charles Rangel, and Tom Daschle all had problems obeying the law and paying taxes. The Senate Majority Leader’s explanation was simple:
If Mitt Romney were not such an evil, heartless, one-percenter, he would have paid all of their taxes as well. Somebody has to step up and subsidize them since President Obama is running out of the rest of our money to fund the parasites supporting the Obama-Reid-Pelosi coalition.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian.
Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.” Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. After years of dating liberals, he has finally seen the light and now only dates Republican Jewish women. His family is pleased over this. Republican, Jewish women, you may contact Eric above.
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Eric Golub is an independent writer for the Communities. Read more from Eric at his TYGRRRR EXPRESS blog.
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