LOS ANGELES, August 20, 2012 –During a press conference carried on C-Span, President Barack Obama devoted most of his comments to his favorite subject, President Barack Obama.
His remarks were carried live from Sesame Street, home of the Children’s Television Workshop:
“Good afternoon. While the American people have been distracted by Republican distortions of my record, there actually exist real Americans not satisfied with my job performance.
So let me set the record straight. I absolutely am doing a fantastic job and deserve to be reelected.
Since the American people need to be treated like children I have brought my message here to Sesame Street, which Republicans tried to foreclose on. I consulted with Sasha and Malia, but they are too old for Sesame Street at this point. Luckily Vice President Joe Biden was around to offer his insights.
So with help from warm furry pal Grover Norquist, domestic partners Bert and Ernie, Count Paul Ryan, and Oscar the Gingrouch, let me teach you all my achievements in alphabetical form. From A to Z, I am President Barack Obama making the case for President Barack Obama.
Audacity of Hope: I am not sure who wrote it, but it sounds really meaningful.
Bush’s fault: Everything bad in life is explained by this.
Change: When said in a somber voice with a head tilted slightly upward, it sounds meaningful.
Draconian: Like Dracula, it is everything you need to know about Republicans.
Energy alternatives: These are fictional creatures, like Snuffalupagus.
Forward: Change had to change, so this is my new third-favorite word after “Barack” and “Obama.”
Green energy: This is Snuffalupagus’s fictional baby. Nobody has ever seen it, but you have to believe.
Hope: Click your heels together three times and say that there is nothing like hope.
Inherited mess: An evil guy left me monsters under the bed, but I will fix it so you are no longer afraid.
Julia: She is all of you. You are her. She owes everything to me. So do you. She loves me. So should you.
Kittens: I love them. Republicans kick them.
Latinos: I love them. Republicans kick them.
Middle class families: Whenever you get in trouble, mention these people and everything will be ok.
Not the other guy: That is me. When you do bad things, just say everyone else is worse.
Osama bin Laden: I killed him and saved the world. Tell your parents, kids.
Puppies: Sasha and Malia have one. Paul Ryan tried to kill it like I killed bin Laden.
Q-Rating: Like Snooki, I am famous for being famous. Forget what I do. I just am.
Renewable: Imagine if Snuffalupagus were reincarnated as a unicorn? It exists because I say it does.
SEAL Team Six: I ordered them to kill bin Laden. For some reason some were later exposed and killed.
Trickle down: It has to do with economics. I can’t explain it, but I don’t like it, so I say it does not work.
Usama bin Laden: I also killed him. He was as bad as the other guy who spelled his name differently.
Vice President Joe Biden: He says funny stuff, kids. He is so silly. He likes to play with chains.
War on Women: I give people free stuff and bad Republicans insist they pay for it. They are mean.
X-Ray body pics: Give your parents pictures of me on the beach with my shirt off. In 2008 they swooned.
Yes we can: Saying you are doing good things means you are doing good things. Yes is success.
Zero Democratic alternatives: I am all the country has, so make sure I stay around to save you all.
Anyway kids, I need to take the dog for a walk and then make sure Joe Biden has his nap. Maybe I have that reversed. Just remember whenever you are feeling sad that to make everything better, your parents need to vote for me in November.
Otherwise evil Republicans will steal your school lunch and kill your grandparents.”
This concludes C-Span’s coverage of President Obama’s press conference at the halls of Sesame Street. It was brought to you by the letter z, which when repeated means we are all asleep. It is brought to you by the number 2012, which is the year we get to be done with this terribly insipid program.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian. Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.”
Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. Follow Eric on Twitter @TYGRRRREXPRESS
Eric Golub is an independent writer for the Communities. Read more from Eric at TYGRRRR EXPRESS
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