LOS ANGELES, September 7, 2012 — President Obama delivered a groundbreaking speech today on the best way to instill fairness in America. While this came less than 24 hours after his speech at the Democratic National Convention in Charlotte, North Carolina, he felt it was necessary to say a bit more. As part of C-Span’s “Road to the White House” coverage, his remarks are now rebroadcast in their thrilling entirety.
Good evening. As you all know, yesterday I accepted the Democratic nomination for President in 2012. Things went so well in 2008 that we decided to do it again. Vice President Joe Biden would like to thank everyone who skipped the NFL season opener this week to watch his convention speech. The game was fantastic, and Joe tells me his speech was quite good as well. I guess we’ll all just have to take his word for it.
Four days ago on Labor Day, I opened the Democratic Convention by unveiling my new Sincerity Initiative. Normally the President does not speak on all four nights of the convention, but you all understood that since the event was about me, I had to do it. While it is unprecedented to give another speech the day after in prime time, think of it as getting five convention nights for the price of four. It was important that the taxpayers and high-priced lobbyists get their money’s worth.
Tonight I am unveiling a new, historical, and unprecedented program that shall forever be known as the “Fairness Initiative.” As you all know, it is imperative that fairness be restored to this country at all costs. For those who were told life is unfair, it no longer has to be that way.
Some of you have expressed concerns. After all, forcing the National Basketball Association to have a height cap at 5 ft 10 would allow the vertically challenged to make the team, but perhaps with a lower quality product. Demanding that the Miss America Pageant only accept contestants over 300 pounds would restore the dignity of the proportionally challenged, but possibly lead to reduced ratings if not caloric intake. Any organization will be allowed to request a waiver from my Fairness Initiative. Waivers will be granted based on total obedience to the rest of my agenda. This policy worked well with healthcare, hence the continuity.
Yet leaders must lead by example. That is why they are called leaders, and their examples are called examples. Therefore, in an attempt to spread the wealth around and insure fairness, I will be making an unprecedented Election 2012 campaign donation.
It was brought to my attention that I have one billion dollars in the bank. People like George Clooney and the rest of Hollywood have filled my coffers to the brim. As a side note, to the family of the homeless man that Mr. Clooney’s motorcade ran over quickly so as not to be late for the fundraiser, apologies have been sent out. Compassion comes at a price.
Anyway, it seems that my opponent Mitt Romney is a less wealthy plutocrat than we originally thought. Whether it was the economy I inherited and failed to turn around or other rich Republicans on Wall Street failing to do their jobs, he is down to his last 100 million dollars of campaign money. Therefore, in the interest of fairness, I will be donating 450 million dollars to the 2012 Romney campaign.
It is unfair that in America some candidates like me have so much and some candidates like him have so little. Maybe he has a higher burn rate, but this should not have anything to do with fossil fuels. In the new green economy, there should be enough green for everybody. Initially I was going to have Ben Bernanke just print 900 million dollars and give it to Mr. Romney so we would both have one billion, but I did not want inflation to eat away at the value of my campaign war chest. That is what fiscal responsibility is all about.
Mr. Romney and I will both have 550 million dollars to start. On the first day of every month, I will continue to transfer money toward his effort to defeat me in an effort to keep the playing field level. One week before the election, a final transfer of funds will take place.
Some on the left will worry that Republican and conservative Super PACs will raise additional money. The left need not worry. We have George Soros, who is prepared to violate every campaign finance law necessary for the greater good of electing me. Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel knows where all of the bodies are buried, and he will make sure they vote as well.
Until then, this transfer of wealth from my campaign to the Romney campaign has to be done because it is the right thing to do. This is a teachable moment, and a great example of us all coming together. In fact, virtually every platitude uttered in the last four years can be enhanced with this donation.
People have accused me of not putting my money where my mouth is. Well now I am putting it where Mr. Romney’s trousers are. That may seem awkward, but I am never awkward. The money will go into his wallet. Now that my commitment to economic justice is complete, my next step will be demanding that the media cover both Governor Romney and myself with equal fairness. I have no mechanism to enforce this, but most people would agree that saying such a thing is praiseworthy in itself.
Thank you and good evening.
This has been C-Span’s Road to the White House coverage. Next week we will cover President Obama as he visits a homeless shelter filled with former green economy employees. The shelter used to be where solar panels were made until it was shut down for failing to produce a single worthwhile unit of any product. Mr. Obama’s visit will showcase Mr. Romney’s lack of empathy for the new green economy homeless movement.
Brooklyn born, Long Island raised, and now living in Los Angeles, Eric Golub is a politically conservative columnist, blogger, author, public speaker, satirist and comedian.
Eric is the author of the book trilogy “Ideological Bigotry, “Ideological Violence,” and “Ideological Idiocy.” Eric is 100% alcohol, tobacco, drug, and liberalism free. After years of dating liberals, he has finally seen the light and now only dates Republican Jewish women. His family is pleased over this. Republican, Jewish women, you may contact Eric above.
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Eric Golub is an independent writer for the Communities. Read more from Eric at his TYGRRRR EXPRESS blog.
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